He's like my teddy bear and stuff

Today is day one of Bo's vacation.

We have so much jam packed into these 5 days it's not much of a rest but what can you do?

I woke up today thinking I was nuts for setting my eye appointment for 9am, who does that?  Certainly not me, who is NOT a morning person.

Oh yeah wait I did.  Cause I hate myself apparently.

I wanted to cuddle with him.  To kiss him.  To get all smoochy smoochy, steamy with morning breath under the covers.

Not sure if you are aware of this, but that shit, right there, is love.  Kissing someone who's breath smells like a cat done crawled inside their mouth and died, and knowing yours is just as bad if not worse.  That's a toxic combo my friends.  If you are willing to test fate by kissing with these two bombs, that's love.  Love in all it's messy glory.

I wanted to get all down and dirty.  Not like we could but I wanted to fake it for a while.  Get that heat a pumping through me so that while I waited for my name to be called I had something to think about.  His hands.  Those lips....those hands....that...yeah you get the point.

Except that was not in the cards and I will not lie, I wasn't happy.  At first.  The munchkins came to my attention, sounding as if they were tearing down the kitchen cabinets.  I came jiggling into the kitchen ready to snarl and bite and chew them a new one when Bailey says 'We wanted juice but there were no cold ones.  So I put some in the fridge.  See?'  all proud as if he'd just climbed Mt. Everest.  He's sickly with a fever that is playing peekaboo right now.  And he's all smiles because look Mama, I put juice in the fridge!

I wish I didn't have appointments today, I wish I could just stay home and chill with these weirdly wonderful people that is my family.  All mine.  I wanna get in a big dog pile and just breath them in.


Have I mentioned having Bo home is like crack for me?  I swear my moods go from one end of the spectrum to the other with him in the room.  I'm all crazy wired, energetic, and upbeat today.  While yesterday I had been all down and dumpy...

Today

Today I gazed out my window of my office...ok fine it's the dining room...as I took a break from blog surfing and gazing at books, which is my porn you know.  I thought I need to snap some shots, to show how my day looked.  


You are curious to know what I do all day.

Just admit it.  

My view's not so bad right?  Rural neighborhood in a small-ish town that is growing extremely fast. The other views included the polar bear and his mammoth sized poo piles...figured you'd prefer these shots instead.

And my company, well they freaking rock.

Look at that face!  Those cheeker weekers!  Don't you want to just nibble and eat her up?

She and I have had a boring time of it lately.  These past few weeks have not been the best, emotional and energy wise for me.  But things are getting better...the more sleep I get.

Which reminds me, thank you oh great dr. who prescribed Bo sleeping pills.  You deserve a kiss with tongue my good man.

  

She's too busy eating her Nutella and fossils (aka pretzels) to care that there's a camera.  She's my kinda target.

Each day I feel a little more like a human.  It's kinda weird let me tell you.  But at least I can take these moments and enjoy them instead of letting them pass me by.

And when little man got home I attacked him with the camera.  He's the kid that poses the second he sees a camera and smiles so crazy like you wonder how his cheeks don't burst from his face.  I had to tell him NOT to pose, to be normal.  Look at his book and just let me take a picture or 20.  

This made him nervous, and I saw myself and my dad come out in him.  He doesn't chuckle and stiffen up like my dad does.  Or say over and over 'I HATE pictures.  Please don't take a picture of me' like I do.

But when I say give me a bit of a smile, there's that pose again, there's that smile, and he gets all fidgety as if he's trying to hang onto a million monkeys.

Everything else about my day doesn't matter.  You don't need pictures of me lying on the couch in a fetal position hoping the Tylenol kicks in soon.  Or of my hair that's half ass in a pony tail and my look of 'don't fuck with me or you will lose a body part'.  Believe me.  These two munchkins, they matter.  They are part of why I get up in the mornings and keep trying to overcome my issues.  They are why I smile and why I laugh and have fun.

Well that and their daddy, who will get his own camera attack momentarily. 

One of those days again

My moods are a lovely roller coaster ride in Hades.  Let's be honest.  I get random bad thoughts suddenly and my mood goes from perky to depressed in a blink of an eye.

Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo.  Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing.  He knew something was up and asked what happened.  I told him.  Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them.  Except I can't.

I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down.  All because of my fantabulous imagination.  I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting.  The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.

It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare.  My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up.  I don't want to take anything.  I want to get this under control on my own.  I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed.  You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.  

It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.

I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy.  Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.

Not a joke, I promise

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing.  Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house.  And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean.  It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices.  I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have.  I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready.  I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself.  Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it.  It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

Waving a finger at 2011

It's Tuesday, January 3, and the holidays and 2011 are officially over!!! HOT DAMN!!!

Did you survive?

Did you start a new hobby to help you manage the stress...like drinking?

Mine is curling myself up in a fetal position and singing the Backyardigans theme song before I go to bed.  It's quite calming.

I woke up this morning and was like aaaahhhh life is about to go back to normal now.  Bo went back to work today, Bailey goes back to school tomorrow and I'll be left alone with Squirley the screwnugget all day trying desperately to get/keep my house clean.  Although I'm looking around now and realizing, I have been cleaning a lot over the past week and the house looks way better.  Merry Christmas to me!

2011 was a rough year for me emotionally.  It was a full year that I was not on happy pills and let me just say OMFG I understand why those little bastards were invented.  If I liked the dazed and confused feeling they give me I'd get back on those suckers right now.  But I'm still iffy on them, and still wanting to do this on my own.  Who knows I may stop being stubborn in 2012 and take them again.  It was the year Jocelyn completely confirmed my suspicions that she really is a flying by the seat of her pants kinda girl.   She ate toothpaste, vitamins, and any piece of food she found on the floor.  Anything is her sucker, including toy hammers and hangers.  She's a sneaky, mouthy, dominating klepto.  WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE BUNGHOLE is our new slogan.  It was the year Bailey's attitude/emotions/anger seemed to blow up suddenly into something we had never witnessed before and was frightening coming out of a 6 year old.  Thankfully we were able to beat him into submission, which I plan on sharing tips with you now that I know it works.  It involves duct tape and laffy taffy, it's totally legit.  Oh please shut your pie hole, it's actually a rather clever book that really has changed things.  2011 was the year I became a great aunt, and I'm now known as Auntie Niknak...no one has jumped on the bandwagon yet but I'm persistent, it will happen damnit.  There's more, but it's early, the coffee hasn't kicked in so I'm moving on.

To say I'm glad 2011 is over is sugar coating things.  I'm fucking thrilled.  The above paragraph may seem bright and shiny but honestly, it wasn't.  I was stressed out, depressed, OCD'ing like a crankwhore, and all around screwed up last year.  I saved you all the trouble of having to read about it too often...you are very welcome.  And now instead of reliving those bad moments, I'd rather be funny.  Laughter is much easier to hear than crying.  My hopes for 2012 is that all things get under control, or at least more manageable than they were last year.

I'm leaving you with a song.  It's inspiring.  It's poignant.


What?!  Were you expecting something serious?  You really don't know me.....

Piece of advice

Don't take a unisom and then make yourself stay awake.  I'm here to tell you, that shit will kick your ass.

I took one last night because sleep has once again gone on vacation.  Bo actually had the bright idea for me to take it and since I WANT sleep like I WANT Henry Cavill naked between my sheets, I agreed.  The problem was, I had stuff cooking on Cafe World that wasn't ready yet and wouldn't be for 2 1/2 hours.  I took it anyway, this stuff barely works so it won't hurt anything.  Riiight.

By the time I went to bed, I was loopy, not in a 'I'm so high I think I can fly' loopy way, but a 'weeeee I feel so relaxed that a herd of elephants could stampeded right next to me and I wouldn't care' way.  That's where the fun stopped though.  I remember being awake all night and tossing and turning every few minutes because I couldn't get comfortable.  Since I pulled a muscle in my back a few days ago, most movement hurts like a bitch, so I'd have to relax my muscles after every move but then I'd get relaxed and still not be comfy...and I'd move again.  (In the midst of my fitful sleep, he was doing his normal routine of touching me inappropriately and pulling my pants down.)  According to Bo, I woke up every 5 minutes or so to move but I'd fall right back to sleep.  His proof? I was snoring.  He says I did this until about 2am because that was the last time he checked the clock, after that I finally slept.  Except I do not feel like it and you cannot convince me I actually slept last night.

Waking me up wasn't pretty.  He says he tried everything and I wouldn't respond; I don't remember any of it.  He finally got me to respond by kissing me like a crazy person but only with small uh huh moans.  Getting desperate he thought of the one way he knows to wake me up...to de-pants me and start kissing my butt.  Yeah, resourceful little shit aint he?  I barely remember him doing this, until I guess I reached my ass kissing threshold because I was instantly pissed and started yelling at him.  I called him a perv and said he tormented me with that shit enough in the night he had no right or reason to do that to wake me up.  I told him to get a wet wash cloth next time, anything but THAT.  He happily obliged after I'd reamed him a new one, all while my eyes were still cemented shut.  The rag helped, him making me talk helped and I eventually started waking up.

I could be wrong but I think this process started at 7am, once he realized I wasn't waking up any time soon he took Bailey to school and came back about 7:35 or thereabouts and tried again.  It was 8:30 before I finally woke up and got out of bed.

I'm on my second giant mug of coffee, and peeps I feel like if I lay my head down I'd be out cold in seconds.

Lesson learned, we don't fuck with sleeping pills OMFG!!

Turning 30

I remember about 13 years or so ago (totally can't remember, how's that for getting old hehe) when my BIL turned 30.  He was distraught and not happy at all.  I remember giving him a hard time about it right along with everyone else.  If I think a little harder, most of the people I've witnessed who've hit 30 has thrown a fit or been depressed about it.  Like my other BIL, who once Bailey was born swore he'd never have another birthday again (Bailey was born on his birthday) since it was no longer his so he could avoid hitting 30.

My 30th birthday is coming in February and Bo's is in April, and I'm here to tell you it's not THAT bad.  I think these two boys especially are just whiny bitches.  I again quote my grandma, you are only as old as you feel, and age isn't everything.  I don't feel old and I don't feel like crying because I'm about to turn the BIG 3-0.  I think the funniest part about our birthdays this year is not whining and throwing fits to show his brother and my BIL what big babies they were when they hit 30.

Bring on the black balloons and 'Older Than Dirt' signs all you want, you won't see us crying.

And because we're about to turn 30, I thought we should have a big 'ol bash to celebrate.  Neither of us have had a birthday party since we've been married...yeah we suck.  What's even worse is our short list of friends to invite.  I came up with the fab idea of having an all 80's party right down to the music and fashion.  Bo just rolled his eyes at me.  The nerve.

So I'm asking all you wonderful people, what did you do on your 30th?  I'm looking for ideas and inspiration, because I think we both need a big celebration this year.

Stop me if you've heard this before

I should be used to this by now, except every night is something different and new.  I wake up with fingers in places they SHOULD NOT BE, my pants around my ankles and a certain body part poking me painfully in my hip...or in other more intimate places.  I'm literally to the point that if Bo touches me I wake up and start hitting him to leave me the fuck alone.

The first instance last night included penetration with fingers in a not so friendly place, not the first time...sigh.  The second instance was something new and of course Bo is all 'That's awesome.  That one goes in the books'.  Right now I can't say I'm laughing about it, it may take me days to finally find the humor in it, because I'm so fing tired I can barely keep my eyes open.  The only humorous thing for me right now, is the idea of sleep.  I've come to believe it no longer exists.

So I'm sleeping and I feel my butt get cold, and because I'm in and out of sleep I'm all foggy and don't truly realize what's going on.  I'm pretty sure I fell back to sleep for a while.  Then I notice something wet is touching my butt.  The more I wake up the more I realize it's lips...Bo is kissing my ass.  I jerk away, not sure if I kicked or hit him or what I did to be honest, before telling him to fucking stop it and let me sleep for THE LOVE OF GOD.  He woke up instantly coming to his knees saying 'woah what the hell' a few times as he looked every which way in a panic as if he was about to be attacked.  He'd literally hunkered down as low in the bed as he could go (and according to him his legs were hanging off the bed at first) to 'attack' me.

I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep...tried being the key word.  It didn't happen, or at least I don't feel like it ever did.

You know it's pretty sad that he's doing these ridiculous things to me while we sleep, because it makes me not want him to touch me at all or kiss me or freaking look at me.  I have to fend him off of me all night like some crazed stalker.  I shouldn't have that feeling about my own husband but I do.  There are days where it's far too hard just to kiss him thanks to these nightly attacks.  What he's done is seriously putting a wall between us...or maybe that's just me wishing there was so I COULD GET SOME FRICKIN SLEEP!

I'm not so cold-hearted that I blame him or that I'm mad at him, I'm pissed at what he's doing in his sleep.  I know he can't really help it, and it keeps him from getting sleep too sometimes.  I'm mad because I think it's him working up until close to midnight before coming to bed.  I'm mad because I think it's all the stress he's under from work because he works so much.  I'm mad because no matter what we've tried it only lasts for a day or two before it all starts again.  I feel bad, it's gotta suck on his end too, but I'm at my wits end about this.

Tonight, one of us is sleeping on the couch.  I can't do this anymore...

Only a week to plan, yeah I can do that....maybe

Why don't we have Thanksgiving at our house this year? - Bo asked me this morning as he was marking stuff on the calendar...

Wait what?!?!

This year seems to be an off year in our family concerning holidays.  Normally we go to 3 or 4 houses in 1 to 2 days, it's chaotic and so so stressful.  But this year everyone has new plans and we'll only be attending his mom's.  I find this normal, as that's the number of houses I visited each holiday growing up, but for Bo this is strange and a bit sad.

I get it, in fact I understand why he wants to have our own this year and am totally up for it.  I however can't help the sinking feeling of OMG I have never done anything like this before...can I even pull it off?

There's only 4 of us, and I know I don't have to go all out and make 20 sides and 10 pies/cakes.  But what's Thanksgiving without traditional sides?  Why bother calling it that if you don't have the familiar 'faces', you know?  At least we'll have enough food to last us all week...

I have a feeling that the giant, almost full bottle of Vodka in the freezer is going to finally be gone.

Parenting tricks

We've talked over and over about things we can change in how we interact with Bailey and how to discipline him, I've even purchased books to help.  One book in particular hasn't given us much help, the other two I just bought last night so we still have hope for them.  There's two things we've tried so far and have actually noticed a change, and I thought I'd share just in case anyone out there is having similar issues with their munchkin.

1 - Every day I ask the kids to help me do something.  Jocelyn is a so a 2 year old, she'd rather play or empty out the bin we just filled with toys, plus she's seen her brother throw fits over cleaning and she thinks that's normal.  There are times we make it a game (see who can pick up the most toys before the timer goes off) and it works, other times neither could care less.  It's always hit and miss, but I refuse to let it go because they need responsibility.  Last week Bailey did his typical fit of 'NO I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN NOOO!', I told him he either picked up the 6 items or he'd clean something I chose.  When he didn't clean up the toys I said he got to clean the toilet.  Now I admit I made it worse by laughing and saying how happy I was that I wasn't doing it and there was lots of dripping sarcasm, but I was piffed and my attitude slipped out.  He didn't like it, but he cleaned it, and ever since if I say let's clean up our toys he does it without much of a fight.  In fact I can't tell you how many times I said that we'd start cleaning at a specific time because I had something to do first, and he'd start cleaning without me.  It hit me last night that he's been doing that ever since he cleaned the toilet.  Who would have thought!?!?!  So now it's either he cleans what I ask him to or I choose something.  Either way he gets his job done, he gets praise for helping and I get to check off one less thing on my to do list.

2 - Ignore the bitch.  Now I don't believe in ignoring the kids bad behavior, because it should be addressed and it should have repercussions, however sometimes ignoring can do you some good.  One of the things he does is he continues a fight for as long as he can.  For instance in time out he sits and screams and says mean things to me, and the more he does it the longer the fit and his anger lasts.  Most of the time I ignore him completely and just remind him ever so often in a calm voice that time out will not start until he is quiet.  Well that's not exactly how Super Nanny says to do things, but excuse me if my son says he didn't do anything wrong and it's my fault he just kicked the cat you bet your biscuits I'm going to put the smack down. Except what we've done is taken what he was initially in time out for and added on other things, making it a timeout for everything instead of one thing.  We talked about this the other day and how its obvious that sometimes he eggs things on for extra attention, and those times we should just ignore it.  We tested it out when he threw a fit over something (totally can't remember now they are all one blur at the moment) and instead of rising to his scream of no he wasn't going to or whatever it was, we didn't comment on it at all.  Instead of him screaming and whining/fake crying for 30 minutes, he didn't last but a minute or two before he stopped completely.  HOT DAMN!  This means that in time out we ignore him when he tries to make things worse, no matter what he says or does, we ignore him.  And to make sure he is given the least amount of ammo, he's now sitting in the corner on the floor with his back to us instead of on the rocking chair where he can see us and can rock himself into the wall.  Anytime he screams out in anger trying to keep the fight going, we are ignoring him.

This is not to say he's improved so much he's a new kid, not hardly.  But we've seen a few changes and a few instances of this working, and that is far better results than what we were doing.

Her father the super hero

This morning while changing her diaper, Jocelyn told me a story that went a little something like this:

Mama I saw the moon upstairs (she means in the sky)

You did?

Uh huh and I need my wings so I can go get it.

Do you have wings?

Uh huh.  I have wings like Tinkerbell.  I put them on and fly to the moon and get it.  It's my moon.

Hmm you will need to practice that sugar.  That's a long trip.

Daddy can do it.  Daddy is a super hero and he can fly and get the moon for me.

Daddy is a super hero?  Hmm that makes sense.

Yes.  Daddy is a super hero.  I'm little but I can make it too.

You are little but you can make it to the moon too?

Uh huh cause Daddy and I can fly to the moon.

I'm that wife

Family do not read any further.  I'm feeling froggy today and what is below is quite crude...

I ask my husband to watch porn so I can get some sleep.  Yup that's right I do and I'm not afraid to say so.  Because I know that my hubby would rather scrog me than watch porn any day, otherwise he wouldn't be humping my leg every night still...but it does help just enough to get a good 3 hours of sleep...most nights.

I also send him dirty texts all the time.  One in fact was not erased before he gave the phone away to a friend and now it's known around the office that not only do I give him head but I beg for it.  In fact, they know a lot of stories cause Bo can't help himself and has to share, it got to the point months and months ago that he was told it's getting old and they doubt he gets it on that often.  Now they hear the stories of him depantsing me in my sleep and waking up to me slapping the shit out of him because he'd once again sleep fucked me.

Today I thought I'd shake things up a bit and sent him a pic of my boobs.  And you know what I got?  NOTHING for 30 minutes.  Not a woohoo baby, not a wait a sec so I can view it properly someone is at my desk.  Nothing.  I was beginning to think his boss saw the pic somehow and he was now in her office getting his butt reamed for having a lewd wife.  I was really starting to panic and get worried when he FINALLY responds with:

lol just saw it... weak... just weak ;)


After all that I do, the lengths I go, and I get that?  Seriously?  Does he not remember who he's married to?

Breaking him in with sex talk

Family warning: Don't read further unless you want to bleed from your eyeballs.

Picture it: Last night Bo and I were standing in our kitchen talking about our day after the kids were in bed.  Long story short something happened at work today that touched on our past and I was asking him how he explained to the boys how he went from 'friend zone' to boyfriend with me.  That's when we started talking about our early days, when we made out semi naked (the day I woke up and realized he had a penis, shut up don't judge, I've known him since I was 5, we weren't moving THAT fast) in our friend's uncle's bed, and then a few months later scrogged in his dad and step mom's tub and a few months after that in my parents bed.  We were both cringing that we did such stupid things and how on earth did we overlook where we were when in walked Bailey.

We have no idea how much he overheard.  But the few sentences that were said seconds before he walked into the kitchen concerned whether or not I had just a top or just pants on that first day at our friends house.  Bo made the remark that either way he had access to something fun.  I saw Bo freeze and look in the door way then I hear "I need a drink".  Thus two adults giggled and hawed over the next few minutes as we realized we just got caught.  AND OMG WHAT DID HE HEAR.

He's 6.  He's a smart fella and he has always asked the right questions.  I can explain sex to a teen, but a 6 year old?  A teen gets penis and sex jokes and knows what a stiffy is.  A 6 year old doesn't and has a crappy sense of humor.  I can't tell jokes to my 6 year old!  I can't give goofy visuals to break the ice so the kid's comfy.  If I say you hang from the ceiling fan, clucking like a chicken with a bottle in your ass, the kid is going to think that really happens.  I'm going to have to rethink my tactics.

Dear Bailey, sex is something fun you do when you become an adult.  If you do it too early, then the girl's coochysnorcher will bite your winky off and eat it for breakfast.  It has to grow in properly before then or bye bye winky.  Sex is a funny tickle in your trunk and when it's done right it get's real happy and spits with joy.  But aim carefully, that shit stings the eyes.

Life with a Tasmanian Devil

Saturday I had a shopping trip with my friend, which was awesome I might add, and Bo was here all day with the kids.  Yeah allllll day, I left at 11am and didn't get back until 6:30...gasp me shopping that long is unheard of.  But I digress.  He decided that playing upstairs would be fun for them so up and down they went.  (We have a child gate on the stairs to prevent her from going up and getting hurt.)  Between all the ups and downs, the gate got forgotten and she made her way up and was alone with a litter box for a few minutes.....

She grabbed some objects and created candles, then grabbed one of those rubber door stops things and started scooping the 'sand' as she called it.  By the time Bo realized she was up there alone (he says was maybe 3 minutes), he ran up to check and there she was, having herself a little party with cat shit.

I've said it before, but I'm saying it again.  Either Joss will cure me of OCD or she'll drive me bonkers and I'll need a straight jacket and a padded room...cheese and rice.

On this day

eleven years ago, I literally married my best friend....notice how red he is?? LOL at the time he was installing satelites all over creation, so he was 1) extremely dark from being out in the sun for HOURS and 2) nervous as hell.  I am not responsible for the horrible makeup, just so you know.  EEEESH.

I never get tired of telling our story or thinking over those days before and during our beginning.  I still find it funny, that I never saw him as anything but Bo, my friend.  I swear to you, the boy had no penis in my head.  He was just Bo, nothing more.  Whatever changed inside of me that summer before we started dating, I'm thankful.  Because I saw him for the first time and fell in love in a blink of an eye, and found an amazing partner to share my life with...who had been there all along and I never even noticed.

It's not a secret that I'm a hopeless romantic and we have Bo to thank for that.  Before him, I swore real love was only in fairy tales and books.  Once I opened my eyes and saw him, I knew it existed and was as real as you and me.  The fact that I still get excited minutes before he comes home or when he kisses me and that he can still get me rattled when he flirts with me after eleven years of marriage, just proves it.

But don't think for a second that I have an easy button; we have our dark moments and most of which are entirely my fault. 

I love my man, without him by my side.....I'd blow away with the slightest breeze.

Happy Anniversary lover!

Grumbling again

Where have I been this past week??

Sleep deprived because of my husband.

Again.

We've tried a few ideas in hopes to fix his sleep sex fondling, nothing has worked so far, and we're now down to sleeping pills and his own bed.

On the 15th school starts.  Right now, after this past week of horror and last night which I swear to all things holy was THE WORST NIGHT EVER in which he began wrapping himself around me to the point I could barely move let alone breath AFTER 'taking care of it' four times throughout the night, I dread school.  I dread it, I'm afraid of it and I do not know how I'm going to survive.  Other than going to bed with the sun in hopes I get some sleep before he comes to bed.

I don't want to kick him out of our bed.  I don't want to knock him or myself out by sleeping pills.  But my gosh, I can barely get dressed right now how the hell am I going to take and pick up Bailey from school every day with Jocelyn by my side in this state?

Anyone else out there with husband who tries to have sex with you while you are both asleep?  Anyone?!?!?! Please tell me I'm not alone!!!!!

Improvement

I've been laying low so to speak cause I'd rather talk about something OTHER than the dismal state my mind is in.  It's better though.  Much better.  But still I feel deflated and down.

It's kinda funny/weird/awesome but we've been getting away from the kids a lot lately.  And I'm loving it, yet wondering if we can keep affording to do all this. 

Ok so it's not like we're going out to a play or fancy dinner all the time...it's the movies.

Gasp, when did going to see a movie become such a luxury??? 

Personally I don't care, just happy to go this much.

Today we're going to see another one, the last Harry Potter film.  I'm beyond excited as I'm a HUGE fan of both the books and the movies.  I had wanted to get caught up on the series before watching the last two installments but that didn't happen.  I'm FAR too behind on my book list as it is so...I'll just be watching the movie totally in the dark, just as it is for someone who hasn't read the books yet.

Before the kids we'd go almost every weekend to the movies.  Once Bailey was born it became once MAYBE twice a year we'd go.  We've gone to 4 or 5 movies in the last 2 months...that's huge for us.

So I'm here..still trying to mend and trying to find something else to talk about.  I'll be posting more book reviews later today.  That's something more entertaining right??!?!

Border control

We had this awesome idea of a body pillow to ward off Bo's wandering hands.  It's now been 4 nights of HELL.

Let me explain.

I found the fluffiiest, thickest body pillow I could find. I then took this wall of white fluff and put it down the center of our bed.  Easy right?  Wrong.  We are both left with a small strip to sleep on.

Here's #1 of why this idea isn't working.  WE HAVE NO ROOM TO MOVE.  I normally sleep in one position, on my side, anyway but I do change my position through the night sometimes..  I have to manover myself just so, so that I don't fall off the bed.  If I was any fatter I'd be in the floor.  I literally have enough room for my fat ass to lay in a straight line.  Excuse me I like to have my leg bent, not angled ever so slightly.  If I turn toward the pillow, I'm smothered by white fluffyness.  Don't tell me to sleep on my back or my stomach, Nikki don't swing that way.

This thing is so big, we can't see each other over it.  I have to climb on top of it just to lean over to give him a kiss, or vice versa. 

But it hasn't stopped his damn wandering hands.

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh no, it hasn't.  He still sneaks that hand over and tries to de-pants me even though he can barely touch me with the tips of his fingers.  You know what he's started doing NOW? He touches me for a few seconds in one spot before he moves his hand a fraction of an inch, OVER AND OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN.  After the third time I just started slapping the bastard's hand any time he touched me.  Because you better believe that now after all this crap I wake up instantly when he touches me.

You know what he tells me?  That he's woken up to me rubbing him a couple times so it's not just him doing this....um yeah my three times is so equal to your 10 times a frickin night.  And last night I somehow swung my leg over that pillow and put my heel in his Mommy/Daddy button and racked him.  That's when, he says, he started waking up touching me, BECAUSE THAT FOOT ON HIS DICK TRIGGERED IT....Yeah.  I really appreciate this being my fault.  Oh and he says that the pillow is helping cause he's only tried to take my pants off once in 4 days........

If I had it in me, I'd stay up all night and pay him back and then say 'welcome to my world bitch' but at this point I'm afraid he'd enjoy it too much.

That's it, I'm done

I had three nights of uninterrupted sleep and it was MAGIC.  I felt like a human again.  I had energy.  I was determined to get things done.  I was optimistic.  I was PERKY!

Two nights now of very little sleep and guess what? I'm right back to feeling like crap, no energy, no stamina, no determination.  All I want is for everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep.  I WANT SLEEP.

I'm getting a body pillow and it's going in between me and Bo.  If that doesn't work, I'll try sleeping pills and if that doesn't work...he'll have to find a new bed because I can't take this anymore.  I love him, more than anything, but if he touches me one more frickin time in my sleep I'm kicking him in the balls...er ball.