Feeding my dragon today

Last night baby Wyatt Ely R. was born weighing in at 6lbs15oz and 19 1/2 inches long. 

I should be rejoicing and happy and all that involved with having a new baby in the family.  But I'm not.

I can't.

The kids and I stayed home since we're still sniffly but Bo headed to the hospital to be there with the family.  I actually asked him to wait until he was born before leaving.  Not because it could be 4am before he got back home like he thought, it was because I wanted him with me and not there.  With a new baby. 

I was keeping it all in until Bo asked what was wrong with me.  Which was when I got mad, it was like he hadn't been paying attention to what I've been saying if he had to ask that question.  Did I not tell you that having K and J pregnant right now was kicking my ass?  That I just wanted to cry knowing they are going through something I'll never get to experience again?  HELLOO.  He says he was hoping it was something he'd done to piss me off and not that.  Because then it would be something that he could fix, this is something he can't.  Then he said he felt guilty for getting snipped because of how badly I feel.

Even though it was a decision we made, and one I still agree with 100%, I can't help that I want more.  And it kills me to know he feels guilty like it's his fault.

He says I'm heartbroken.

I say I'm being stupid.

He says it will get easier plus we've always talked about adopting someday.

I say I'm afraid to see this baby.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold him or look at him without crying and people are going to notice and I'll have to explain.  How do you explain something you don't understand?  And adopting...that's years away before it will happen.  It doesn't help me right now.

I feel like such a jerk right now. 

Help stop stupidity!!

I truly don't know where to start, this issue has gotten me so pissed off I keep rambling whenever I try to write this post.

I try to stay clear of political and religious topics.  But this is one time where I'm not going to keep quiet.  AS IT IS THE MOST FUCKING RETARDED THING I'VE HEARD THIS YEAR.

A man named Bobby Franklin, a rep for Georgia, is trying to pass a bill that abortions (and anything considered an abortion including D&C's) shall be punishable by death.  Not only is that stupid in and of itself, but if you have a miscarriage you have to file a freaking report.  All cases (so it seems) must be reported and will be investigated to make sure you didn't do it on purpose.

I'm including this blog post that I read this morning which, inspired this post.

Don't go all abortion is murder on me, I know that.  I think everyone is smart enough to knows that.  If some girl gets knocked up by her boyfriend and gets an abortion without telling anyone, she needs to seek counselling.  If some chick has sex with lots of random guys and has periodic abortions, the chick needs major counselling and jail time.  A death sentence however IS RETARDED AS RETARDED CAN BE.  But if someone is raped, or can't take care of themselves let alone a baby including the medical care they need while pregnant, or if it's a life or death situation, leave them alone, they are going through enough as it is.  So yeah, for me, it depends on the situation, but in the end it's still ending a life.

I can see why this goober thought of this bill, but the sad part that he obviously never thought of or it never managed to chip inside his iceberg head, is that the people who will pay the most are those who are in pain because of a loss they couldn't prevent or because they had no other choice.  Yeah I do agree those who do abortions as if it's no big deal should be punished in some way, not by death I mean come on, but the majority of women going through them are shaken up and in pain because of their situation.  Like they need more anguish added on!  Yes, there should be a punishment but it should depend on the situation.  And yes, yes I know that you can't find that out without an investigation, but seriously there are ways of finding out without torturing those innocent in a terrible situation  I think this bill is absolutely, 100% stupid and unnecessary.

If you want to punish those who are committing actual murder and doing things on purpose to lose the pregnancy, go after them please, but leave everyone else alone.

My secret

I've struggled with whether I should write this post or not.  It's very personal, although it's rare that I don't share personal issues, this one hurts.  But this is something that is really torturing me as of late, and it's something I shouldn't hide from.

Last month was a big month for me.  On July 7, 2004 I had my first miscarriage, the due date was January 10th, then I lost another pregnancy in January of 2008.  It's painful, those two things all on their own, but when you add that with the three people I know who are pregnant right now and that I'll never be pregnant again...well it's no wonder I've had days of struggling to get out of bed.

I picked an awesome time to stop my meds didn't I??

I've had to tell myself over and over, almost daily, why we had Bo snipped.  Because that pain and that need to have more is still very strong.  Even though I know it was the right decision, the BEST decision for our family, it still hurts. 

My niece is one of those pregnant.  And let me just say that the whole back story to this is terrible, pathetic and is down right disgusting, so much so that I'd love to have weeks of bashing the pathetic excuse for a human that is the reason she's going to be a single mother.  However I can't, as it probably wouldn't help her in finalizing a divorce where she gets custody.  Even though I'd be the crazy aunt raving about him and his retarded, brainwashing, twisted group he calls his family, and they are desperate enough use it against her.  Although I can claim I'm crazy and maybe the judge would let it slide...I know it would make me feel better if I could bash his sorry ass.

But I digress.

It's been really hard to be positive and excited about this with her and my family.  But I have been, as much as I can anyway.  This isn't about me, in any way, shape or form and my personal issues have no place for this situation.  So I've kept it quiet, barely even mentioning it to Bo.  It hasn't been easy at all, trying to be 'ok' with this for everyone.  But I will, and I will keep my pity party in my head and out of the conversations. 

I know better than to keep stuff inside, but in this case I have to for the most part. 

I'm not mad at K, or the other two I know who are pregnant, I'm happy for them.  I'm just not excited.  I don't blame them but I am a little jealous that they get to experience this and I'll never be able to again.  And I'll be there for them as much as I can, and I hope I'm able to keep all this to myself so I don't make it tough for them.  It's my problem after all.

I wish this didn't hurt so much. 
 

My twisted mind

Last week we got Frost, aka Polar Bear, clipped.  He seems to not mind that his ‘boys’ are gone, as he acts no different.  Riddick on the other hand was sad and very clingy for a few days.  Frost, is like “What balls?  Did you throw a ball?  I want to play with a ball? BALLS!”.

But the snipping of one balls reminded us of the snipping of others.  I have reminded Mr. Bo weekly since Jocelyn has been born.  I’m sure you’re wondering why I’d do this since I’m not thrilled with the idea.  Well that’s because in my head, the longer he waits the more I convince myself that maybe he does want more.  I reminded him again….probably during the time Frost was losing his.  And he finally made the appointment. 

I have to say, my mood dropped after he made the phone call.  I went from being in a good mood to feeling like my world was crashing down.  I wanted to crawl under my blanket and sleep it away.  It was like, up until that moment I hadn’t realized it would happen.  I thought that he’d change his mind, that he’d be willing to forget the reasons why we shouldn’t and focus on a teeny baby instead.  Because that’s what I do.  He was shook up afterwards himself but mainly because now the idea was real for him.  He’d lose his balls too.

I had to explain to him why I was so upset, and he was almost willing to cancel.  How do you explain that you want another baby so bad you can feel them laying on you chest but know that its not the right thing to do?  How do you make someone you love believe you when you say you won’t blame them or hate them for making this permanent decision when your not on board?  It was tough.  I hope, I think, he finally understood, since he didn’t cancel.  It’s hard to explain even to myself.  He’s right, I couldn’t mentally handle another pregnancy.  It would add on to my stress, my anxiety and that affects us all.  It wouldn’t be healthy for me, the baby, our kids or us as a couple.  I struggle daily with two, I beat myself up for not being Supermom on a daily basis, and having three would be pure hell and I can’t do that to Bailey and Jocelyn, or Bo.  Knowing this though, it doesn’t take away that need to have another.  To feel a baby kicking inside is beyond amazing.  To hold them for the first time, is incredible.  That closeness that you only get with a newborn.  Ahhhh… 

But the worst part, is that I’ve had dreams every night since of babies.  I find out I’m pregnant, or I’m big with a baby and I feel it moving, or I just had one and I can feel it laying on my chest as if its real.  EVERY. FREAKING. NIGHT.  That makes it rough to get up and stay positive during the day.  It makes that need grow, and makes me sad knowing we can’t. 

The good side of this, is we have adoption if later on Bo says he’s ok with more.  We can give a child a home, a family and the love it needs.  I want to adopt, always have, and its something I look forward to.  It doesn’t diminish that need for another of our own, but it helps.  It helps enough, especially if I keep it at the top of my lists of things to worry/think about.

The ‘nothing’

The past few days my mind has been a blank.  I know why, tomorrow is Jocelyn’s birthday.  I’m sad, as of tomorrow she will no longer be a baby.  She’ll be a toddler.  I’ve mentioned this enough times I’m sure all of you are like “Come on Nikki give it a rest.  We get it, move on already”.  Well boo to you, its my blog I can bitch all I want about my baby growing up.  ~sticks tongue out~

My babies are miracle babies.  I can’t help but want to hold onto them as long as I can.  Five pregnancies and only two babies, how can I not get emotional at milestones?  Five pregnancies and only two babies… I feel jipped, I feel cheated and I guess that's why knowing that she’s my last hurts so badly.  I know what a miracle they are, and I had it easy compared to some.  The thought that tomorrow is her first birthday, the last first birthday I’ll get to share with my child, the last first everything, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.  No I don’t resent Bo or hate him or anything for his choice for not wanting more.  He’s the logical one in this relationship.  He’s right, I couldn’t mentally handle the rollercoaster that is trying to conceive and pregnancy and delivery.  No matter how much I want another one, no matter how much I love my babies, I’m going to cause enough problems with my issues I don’t need to add more fuel to the fire.  I can’t help but be sad, and wish I could do it just one more time, I think I will always be like this as hard as it is to admit.  But its not his fault, its mine.  Well my brains fault, since I cannot help what my brain does to me.  That is the only thing I blame and am pissed off at. 

The movie Never Ending Story, is one of my childhood favorites and I still watch it and enjoy it to this day.  But the Nothing, its more than some weird being in a children’s story.  It’s real and its in my head.  Its where I go when things get hard.  Its where I retreat to to help the thoughts go away.  Because if I don’t, bad things happen.  Bad things that still to this day I have a hard time talking about.  Things that I have trouble remembering because I’ve blocked it out.  Even with happy pills, it takes over and clouds my mind.  Scary to think that I’m thankful for it, because I know what happens without it.

Tomorrow I will try my hardest to not let the Nothing take over because I cannot miss this.  I cannot miss her first birthday, I want to remember it.  I won’t let it destroy tomorrow.  Even if that means I have to plaster a smile on my face and fake it.  It’s been a while since I’ve had to, but after having 10 years of doing it daily I think I’m an old pro at it.  Just like riding a bike……

 

Sickly Christmas

That’s it, it should be a law that you cannot be 1) sick while pregnant nor 2) sick for the holidays. For the past month, the three of us have been fighting off a cold/sinus infection/cough aka CRAP. One of us will get better for a few days, and then gets sick all over again. It keeps returning, and with a vengeance. I woke up today with a very deep voice and a sore throat. The soreness is gone now, but I’m still talking like Vin Diesel. And not only do I feel huge, clumsy and weak from pregnancy AND being sick, I have to find it in me somehow to make cookies, wrap presents, and clean my damn house. Nothing has been done to get any of these started since the sickness has taken over, so I have one day, ONE FREAKING DAY, to do all of this. I know the hubby will help when he gets home, but so we’re not up until 4 in the morning, I have to get started early by myself. SON OF A BITCH!!

Thankfully the house cleaning part isn’t because people are coming here for the holidays. Nope, that’s because on Monday I have my 36 week home checkup with my midwife. Oh yeah, one step closer to Jellybean coming out! Oh shit. There is a part of me that is beyond ready for her to be here, and that would be my crotch talking. The baby is lower now, not as low as she’s going to be, but low enough that my crotch aches. Sitting, standing, lying down all takes effort and all seem to hurt this area. Oh and walking, can’t forget that walking also does it. That leaves um sleeping but then when I wake up and have to change positions, that hurts. So yeah crotch pain is almost constant at this point and she’s screaming GET HER OUT NOW. I think she has forgotten how painful it is for the baby to come out, because the crotch pain is a walk in the park compared to that.

It's back......

Forty-four days until my due date. I wanted to journal as much as I did last time. Nope. I wanted to take weekly or monthly photos so I could see just how much I grew, because last time my camera was crap and none of the pics from my pregnancy or the first weeks of Munchkin’s life turned out. Nope. I’m frustrated and sad that I haven’t documented this pregnancy like I had wanted. I realize I didn’t write in my journal or take a picture that day as I’m lying in bed at night. During the day these thoughts never cross my mind, but let the sun go down and boom I remember what I should have done. This is important to me and I’m just letting the days go by and not following through with it. I’ve come to realize that the depression is still here. What is important to me is being forgotten until the moment I can’t do anything about it, and I kick my ass for it. It’s what I did every day all those years before I got help. I hate even saying it, it feels like an excuse, but it’s true. The depression kept me from having fun, from wanting to have fun, from enjoying anything, from not doing things that made me feel good or smile, etc. it made me lie on the couch day after day and do nothing. I’m back there. I don’t have the bad thoughts though; I’m just not doing anything. It’s very confusing because my head is not ugly like it was before. I’m happy, I’m excited about the baby FINALLY, I’m loving my life and yet I’m once again not doing the things I love. I don’t know what’s more frustrating, the fact that I can’t do the stuff I want to and it’s all just a mental block or the fact that I don’t have the energy or stamina to fight myself into doing it.

Forty-four days until my due date, and I’m going to try hard to post more, to journal more and to take pictures. Although now after 13 weeks of no pictures it’s sort of redundant, but I’m still going to try to remember. I’m going to make my To Do lists once again, and on those lists these two things will be included. We’re down to the last 6 weeks, which means lots of scrambling to get things ready, rearranged, cleaned and purchased. It’s stressful, and I’m sure that with that I will forget, but that’s a better excuse than I just did nothing all day and ‘forgot’ to do it.

Echo....echo

This pregnancy has done wonders on me, physically and mentally, good and bad. Since stopping my happy pills, my OCD has returned but it’s not as bad as it used to be. Yay, yet still frustrating because its still there. I have new worries swimming in my head now, and I have days where no matter what kind of pep talk I give myself they won’t stop. But I have something to focus my OCD tendencies on, getting ready for Jellybean. The depression on the other hand has not shown up, so major tribal dance on that. Keeping my fingers crossed that it stays away for good. Then there are the physical side effects. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I wobble when I walk. I have a hard time getting up off the floor, out of bed and off the couch. I’m obsessed with food, I’ve gained 17lbs so far which is pretty on track so not too bad considering I obsess and fantasize about my next meal while eating my current one. Oh and I can’t forget, I can’t write.

No matter what I do, no matter how I try to inspire myself my mind is an absolute blank. So blank, that I’ve been working on this post for days because I cannot find anything to say really. I’ve had to make notes just to get this far. This means no journaling for either me or the kiddos. No working on my projects. No blogging. It’s both frightening and a relief. How a relief? I’m not sure exactly, except now I don’t have ideas screaming through my head 24/7 distracting me. Yet I miss writing, I miss that energy boost I get when I have an idea and have to write it down ASAP. I miss reading what I worked on the day before and getting excited about what’s going to come next. I miss that release I get when I’ve written something good. How I can feel relief when I miss it so much, is a mystery to me. Even reading isn’t as much fun as it used to be. This just makes me cringe with pain, no writing and very little reading what the hell is wrong with me.

I’m hoping that once Jellybean is here, and after my hormones return to semi normal I can pick up these two loves of mine again. If I have time that is. Two kids and me all day long alone in the house. SCARY. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle this, I hope Jellybean is as mild and easy as Munchkin has been. Although according to the ultrasound we had a few days ago, it’s a girl and we all know how dramatic and demanding they can be.

Acrobat in training

At about 9 weeks I started feeling this ball of pressure on one side of my stomach and it would slowly move to the other before going away. I shrugged it off to weird gas, because we all know the beauty of pregnancy also equals lots of gas among other attractive things. Then it got stronger as the weeks went by and I began to worry that maybe I had this weird gas bubble stuck in my stomach and it was trying desperately to get out but couldn’t. I now know its Jellybean, running laps in my uterus. I thought it was the baby, hoped it was but didn’t want to get my hopes up. How in the world can a baby the size of a lemon cause so much discomfort and occasional pain? Imagine wrestling, one guy runs and slings himself off of the ropes on one side of the ring to hit the other side before pouncing on his opponent. This is what the baby is doing. When it reaches the side of my uterus it feels like its pushing its way out, then the feeling moves across to the other side of the uterus to do the same. I had this pressure sensation while pregnant with my son, but not until I was 6 months or more pregnant with him. I’m afraid of this baby, if it can do this now, is this active now when you are barely supposed feel it, how active and what will it do later on as it gets bigger? Oh shit.

On Friday I enter my 4th month, I’ve heard the heartbeat, and obviously I’m feeling it move, and yet I’m still disconnected. I don’t know what I need now to make me feel like I’m pregnant or that I’m a part of it. I feel like I’m still watching, like it’s a dream and I’m not really pregnant. I’m also terrified of the labor and delivery, which may have something to do with me keeping myself distant. I have to keep my mind moving and not focus on that part, it’s getting harder to do but I will not let this get me. I will fight it and I will win. Damnit I better.

Rainy days......

Being pregnant should be a time of joy and sheer happiness, of goofy smiles and giggling over baby dreams. That is no where to be seen around here, at least not for me. I just can’t get into this pregnancy. I can’t connect to the baby, I keep changing my mind on the name, and I don’t even have the urge to buy baby stuff. I don’t understand why some of us have to go through the hell of miscarriages while others can have blissfully ignorant pregnancies. I’m 9 weeks and we just told our parents, mainly just in case something happens again so they’ll know finally why we keep going missing for weeks at a time. I’m already starting to show, and all it does is upset me because well I’m only 9 weeks, I should not have to be shopping for maternity clothing already, and two it isn’t a big enough sign for me to relax. I don’t know if once we hear the heartbeat if I’ll relax, or if feeling it move will help, hell I have a feeling I’ll need to hold the baby before I realize this is actually real. I am tired of pretending to be happy, I thought it would help me get there but its not. And now, people are really going to see something is wrong, because I don’t get excited talking about the baby, I don’t get excited about the baby stuff, I don’t have it in me.

I had something similar while pregnant with the munchkin, except I went inward and started living in my fantasy world. Nothing was real to me, not really. I remember waking up one day, I was around 8 months, and I was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS COMING OUT OF ME. It’s like I hadn’t truly thought of it before. I felt connected with him, but it took a while, I can’t remember how long exactly. Maybe this will change and one day it will hit me that I’m pregnant, that this is real and there is a life growing inside me. I want that day to be here. I want to feel that, I want that glow, that stupid goofy smile, ALL OF IT. I want to be crying tears of joy, not mind numbing pain.

Happy Mother's Day to me.

This morning I woke up early and peed in a cup. What a beautiful way to start Mother’s Day? I didn’t think I’d see a positive; I have been feeling ickly but didn’t truly believe I was right. I didn’t have that for sure knocked up feeling like I have gotten in the past. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still dealing with two miscarriages or I’m in denial that we’ve done it again. This makes pregnancy #5, and each time was a first try success. Awesome. When the test said positive, I just couldn’t believe it. Hubby was still asleep when I finally left the bathroom after looking at the test for a good 10 minutes. I woke him up by whispering I’m pregnant in his ear. We cuddled for a bit then he went back to sleep but I was too buzzed to, I got up and sipped coffee while I played my new addiction: Sudoku. Everything was quiet, still and just beautiful. I still don’t quite believe it, although I have the picture and hubby to prove that the test was positive. I keep pulling the picture up on my laptop and gazing at it. I’m thinking of printing off multiple copies and hanging them up randomly through the house so every where I turn it will be there. Maybe that will help my obsession with it….and convince me it’s real.

I’m trying very hard not to get my hopes up, but it’s so hard. It’s extra hard because I’m due around my grandma’s birthday. That woman is my idol and to have a baby on or near her birthday would be beyond amazing. And if it’s a girl…wow is all I can say.

Finding out I’m pregnant on Mother’s Day – priceless.

Pink or blue?

So many things have happened over the past few weeks, I haven’t had a clue where to start. I kept thinking tomorrow I’ll post, and tomorrow would mean something new to distract me, something new to add to the list of what’s running around my head. I picked the most important one, the most frustrating one, and the most exciting one. A baby.

I switched happy pills in November and within a few weeks I HAD TO HAVE A BABY. Not this oh I think we could try again feeling. No it was I want to be pregnant like now….like now….LIKE FUCKING NOW! Then I had to switch meds again because those weren’t baby friendly, and once those kicked in we started trying. First time, the boys hit their target. I knew within a few days of trying that I was pregnant. It was the weirdest thing, because I just knew, there was no doubt in my mind that I was knocked up. Then I took the test and was totally surprised even though I already knew. How does that happen? Not sure but I was jumping up and down squealing in my bathroom just the same. Three days later it ended. I had what they call a chemical pregnancy. I was pregnant long enough to get a positive but my body absorbed it within a few days. Hubby and I both prepared for the abyss but it never came. We’re both sad about it, I don’t know how we couldn’t be, but I’m not having an episode and we’re excited to keep trying.

It is strange to go from being terrified of having another baby to NEEDING to have another baby. It hit me all at once, while we were loading the munchkin in the car and I thought “I want another one. I want to be pregnant”. It was so out of the blue that I just sat there in the car for a few minutes in silence. Then I looked over at Hubby and told him, he laughed then gave me a look of surprise. He didn’t believe me at first, but when he saw that I had bedding, gear and toys already picked out within a few days I think he got the point. I found out that he has wanted another one since the munchkin was born but he never mentioned it because of my fear. I feel horrible that he’s wanted one for so long and my fear has held us back. But I’m more than thrilled to know that he’s just as antsy to have another one as I am.