Monday, May 14, 2012

Big girl panties

I've said this many times, and I am not exaggerating, that every time we visit my family I have to explain to them AGAIN how my OCD and anxiety (or depression) works.  It's like they expect the definition to change or me to suddenly stand up and say 'haha I was just joking, I'm really normal'.

Do you know how exhausting it is?  To explain yourself to your family, those who are supposed to understand you like no one else can, every time you see them how your brain does not function due to a mental illness?

Or how painful it is to hear them say things like 'You just don't do it Nikki.  You just don't think like that.  It's that simple' or 'If you just tried to not to have those thoughts, you wouldn't.' or what I got this Sunday 'You just put your big girl panties on and do it.' with a sarcastic laugh.

Or to know that they are at their worst when Bo is not in the room.  Because they know that then I have no one to stand on my side.

They have no clue.  They don't listen.  They don't even try to understand.  And that hurts.  That tears me up inside to know that these people who are my blood, think I'm just being a big baby, or faking it, or wanting attention. Even after all this time.  They still think that the OCD and anxiety is all a lie.

How loved that makes me feel.

Especially knowing that it doesn't matter what I say or do, even if they read this post, they don't get it, they never will and they will always put me down for this.  And if they do read this, it's my fault and I'm making them look like bad guys.

The worst part isn't the fact that I've been dealing with this since I was 5 or that I will for the rest of my life, but that my niece has ADHD and seizures that affect her brain, making her slow at understanding things or processing information, is being treated the same, and worse, and no one is standing up for her.  Even when I do it, it's ignored. She's only 12! That breaks my heart because I get it, I put up with that crap too.  And I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Her face drops, her mood plummets and its all right there on her face how much it hurts her yet the jokes and laughter and anger continues as if she has no feelings.

I was told I was being silly yesterday because I don't do well when Bo is away on a business trip, which thankfully happens once a year maybe twice.  One of my sisters has a husband who drives a semi, so he's gone anywhere from 4 to 7 days all the time.  She was married before and was single for a couple of years, she's learned to do things on her own and be alone.  When I said I didn't know how she did it, I fall apart when Bo isn't here, her words were 'Well you just put your big girl panties on a do it Nikki' with a laugh that clearly said I'm being stupid.  And that's when I had to do it all over again and when both sisters kept laughing at me and kept saying the stupid phrase about big girl panties I got pissed.  I said 'you don't have any idea what you are talking about or what it's like to have OCD and anxiety' know what I got? 'No I don't' with laughter and some other words that I didn't understand between the two of them.  But I can guess.

I don't want anyone to suffer with a mental illness, or hell any illness or disease really, but for a day maybe two, I'd like them to feel what I, or my niece, feels on a daily basis.  Because maybe then they'd get it and stop being such assholes.  They'd see just how stupid they are acting and being by not believing in these issues and how with each insult and 'joke' our respect and love for them dies.  Well for my niece anyway, they've butchered and murdered all my feelings.



middle child said...

OCD and anxiety go hand in hand. If you must see your family...write it all up before you go there, make copies and hand them out when you get there. Near the end of the note tell them you know they don't understand but that you are asking for and deserving love and respect. Can you leave if neccesary, if they start their crap? Can you call them ignorant? If nothing else...try to spend time with your neice so she knows someone understands and loves her. BTW, my daughter has the same feelings when her husband is gone.
I care.

Dazee Dreamer said...

I am so sorry you have such rats in your family. They are so inconsiderate. Karma is going to come around and bite them in the ass big time.


Draft Queen said...

I could go kick some asses for you...

I understand. It's exactly why I tell my family nothing at all really. They just don't get it.

Nikki said...

Thank you all!

If family time wasn't engraved in my DNA I'd skip going every Sunday. It's a tradition and it's my parents we really want to see. That sounds so bad, but... My parents don't understand either, they do make comments, no where near as mean, but they don't even stand up for me when my sisters start nagging me. But they are my parents, and I do love them dearly...even if they don't get what it's like to be me. They can't help that they don't understand.