Forgive me, I'm more scatter brained than usual. Just expect to be confused.
Wednesday was a day of hell. It wasn't the worst day I've had, but for some reason it was emotionally. It felt like nothing I did made the kids behave. Although I knew then that they've been much worse, it was like everything they had ever done to disobey me they did all in one day. Even though I knew that wasn't true and was confused as to why I felt like it during the entire day, I would have sworn to you that there was no moment of me not disciplining one of them...especially Bailey.
It felt...ok it still feels like my day is nothing but yelling, me and them, nothing but anger, nothing but misery. All day, every day. And right now it feels like they are entirely uncontrollable, even though I haven't had to get on to either of them all morning AND I had a dr appointment today so I've barely been here. It still feels like I'm drowning in their animosity or hatred of me.
I know that's not true, but when both of them cry because they want Bo instead of me for just about everything, it makes me wonder...
By the time Bo came home Wednesday I was numb. I'd yelled, I'd spanked, I'd put them in timeout too many times to count, still knowing it wasn't the worst day I've ever had, I was done and numb and didn't want to be here. I wanted away from them so badly it scared me. I didn't want to be in my own home around my babies...how terrible am I?
I just sat there staring off into space barely moving, with Bo asking me what he can do to help me. I didn't know, and that's all I could tell him...I don't know. I barely spoke to the kids, barely acknowledged they were there because I couldn't look at them. I knew it was wrong, I knew they wouldn't understand, but being upright and not screaming was the best I could do.
I cried a lot and he and I fought/talked/argued until 1am and I felt no better. I woke up yesterday feeling like I'd been ran over, and he stayed home with me. I avoided the kids all day. I let him take care of it all, and I was happy to let him. I didn't want to mess with them. I didn't want to change any diapers, I didn't want to feed them, I didn't want to hear them yelling and fighting and I didn't want to deal with it. I read. I slept. I avoided them all. I even avoided my laptop.
Bo asked me to help with bedtime. Even knowing I hadn't had much to do with either of them all day, and they were going to bed, I still wanted to be away reading or anything that involved just me. But I did it and when Jocelyn started screaming that she wanted Daddy once the word pj's was mentioned and when Bailey was asked who he wanted to help him get ready he said Daddy, I didn't cry. Because I couldn't. It hurt to hear them do their usual wanting him over me, it always does, but I had no tears. So I sat on the stairs, staring at the floor while Bo put her in time out over and over until she finally stopped screaming at having me brush her teeth. Bailey played around me, acting silly and trying to make me smile but I couldn't. I just sat there and uh huh'd and ooh wow'd as he talked and jumped and twirled around me, without any feeling in my words. He kept trying though. I just kept sitting there until Jocelyn finally accepted me brushing her teeth.
Things went downhill after that. Reading was a total nightmare and although I was frustrated it was a dull feeling. Bo was upset; he handled them. I was just in the room.
I told him it's because I was there, they'd been fairly good all day until I joined in. He argued and said it wasn't, that they do this almost every night...I still think it's me, why else would they do this every night?
Today I feel better, but not much. Bo's at work so I have to be present for the kids today. It's hard. So so hard when it shouldn't be. I've talked to them, I've hugged them, I'm not just sitting and staring off into space today or reading so intently I'm ignoring everything else. But I still feel terrible. I still feel like I'm nothing to them. I have nothing but them. And that's not a complaint, I love them and am proud to be their mom, it's just...my life is them, it's this house, it's Bo...where am I in all that? I don't get a break from any of it to have time for me. I don't make the time for me because I don't feel like I deserve it or need it, that it's selfish of me to want that.
I try to bury myself in my laptop or reading, but it doesn't really work as I'm constantly interrupted. The only time I can lie down and not move unless I want to, is once they are in bed. Then its my bedtime and I'm not even left alone when I'm sleeping because of Bo and his wandering hands. It's all becoming too much and I feel like the walls are closing in around me.
I'm scared. I don't know what to do and I can't tell Bo what to do. I know I feel like this because I haven't had a break, a real one in a long time. Hell I don't get a daily break. I don't have anything that's just me without any interruptions. So I know what's caused this...but I can't tell you how I'm going to fix it. He says it's easy, I go do things like I've been saying I'm going to do. Go to the library or the movies by myself or hang out with a friend. That doesn't sound easy. It sounds like torture. I've come to realize I don't really know how to relax and be out of Mommy mode, unless I have a total breakdown I'm always about them. It's never about me... I don't know how to make 5 minutes about me.
And I hate hearing about 'me time', I hate thinking of anything that's just about me, it feels selfish...it feels like I'm doing something wrong.
So that's where I've been, that's where I'm going to be until I can get out of this new low. I don't think I'll be writing much for a while. I don't know...I know I need it, I know if I don't it makes me feel worse. But right now, it's not fun and it's not a release of frustration as I've been writing on this piece for over 2 hours because of all the distractions. I want it to be fun, I want it to make me smile and happy, but today it's not. Today it's just irritating that it's one thing that I love to do but I can't because someone is pulling me away from it.