Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Feeding my dragon today

Last night baby Wyatt Ely R. was born weighing in at 6lbs15oz and 19 1/2 inches long. 

I should be rejoicing and happy and all that involved with having a new baby in the family.  But I'm not.

I can't.

The kids and I stayed home since we're still sniffly but Bo headed to the hospital to be there with the family.  I actually asked him to wait until he was born before leaving.  Not because it could be 4am before he got back home like he thought, it was because I wanted him with me and not there.  With a new baby. 

I was keeping it all in until Bo asked what was wrong with me.  Which was when I got mad, it was like he hadn't been paying attention to what I've been saying if he had to ask that question.  Did I not tell you that having K and J pregnant right now was kicking my ass?  That I just wanted to cry knowing they are going through something I'll never get to experience again?  HELLOO.  He says he was hoping it was something he'd done to piss me off and not that.  Because then it would be something that he could fix, this is something he can't.  Then he said he felt guilty for getting snipped because of how badly I feel.

Even though it was a decision we made, and one I still agree with 100%, I can't help that I want more.  And it kills me to know he feels guilty like it's his fault.

He says I'm heartbroken.

I say I'm being stupid.

He says it will get easier plus we've always talked about adopting someday.

I say I'm afraid to see this baby.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold him or look at him without crying and people are going to notice and I'll have to explain.  How do you explain something you don't understand?  And adopting...that's years away before it will happen.  It doesn't help me right now.

I feel like such a jerk right now. 

1 comment:

-MissC* said...

I know just how you feel. But thank you for texting me his picture!

BTW I'm reading this during class! Can't concentrate because a cyst on my ovary is making me contemplate suicide.