Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Something must be done

So um...sigh...

It's been tough around here.  I've tried to not post about it.  I hate repeating myself, I know I do a lot of that, and if it bugs me, it sure as hell bugs you guys.  So I wasn't completely honest in a post or I didn't post at all or I posted something random just to fill the space.  I thought that one it would help me by not being a reminder and two I wouldn't bore you too much.

But I was wrong, and I know better.  Whether it bores you or not, it's my story, it's what I deal with every day and that's not something I need to hide from.  Numbers don't matter.  Honesty does.

We've been discussing me getting back on meds...

My anxiety is up and down, my moods as well and I'm having my really high and really low days again.  That's not safe and so not normal.  I've tried changing my routine, I've tried coming up with all sorts of ways to get myself up and moving and staying positive.  But none of them work, because I'm not able to make them or let them work for very long on my own. 

So my options are get back on meds and hope I find one that works, and not one that just lets me continue as I have been except I'm numb to the anger and my desire to do better.  Or I do something drastic with my life, hopefully with someone walking along beside me every step to make sure I do it, and hope that works.  What that may be, I don't know yet, other than hiding my books and my laptop until I earn them back.  They've become my routine so to speak, it's all I do to 'control' my anxiety and my thoughts.  I know that's no different than someone who washes their hands 20 times because they don't feel clean until they hit that magic number.  It's the same thing and I'm fooled by thinking that the reading or the games or even the writing is helping me control the bad thoughts and anxiety.  It's not.  It's masking it for a time, and it's making it impossible for me to improve no matter how bad I want it and now matter how hard I try. 

Nothing has been decided yet, other than we have to do something soon or I'm going to be back in that dark place in a very short time.  I don't like this, neither does he...


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2 comments:

Ange said...

I am in the same place right now, and my OCD is getting out of control. I really hate being on my meds but lately I have been thinking that there may not be any other option.

I am praying for you.

Singedwingangel said...

As a mom of a bipolar who has anxiety and OCD I know how irritated he gets to be on meds, but I also know he has to have them. Having to use them is not a bad thing it is a wise thing. Especially when you have the awareness that you cannot function as you should without them.. sending y9ou lots of love