Thursday, May 05, 2011

Royal Cruise...Day 1 and 2

We got the call that went a little like this 'Attention bitch, hickup, we has us a trip!  It's a fancy shmancy cruise in honor of the Duck and her winning the lottery. 

Clothing is optional~giggles maniacally~. But when has that ever stopped us.

Hick.  So bring your shit and be there on time or else I leave your sorry ass behind.  Cheers ~clinking of glass~'.

Me, being the new kid, I'm sure I got the short and sweet invite.  Well if you consider calling me 3 times at 2am to give me the invite while yelling at the top of her lungs, sweet.

Day 1 we settled into our new home on water.  And tested out Antonio, the helper of all sexual favors...I mean Room Steward.  He tastes like lemon and honey and something woodsy but I'm betting that's not cologne, I think that's the cigar Queenie popped into his mouth to keep him quiet.

You see, we have asked that all men on the ship be silent.  It was the Duck's request and we all excitedly agreed  We had to get creative on silencing techniques.  At this point though, I think it's just more fun to see what we can do to keep em quiet.

What?!  He liked it, don't let him lie to you.

Since the Queen said clothing optional, and I had a fly up my ass, I decided I'd be a nudist this trip.  Why not right?  I got there, parts glowing in the sunlight for the first time, to see everyone dressed in KILLER gowns that would make Carrie Bradshaw jealous.  OMG are them there Jimmy Choo??

I vowed revenge as all the wicked witches cackled at me and clicking their heels as they walked away.  Thanks for the joke. HA HA HA.

I spent the rest of the day plotting.

Day 2 started bright and gorgeous with water lapping at the ship soothingly.  I placed a giant black bow tie around my neck, put on some high heels and opened the bar.  Of course everyone came in wearing their killer duds.  I gave them an ass wiggle as a greeting.  And then served them with a smile on my face, giggling under my breath as I slipped in the colon blow.

It happened with the Queen first, she's a guzzler did you know that?  She'd downed 6 drinks before anyone had gotten to their third.  I thought about refusing her drinks at first, but the Queen goes first, what could I do...

But stand back and laugh as she shit herself and her expensive Vera Wang dress.  It was sad to watch...that dress was hot.

That's when the Duck got choked and sharted, blowing out a hole in the back of her gown.  I had to lean into the bar for support.  I was laughing so much I was getting thirsty and without thinking, I picked up a glass near me and downed the bitch.

That wasn't part of my plan. 

But now...I'm not the only nudest...


The Queen said...

and I peed a little reading this.. I love it when you remind me what ASSES we are.. hope you are having fun.. now. take tonight off.. we've hired extra staff.. the rest of the trip.. you party like there is no tomorrow..

Dazee Dreamer said...

haha. Antonio is sa-weet.