Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Today is a new day

Don't you hate it when things get said that kind of hit you in the face and make you realize you're being an ass again?  Or that you've been acting like someone you can't stand without noticing it?  And the shit sticks with you, eating away at you until you want to scream?

For instance.

Last night Bo was still not feeling well, from both the stomach bug and having his teeth worked on, and everytime the kids were doing something like screaming or getting into trouble he jumped up and handled it.  Then he'd sit down and remark how he didn't feel good and shouldn't jump up like that.  I'd agree with I lay on the couch reading and conserving what little energy I had.  Then he said 'Well I just react, I hear them fighting and without thinking I get up and take care of it'.   I reminded him I could get up too, and he didn't have to take care of everything.  He then says 'But you yell first, then you get up and take care of it.  I can't do that, I get up instead of letting it escalate'.

I sat there, and even asked out loud is that what I do and he said yes.  I got mad, and almost got pissy with him by saying if he'd been here all day trying to corral them all the time he wouldn't be jumping up every second they bickered.  But I didn't, I kept my mouth shut, because he was right.

I tend to shut off when he comes home.  And I know that isn't right.  I know my job never really ends and I shouldn't stop handling things just because he's home.  It's not fair to anyone.  But it's what I do, it's something I've known for a while but just keep doing.

Or like when I mentioned the other day of a certain someone who has never put their child first in their entire life, and how their child has no idea what a parents love really is.  How attention is given to everyone else, including other kids, while they get ignored and are treated like an after thought, a nuisance.

I had a moment of OMG I do that.  I may not treat my kids like a nuisance or an after thought, but I don't spend enough quality time with them.  Yes I play with them, but not for very long because well I don't really know how to.  My parents worked hard while I was growing up, and with three kids to take care of I was always told to go play by myself.  I don't remember my parents playing with me; I remember them always working or resting.   And I follow in that pattern, I spend my day's reading,writing, goofing off on the net or cleaning the house, basically doing my own thing while they do theirs, with random times of giving them attention.  They could view this as them being not being important to me.

Today I've started my normal do my own thing, while they do their thing, but I've had these thoughts yelling at me the entire time.  I'm still continuing the cycle that I've been trying, or thinking of trying, to stop for a while now.  I'm still doing the things I hate.  I'm still taking advantage of Bo if I'm being honest with myself.  And I'm not happy.  I'm not happy with how I feel about myself.  I'm not happy with how I treat the kids sometimes.  I'm not happy that my poor hubby is always doing something and rarely getting his own downtime. 

I'm fixing it today.  We're making tents in the living room, we're playing games, and the only thing I'm going to rush through is housework.

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