Monday, February 07, 2011

My secret

I've struggled with whether I should write this post or not.  It's very personal, although it's rare that I don't share personal issues, this one hurts.  But this is something that is really torturing me as of late, and it's something I shouldn't hide from.

Last month was a big month for me.  On July 7, 2004 I had my first miscarriage, the due date was January 10th, then I lost another pregnancy in January of 2008.  It's painful, those two things all on their own, but when you add that with the three people I know who are pregnant right now and that I'll never be pregnant again...well it's no wonder I've had days of struggling to get out of bed.

I picked an awesome time to stop my meds didn't I??

I've had to tell myself over and over, almost daily, why we had Bo snipped.  Because that pain and that need to have more is still very strong.  Even though I know it was the right decision, the BEST decision for our family, it still hurts. 

My niece is one of those pregnant.  And let me just say that the whole back story to this is terrible, pathetic and is down right disgusting, so much so that I'd love to have weeks of bashing the pathetic excuse for a human that is the reason she's going to be a single mother.  However I can't, as it probably wouldn't help her in finalizing a divorce where she gets custody.  Even though I'd be the crazy aunt raving about him and his retarded, brainwashing, twisted group he calls his family, and they are desperate enough use it against her.  Although I can claim I'm crazy and maybe the judge would let it slide...I know it would make me feel better if I could bash his sorry ass.

But I digress.

It's been really hard to be positive and excited about this with her and my family.  But I have been, as much as I can anyway.  This isn't about me, in any way, shape or form and my personal issues have no place for this situation.  So I've kept it quiet, barely even mentioning it to Bo.  It hasn't been easy at all, trying to be 'ok' with this for everyone.  But I will, and I will keep my pity party in my head and out of the conversations. 

I know better than to keep stuff inside, but in this case I have to for the most part. 

I'm not mad at K, or the other two I know who are pregnant, I'm happy for them.  I'm just not excited.  I don't blame them but I am a little jealous that they get to experience this and I'll never be able to again.  And I'll be there for them as much as I can, and I hope I'm able to keep all this to myself so I don't make it tough for them.  It's my problem after all.

I wish this didn't hurt so much. 


jodene said...

Your bravery for speaking your truth is the most powerful healing too there is my friend. It's perfectly understandable to feel this way, but I know the strength you have inside and that you will survive this having grown into a more sparkling you!

Draft Queen said...

I'm a million years behind on reading posts (darn college education!) but I COMPLETELY understand this. And I'm being 100% honest when I tell you that anytime you need to vent about it, you have my ear. Maybe we can help each other. 3 miscarriages last year nearly did me in. And all these pregnant people around me? I can't help but want to crawl into bed and cry at my complete failure as a woman.

My email is draftqueen at gmail dot com if you need to talk to someone who gets it.