An explanation with a tear

I've stared at this post for weeks.  Well, months.  I've written it and revised it a hundred times trying to figure out what was wrong.  I finally realized it wasn't that I was getting things wrong because I wasn't.  I was telling the truth, every last brutal detail which felt oooh so good to share.  The problem? I was putting way too much effort into a post that didn't need it.  You deserve an explanation for my silence over the last year and that is exactly what you are going to get.

The reason is pathetic and really unworthy of even discussing, I have to say up front.  The quick version is, I offended my siblings by a post I had written, concerning my feelings of being hurt by them.  To make amends, I decided to close down the blog for a bit as a peace offering. I also apologized for posting about what happened.  One sister apologized for her part and we've been patching up our relationship ever since.  The other hasn't.  I'd love to tell you what she has and hasn't done, but like I said, it's rather pathetic plus doing so would give this more power then it has.  Needless to say, she's proven that everything I said in that post was (and still is) completely true. She didn't deserve my kindness, or any that I have ever have shown to her.  I hit my limit. I am pulling that band-aid off and letting it bleed baby.  The end.

The funny thing about what happened is I realized I am doing pretty good without the constant 'my day sucks' posts.  I looked at this blog as a way to release all my emotions, but instead of using it for good, I focused on the bad.  It made posting anything positive close to impossible for me.  I felt like I had to be negative. (I think I mentioned that a time or two) Yeah I have bad days every so often, but nothing like before.  So this break, though hard to do at first, has been an awakening for me. It has freed me from so much pain and anger!

How cool is that? Something pathetic turned into something fucking awesome!  Major tribal for that.

I can't say I'm back exactly, because I don't know if I can shake that 'must write morose, whiny posts' feeling. Plus, with my other blog, homeschooling Bailey now, book reviews and all the other stuff in my life, it may be hard to keep up with.  So we will see what happens now.

This blog is very special to me so I can't shut it down completely anyway. This is where I shared my pain over losing my babies and where I shared the joy of the two I got to keep.  There is too much history in these archives to throw away.

Anyway, sorry I was gone for so long and I didn't explain sooner.  I missed you all.

Love,

Saying another goodbye

Just a few days ago I lost my Uncle Gene.  I'm still in shock and disbelief.  He was 79, relatively healthy, until one thing after another snowballed and well now he's gone.  

I don't care how old you are or how old the person is, losing someone is an emotional hell.

So far I'm ok though.  I feel sad and that utterly lost feeling I always get when a death has occurred, but I'm ok.  Tomorrow I probably won't be anymore...funerals always do me in.

I keep thinking that if he could, Uncle Gene would smack me upside the head for being said or even thinking about becoming sad.  That's not how he worked.  He was goofy, ornery and someone that you wanted to hang out with.

Did you know that he's the reason I have a fear of heights? LOL true story.  See he was 6'3 or thereabouts and one of his favorite past times was putting me, who clearly took after my dad's side of the family by being really short, on top of things for giggles.  Like the refrigerator.  Or the top of the kitchen cabinets some 10 feet in the air.  Which to a child of 4 was like 300 feet.  He'd put me there then tell me to jump, that he'd catch me.  I knew he would, he always did.  He'd stare up at me with this ornery grin, while I was terrified and thinking that if I was just a bit bigger, I'd kick his butt for tormenting me.  Don't think I hid from him whenever he came to visit, oh no, I gravitated toward this tall, funny man, just like everyone else did.  I enjoyed his ornery side, even if he did scare me sometimes.

That is my all time favorite memory of him.  I have many more, but I won't share them.  Needless to say, when I think back to when I was little, I think of that man in the picture.  I think of all the jokes he told, all the stories he told, all the holidays of trying to sneak a picture of him sleeping on the couch before he caught me. There are so many memories of him...

Uncle Gene, I miss you already.  I miss talking history with you.  I miss your jokes and laughter.  I will miss you calling the turkeys and not being able to tell the difference between you and them.  No one can sound like a turkey, quite like you did.  I will miss your burned green beans (the only way I ever cook them thanks to you).  I will miss hearing you say asspagrass for asparagus.  I miss fishing with you.  I miss riding around your farm, driving over huge piles of giant mulch and through the blueberries in your Mule (or whatever it was; some sort of supped up golf cart is the only way I can explain it).  I could list everything, but I just miss you.  I will forever miss you.  I love knowing that you and I were a lot alike, and I will always treasure that. You weren't just Mama's big brother, you were a big brother to us all.  Please take care of Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Merle, Uncle Troy and the babies for me ok?  Tell them all hi, that I miss them something fierce and they are always, always on my mind.

I love you,

Where I walk...alone...with my daughter...omg

About 9am this morning I had the idea of going for a walk with Jocelyn.  Alone.  This isn't done.  Like ever.

I sat and worried and paced and chewed my nails until 11:45 when I finally told myself I'm going.  I am going and it will be fine.

Took me another 15 minutes to get myself out the door. Finally, I loaded her up in our stroller, or scooter as she calls it, and out the door we went.

Love my ensemble?  I was rocking the nerdy, pale white girl workout gear big time.  I own nothing to work out in.  Well not really, I own a pair of sweats, and a too small sports bra...but the sweats are my pj's...the sports bra is my hat for my naked rain dances.

We walked around the block one time.

I could have done another lap or three, maybe,  it's 85 and the only thing saving us was the wind plus I'm wearing new sneakers and they do not help my shins like the Sketchers Shape-ups do OMG NO, but I stopped with one.

That was my goal.  Just once, survive the trip without any accidents or issues, or the world ending, and try again tomorrow.

It's beautiful out there.  Bright, sunny, flowers everywhere and on one spot there is this giant willow esk tree that hangs over the fence.

It's like walking through a mystical, magical tunnel where faeries live.

Even Jocelyn had to admire the tree.

Or for me anyway, I'm a sucker for trees and shady spots.  Makes my heart go pitter patter.  And my imagination throw a party.

As usual, once I get into the act, I'm fine.  The anxiety that was eating at me all morning just went away a few feet into the walk.  That's when I noticed how beautiful it was outside, slightly hot and sticky humid, but beautiful.  I looked at the neighbors flowers, wish I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the trees...again wished I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the fluffy white clouds in the bright blue sky, thought I saw a penis and a giant turtle.

I focused on all that and NOT on what I was doing and it was fun.

I want to do it again tomorrow.  I want to make this a daily thing, more than once a day.  Get my ass out there damnit!  Get some of this flubber off!

Of course I can say that now...come July when it's 105 and so humid you can't breathe and are covered in sweat the second you step out the door, I will probably be barricading us all inside to protect us from the burning fire of hell that's out there.



P.S. Forgive the not so great shots, they are iphone pictures, what can you expect!
P.S.S...my photoshop skills suck too.

Big girl panties

I've said this many times, and I am not exaggerating, that every time we visit my family I have to explain to them AGAIN how my OCD and anxiety (or depression) works.  It's like they expect the definition to change or me to suddenly stand up and say 'haha I was just joking, I'm really normal'.

Do you know how exhausting it is?  To explain yourself to your family, those who are supposed to understand you like no one else can, every time you see them how your brain does not function due to a mental illness?

Or how painful it is to hear them say things like 'You just don't do it Nikki.  You just don't think like that.  It's that simple' or 'If you just tried to not to have those thoughts, you wouldn't.' or what I got this Sunday 'You just put your big girl panties on and do it.' with a sarcastic laugh.

Or to know that they are at their worst when Bo is not in the room.  Because they know that then I have no one to stand on my side.

They have no clue.  They don't listen.  They don't even try to understand.  And that hurts.  That tears me up inside to know that these people who are my blood, think I'm just being a big baby, or faking it, or wanting attention. Even after all this time.  They still think that the OCD and anxiety is all a lie.

How loved that makes me feel.

Especially knowing that it doesn't matter what I say or do, even if they read this post, they don't get it, they never will and they will always put me down for this.  And if they do read this, it's my fault and I'm making them look like bad guys.

The worst part isn't the fact that I've been dealing with this since I was 5 or that I will for the rest of my life, but that my niece has ADHD and seizures that affect her brain, making her slow at understanding things or processing information, is being treated the same, and worse, and no one is standing up for her.  Even when I do it, it's ignored. She's only 12! That breaks my heart because I get it, I put up with that crap too.  And I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Her face drops, her mood plummets and its all right there on her face how much it hurts her yet the jokes and laughter and anger continues as if she has no feelings.

I was told I was being silly yesterday because I don't do well when Bo is away on a business trip, which thankfully happens once a year maybe twice.  One of my sisters has a husband who drives a semi, so he's gone anywhere from 4 to 7 days all the time.  She was married before and was single for a couple of years, she's learned to do things on her own and be alone.  When I said I didn't know how she did it, I fall apart when Bo isn't here, her words were 'Well you just put your big girl panties on a do it Nikki' with a laugh that clearly said I'm being stupid.  And that's when I had to do it all over again and when both sisters kept laughing at me and kept saying the stupid phrase about big girl panties I got pissed.  I said 'you don't have any idea what you are talking about or what it's like to have OCD and anxiety'....you know what I got? 'No I don't' with laughter and some other words that I didn't understand between the two of them.  But I can guess.

I don't want anyone to suffer with a mental illness, or hell any illness or disease really, but for a day maybe two, I'd like them to feel what I, or my niece, feels on a daily basis.  Because maybe then they'd get it and stop being such assholes.  They'd see just how stupid they are acting and being by not believing in these issues and how with each insult and 'joke' our respect and love for them dies.  Well for my niece anyway, they've butchered and murdered all my feelings.

He's like my teddy bear and stuff

Today is day one of Bo's vacation.

We have so much jam packed into these 5 days it's not much of a rest but what can you do?

I woke up today thinking I was nuts for setting my eye appointment for 9am, who does that?  Certainly not me, who is NOT a morning person.

Oh yeah wait I did.  Cause I hate myself apparently.

I wanted to cuddle with him.  To kiss him.  To get all smoochy smoochy, steamy with morning breath under the covers.

Not sure if you are aware of this, but that shit, right there, is love.  Kissing someone who's breath smells like a cat done crawled inside their mouth and died, and knowing yours is just as bad if not worse.  That's a toxic combo my friends.  If you are willing to test fate by kissing with these two bombs, that's love.  Love in all it's messy glory.

I wanted to get all down and dirty.  Not like we could but I wanted to fake it for a while.  Get that heat a pumping through me so that while I waited for my name to be called I had something to think about.  His hands.  Those lips....those hands....that...yeah you get the point.

Except that was not in the cards and I will not lie, I wasn't happy.  At first.  The munchkins came to my attention, sounding as if they were tearing down the kitchen cabinets.  I came jiggling into the kitchen ready to snarl and bite and chew them a new one when Bailey says 'We wanted juice but there were no cold ones.  So I put some in the fridge.  See?'  all proud as if he'd just climbed Mt. Everest.  He's sickly with a fever that is playing peekaboo right now.  And he's all smiles because look Mama, I put juice in the fridge!

I wish I didn't have appointments today, I wish I could just stay home and chill with these weirdly wonderful people that is my family.  All mine.  I wanna get in a big dog pile and just breath them in.


Have I mentioned having Bo home is like crack for me?  I swear my moods go from one end of the spectrum to the other with him in the room.  I'm all crazy wired, energetic, and upbeat today.  While yesterday I had been all down and dumpy...