Saying another goodbye

Just a few days ago I lost my Uncle Gene.  I'm still in shock and disbelief.  He was 79, relatively healthy, until one thing after another snowballed and well now he's gone.  

I don't care how old you are or how old the person is, losing someone is an emotional hell.

So far I'm ok though.  I feel sad and that utterly lost feeling I always get when a death has occurred, but I'm ok.  Tomorrow I probably won't be anymore...funerals always do me in.

I keep thinking that if he could, Uncle Gene would smack me upside the head for being said or even thinking about becoming sad.  That's not how he worked.  He was goofy, ornery and someone that you wanted to hang out with.

Did you know that he's the reason I have a fear of heights? LOL true story.  See he was 6'3 or thereabouts and one of his favorite past times was putting me, who clearly took after my dad's side of the family by being really short, on top of things for giggles.  Like the refrigerator.  Or the top of the kitchen cabinets some 10 feet in the air.  Which to a child of 4 was like 300 feet.  He'd put me there then tell me to jump, that he'd catch me.  I knew he would, he always did.  He'd stare up at me with this ornery grin, while I was terrified and thinking that if I was just a bit bigger, I'd kick his butt for tormenting me.  Don't think I hid from him whenever he came to visit, oh no, I gravitated toward this tall, funny man, just like everyone else did.  I enjoyed his ornery side, even if he did scare me sometimes.

That is my all time favorite memory of him.  I have many more, but I won't share them.  Needless to say, when I think back to when I was little, I think of that man in the picture.  I think of all the jokes he told, all the stories he told, all the holidays of trying to sneak a picture of him sleeping on the couch before he caught me. There are so many memories of him...

Uncle Gene, I miss you already.  I miss talking history with you.  I miss your jokes and laughter.  I will miss you calling the turkeys and not being able to tell the difference between you and them.  No one can sound like a turkey, quite like you did.  I will miss your burned green beans (the only way I ever cook them thanks to you).  I will miss hearing you say asspagrass for asparagus.  I miss fishing with you.  I miss riding around your farm, driving over huge piles of giant mulch and through the blueberries in your Mule (or whatever it was; some sort of supped up golf cart is the only way I can explain it).  I could list everything, but I just miss you.  I will forever miss you.  I love knowing that you and I were a lot alike, and I will always treasure that. You weren't just Mama's big brother, you were a big brother to us all.  Please take care of Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Merle, Uncle Troy and the babies for me ok?  Tell them all hi, that I miss them something fierce and they are always, always on my mind.

I love you,

Where I walk...alone...with my daughter...omg

About 9am this morning I had the idea of going for a walk with Jocelyn.  Alone.  This isn't done.  Like ever.

I sat and worried and paced and chewed my nails until 11:45 when I finally told myself I'm going.  I am going and it will be fine.

Took me another 15 minutes to get myself out the door. Finally, I loaded her up in our stroller, or scooter as she calls it, and out the door we went.

Love my ensemble?  I was rocking the nerdy, pale white girl workout gear big time.  I own nothing to work out in.  Well not really, I own a pair of sweats, and a too small sports bra...but the sweats are my pj's...the sports bra is my hat for my naked rain dances.

We walked around the block one time.

I could have done another lap or three, maybe,  it's 85 and the only thing saving us was the wind plus I'm wearing new sneakers and they do not help my shins like the Sketchers Shape-ups do OMG NO, but I stopped with one.

That was my goal.  Just once, survive the trip without any accidents or issues, or the world ending, and try again tomorrow.

It's beautiful out there.  Bright, sunny, flowers everywhere and on one spot there is this giant willow esk tree that hangs over the fence.

It's like walking through a mystical, magical tunnel where faeries live.

Even Jocelyn had to admire the tree.

Or for me anyway, I'm a sucker for trees and shady spots.  Makes my heart go pitter patter.  And my imagination throw a party.

As usual, once I get into the act, I'm fine.  The anxiety that was eating at me all morning just went away a few feet into the walk.  That's when I noticed how beautiful it was outside, slightly hot and sticky humid, but beautiful.  I looked at the neighbors flowers, wish I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the trees...again wished I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the fluffy white clouds in the bright blue sky, thought I saw a penis and a giant turtle.

I focused on all that and NOT on what I was doing and it was fun.

I want to do it again tomorrow.  I want to make this a daily thing, more than once a day.  Get my ass out there damnit!  Get some of this flubber off!

Of course I can say that now...come July when it's 105 and so humid you can't breathe and are covered in sweat the second you step out the door, I will probably be barricading us all inside to protect us from the burning fire of hell that's out there.



P.S. Forgive the not so great shots, they are iphone pictures, what can you expect!
P.S.S...my photoshop skills suck too.

Big girl panties

I've said this many times, and I am not exaggerating, that every time we visit my family I have to explain to them AGAIN how my OCD and anxiety (or depression) works.  It's like they expect the definition to change or me to suddenly stand up and say 'haha I was just joking, I'm really normal'.

Do you know how exhausting it is?  To explain yourself to your family, those who are supposed to understand you like no one else can, every time you see them how your brain does not function due to a mental illness?

Or how painful it is to hear them say things like 'You just don't do it Nikki.  You just don't think like that.  It's that simple' or 'If you just tried to not to have those thoughts, you wouldn't.' or what I got this Sunday 'You just put your big girl panties on and do it.' with a sarcastic laugh.

Or to know that they are at their worst when Bo is not in the room.  Because they know that then I have no one to stand on my side.

They have no clue.  They don't listen.  They don't even try to understand.  And that hurts.  That tears me up inside to know that these people who are my blood, think I'm just being a big baby, or faking it, or wanting attention. Even after all this time.  They still think that the OCD and anxiety is all a lie.

How loved that makes me feel.

Especially knowing that it doesn't matter what I say or do, even if they read this post, they don't get it, they never will and they will always put me down for this.  And if they do read this, it's my fault and I'm making them look like bad guys.

The worst part isn't the fact that I've been dealing with this since I was 5 or that I will for the rest of my life, but that my niece has ADHD and seizures that affect her brain, making her slow at understanding things or processing information, is being treated the same, and worse, and no one is standing up for her.  Even when I do it, it's ignored. She's only 12! That breaks my heart because I get it, I put up with that crap too.  And I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Her face drops, her mood plummets and its all right there on her face how much it hurts her yet the jokes and laughter and anger continues as if she has no feelings.

I was told I was being silly yesterday because I don't do well when Bo is away on a business trip, which thankfully happens once a year maybe twice.  One of my sisters has a husband who drives a semi, so he's gone anywhere from 4 to 7 days all the time.  She was married before and was single for a couple of years, she's learned to do things on her own and be alone.  When I said I didn't know how she did it, I fall apart when Bo isn't here, her words were 'Well you just put your big girl panties on a do it Nikki' with a laugh that clearly said I'm being stupid.  And that's when I had to do it all over again and when both sisters kept laughing at me and kept saying the stupid phrase about big girl panties I got pissed.  I said 'you don't have any idea what you are talking about or what it's like to have OCD and anxiety'....you know what I got? 'No I don't' with laughter and some other words that I didn't understand between the two of them.  But I can guess.

I don't want anyone to suffer with a mental illness, or hell any illness or disease really, but for a day maybe two, I'd like them to feel what I, or my niece, feels on a daily basis.  Because maybe then they'd get it and stop being such assholes.  They'd see just how stupid they are acting and being by not believing in these issues and how with each insult and 'joke' our respect and love for them dies.  Well for my niece anyway, they've butchered and murdered all my feelings.

He's like my teddy bear and stuff

Today is day one of Bo's vacation.

We have so much jam packed into these 5 days it's not much of a rest but what can you do?

I woke up today thinking I was nuts for setting my eye appointment for 9am, who does that?  Certainly not me, who is NOT a morning person.

Oh yeah wait I did.  Cause I hate myself apparently.

I wanted to cuddle with him.  To kiss him.  To get all smoochy smoochy, steamy with morning breath under the covers.

Not sure if you are aware of this, but that shit, right there, is love.  Kissing someone who's breath smells like a cat done crawled inside their mouth and died, and knowing yours is just as bad if not worse.  That's a toxic combo my friends.  If you are willing to test fate by kissing with these two bombs, that's love.  Love in all it's messy glory.

I wanted to get all down and dirty.  Not like we could but I wanted to fake it for a while.  Get that heat a pumping through me so that while I waited for my name to be called I had something to think about.  His hands.  Those lips....those hands....that...yeah you get the point.

Except that was not in the cards and I will not lie, I wasn't happy.  At first.  The munchkins came to my attention, sounding as if they were tearing down the kitchen cabinets.  I came jiggling into the kitchen ready to snarl and bite and chew them a new one when Bailey says 'We wanted juice but there were no cold ones.  So I put some in the fridge.  See?'  all proud as if he'd just climbed Mt. Everest.  He's sickly with a fever that is playing peekaboo right now.  And he's all smiles because look Mama, I put juice in the fridge!

I wish I didn't have appointments today, I wish I could just stay home and chill with these weirdly wonderful people that is my family.  All mine.  I wanna get in a big dog pile and just breath them in.


Have I mentioned having Bo home is like crack for me?  I swear my moods go from one end of the spectrum to the other with him in the room.  I'm all crazy wired, energetic, and upbeat today.  While yesterday I had been all down and dumpy...

Today

Today I gazed out my window of my office...ok fine it's the dining room...as I took a break from blog surfing and gazing at books, which is my porn you know.  I thought I need to snap some shots, to show how my day looked.  


You are curious to know what I do all day.

Just admit it.  

My view's not so bad right?  Rural neighborhood in a small-ish town that is growing extremely fast. The other views included the polar bear and his mammoth sized poo piles...figured you'd prefer these shots instead.

And my company, well they freaking rock.

Look at that face!  Those cheeker weekers!  Don't you want to just nibble and eat her up?

She and I have had a boring time of it lately.  These past few weeks have not been the best, emotional and energy wise for me.  But things are getting better...the more sleep I get.

Which reminds me, thank you oh great dr. who prescribed Bo sleeping pills.  You deserve a kiss with tongue my good man.

  

She's too busy eating her Nutella and fossils (aka pretzels) to care that there's a camera.  She's my kinda target.

Each day I feel a little more like a human.  It's kinda weird let me tell you.  But at least I can take these moments and enjoy them instead of letting them pass me by.

And when little man got home I attacked him with the camera.  He's the kid that poses the second he sees a camera and smiles so crazy like you wonder how his cheeks don't burst from his face.  I had to tell him NOT to pose, to be normal.  Look at his book and just let me take a picture or 20.  

This made him nervous, and I saw myself and my dad come out in him.  He doesn't chuckle and stiffen up like my dad does.  Or say over and over 'I HATE pictures.  Please don't take a picture of me' like I do.

But when I say give me a bit of a smile, there's that pose again, there's that smile, and he gets all fidgety as if he's trying to hang onto a million monkeys.

Everything else about my day doesn't matter.  You don't need pictures of me lying on the couch in a fetal position hoping the Tylenol kicks in soon.  Or of my hair that's half ass in a pony tail and my look of 'don't fuck with me or you will lose a body part'.  Believe me.  These two munchkins, they matter.  They are part of why I get up in the mornings and keep trying to overcome my issues.  They are why I smile and why I laugh and have fun.

Well that and their daddy, who will get his own camera attack momentarily. 

Neener Neener and some sushi

Blogger was being a dillhole, this was supposed to post yesterday...Blogger don't make me get out my club again...

Dear Family, I am about to open a can on you people.  Or poke you with a stick trying to figure you all out...haven't decided yet.

My first grade teacher recognized me today!

Read that again, cuz.  FIRST GRADE TEACHER RECOGNIZED ME! 

Now lets put all the components in shall we?

This woman hasn't seen me in years, like 5+ years, I'm not even sure that's correct cause I don't think we've seen her since we've had kids.  But I cannot remember.

Some of YOU saw me just last year, in WALMART shopping, we chatted, and talked and oh yeah I had red hair then too.  Yet you didn't recognize me in January...

You have known me since birth, saw me all the time, weekends, holidays, random Sundays eating Grandma's fried chicken and booger soup.

She saw me in the halls of elementary school for a few years in the midst of a bunch of other crib midgets.

We are blood.

She knows me as a student.

Now explain to me how she knew who I was and you didn't?

I've been on this all funky high ever since.  I saw my 1st grade teacher today who not only recognized me after all these years, but she told me I was and still am her favorite.  Now this is one crazy nice lady, so I'm sure I'm not the only one she has said this to.  But I will hang on to it anyway, call it mine and hold on to it on rainy nights like my teddy bear.  Because at least one teacher of mine remembers me and she calls me her favorite.  Bitch I'm cross stitching this on a something and hanging it on my damn wall.

We also celebrated Bo's grandma's 94th birthday...can you imagine? Ninety-four years?!  Insane.  We got to see all sorts of relatives today and I got to play 'pick on my father-n-law'.  Which is sort of a favorite game of mine.

And to top it off, I have fun (but thankfully on the weak side) food poisoning, we decided to make it worse by eating at a new Chinese/Japanese/steak joint in town.  I tried some sushi, cause apparently I really hate myself today.  I had two before my throat went all 'I am about to press that big red emergency button that says evacuate that shit out'.  Dinner was expensive, and unsatisfying and now my stomach is laughing at me, twisting and turning and speaking to me in what sounds like whale speak.

Stomping some toes

Before I jump on my soapbox, just remember I don't expect you to instantly convert to my opinion.  It is mine, and mine alone, and if you agree great, if not great I will still love ya.  This is not intended to hurt anyone's feelings or piss anyone off, just me stating my feelings over something that kinda bugs me.  Now on to the show...

A local news station posted an article on facebook this morning, the title says 'Interracial Marriages hits new high in US'...Ummm wait a sec, wasn't the US created by immigrants and welcomes them still?  That kinda means there's a few interracial marriages going on here.  HELLLOOOOO.

But wait, I'm confused.  Is anyone 'pure blood' anymore?  Especially here in the US?  I mean I'm Cherokee and Choctaw Indian (or Native American or American Indian for those PC peeps, I will forever be an Indian, sorry), I'm also Irish and possibly Scottish and German.  Bo is Cherokee Indian as well and other roots we have yet to pin down...technically that makes us an interracial couple, am I wrong?  But no one has ever gotten up in our face about it, nor have we ever heard anyone whisper 'oh those two, it's interracial you know, that's just wrong'.  How come folks like us slide under the radar, when we are no different than any other 'interracial' couple out there?  Oh I know why... ~insert MASSIVE eye roll here~

Anyone else get diarrhea over hypocrisy?

I could go on and on and ON about this topic, but I won't.  I'm not doing this to stir some chaos, I'm doing this because I truly do not get it.  No one is 'pure blood' around here anymore, hell even the Royal family isn't 100% Brittish.  Queen Elizabeth II is Armenian, Arab, British, Chinese, Cuman, French, German, Greek, Hungarian, Italian, Monegasque, Norwegian, Old Prussian, Portuguese, Romanian, Russian, Serbian, Spanis, Swedish, and Yugoslavian...didn't know that did ya (wiki it, you'll see)??  And aren't the Royal family known for their pure blue, royal blood line....hmmmm.

I wouldn't be here if there wasn't some interracial nooky going on, neither would my parents or theirs, or Bo and his and so on and so forth.  So I don't see what the big deal is.  Let it go.  We don't need a stupid survey to state the absolute obvious that has been going on since the beginning of time.  It kinda happens when one country invades and takes over another.  Duh.  It kinda happens when people immigrate to one country.  Duh.

Not to mention, in my opinion, if you bitch about it, you are kind a bitching about your own existence, unless you are a rare person with 100% heritage.

Stepping down now.

The day after

We walk into the living room this morning and every single balloon is on the floor (we always get one of those box 'o balloon things of like 250 balloons and helium).  The table still has her Princess table cloth on it.  There are cake crumbles all over the tables, and floors.  My clean tables and floors...sigh.  Wrapping paper was crammed into a pile near the fire place, the cat needed a bed apparently (the cat did this, not the kids).  And my nephews walker is covered in cracker crumbs and cake and ice cream splatters.

I'm sure your wondering why we didn't clean this up last night.  Well we did clean up, we threw away the plates and cups, put up all the snacks, etc.  But then our bodies went OMFG stop, stop right now I cannot do any more, we are going to plop down on that couch right there and STAY THE FUCK PUT UNTIL BEDTIME!  And so we did.

The kids refused to put themselves to bed.  The audacity.

So in the dark, rainy light of today, the mess awaits me.  It's not a big mess, I don't have piles of dishes to worry about or anything else really to distract me.  Which means I'm not going 'well if I clean this, that doesn't get cleaned' over and over until I can't breath and my fingers are all tingly.  I can breathe and I can see where to go/start.  It's nice.

Oh and the party, there was 5 kids under the age of 6, 4 of those being boys, three of them mobile, my parents, his parents, his brother and his wife, were all in the house.  And I survived it.  I was not stressed or anxious or overwhelmed by the noise and all the bodies in my house.  Nope, not even for a second.  It wasn't until after they all left that I was like huh what do you know.  I think it's the house, the size and how it's laid out.  Even with everyone in the dining room and living room, they are connected without much of a wall separating them, it didn't feel claustrophobic at all.

Show of hands??  Yup I made it to the other side whole and intact.  And oddly enough with energy today.

Stay tuned...

Party Prep Day 1

Goals
Clean under couches and cushions
Pick up laundry in all bedrooms

Yesterday I felt pretty icky, the list was short and sweet on purpose.  Then I waited until after Bailey came home from school to start them, which was a BAD idea, and I know better.  It was a struggle to do what I did, so let's just be proud shall we?


I had planned on taking pictures of our Couch Treasure Hunt, except there were no batteries in my camera and none to be found in the junk drawer.  Don't you hate that?  We found two shoes, both mine, one was a flip flop and one was a pink croc (which I only bought like 2 yaars ago while on vacation and haven't worn them since and I'm damn near positive I threw them away when we moved), I think a certain ankle biter was stealing my shoes again. We also found: string cheese wrappers, 2 book marks, 4 pens, 100 lincoln logs, toy car parts, 4 bouncy balls,a Pepsi bottle and a bill...


I was so excited last week to see that Mt. Washmore was about 2 loads maaaybe 3 loads away from being caught up for the first time since like 2005.  And now I'm sad to say, after picking up all the laundry in our rooms and closets that's not the case anymore.  I have two full/over flowing dirty laundry baskets...I wanna cry.

Day 1 down.  Day 2, bring it on.

Not a joke, I promise

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing.  Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house.  And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean.  It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices.  I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have.  I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready.  I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself.  Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it.  It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

Waving a finger at 2011

It's Tuesday, January 3, and the holidays and 2011 are officially over!!! HOT DAMN!!!

Did you survive?

Did you start a new hobby to help you manage the stress...like drinking?

Mine is curling myself up in a fetal position and singing the Backyardigans theme song before I go to bed.  It's quite calming.

I woke up this morning and was like aaaahhhh life is about to go back to normal now.  Bo went back to work today, Bailey goes back to school tomorrow and I'll be left alone with Squirley the screwnugget all day trying desperately to get/keep my house clean.  Although I'm looking around now and realizing, I have been cleaning a lot over the past week and the house looks way better.  Merry Christmas to me!

2011 was a rough year for me emotionally.  It was a full year that I was not on happy pills and let me just say OMFG I understand why those little bastards were invented.  If I liked the dazed and confused feeling they give me I'd get back on those suckers right now.  But I'm still iffy on them, and still wanting to do this on my own.  Who knows I may stop being stubborn in 2012 and take them again.  It was the year Jocelyn completely confirmed my suspicions that she really is a flying by the seat of her pants kinda girl.   She ate toothpaste, vitamins, and any piece of food she found on the floor.  Anything is her sucker, including toy hammers and hangers.  She's a sneaky, mouthy, dominating klepto.  WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE BUNGHOLE is our new slogan.  It was the year Bailey's attitude/emotions/anger seemed to blow up suddenly into something we had never witnessed before and was frightening coming out of a 6 year old.  Thankfully we were able to beat him into submission, which I plan on sharing tips with you now that I know it works.  It involves duct tape and laffy taffy, it's totally legit.  Oh please shut your pie hole, it's actually a rather clever book that really has changed things.  2011 was the year I became a great aunt, and I'm now known as Auntie Niknak...no one has jumped on the bandwagon yet but I'm persistent, it will happen damnit.  There's more, but it's early, the coffee hasn't kicked in so I'm moving on.

To say I'm glad 2011 is over is sugar coating things.  I'm fucking thrilled.  The above paragraph may seem bright and shiny but honestly, it wasn't.  I was stressed out, depressed, OCD'ing like a crankwhore, and all around screwed up last year.  I saved you all the trouble of having to read about it too often...you are very welcome.  And now instead of reliving those bad moments, I'd rather be funny.  Laughter is much easier to hear than crying.  My hopes for 2012 is that all things get under control, or at least more manageable than they were last year.

I'm leaving you with a song.  It's inspiring.  It's poignant.


What?!  Were you expecting something serious?  You really don't know me.....

What a day...

I got news this morning that one of my uncles passed away, it was cancer.

My first thought was for my aunt, my Mama's sister, and all their kids, grandkids  and great grandkids.  How hard today is for all of them and how there's nothing I can do.  A hug and an apology doesn't really help on days like today.  My heart goes out to them anyway, losing a family member is tough, when it's a parent it's crippling.

My next thought was that I barely knew this man and considering he was on the side of the family that spent holidays together and weekend gatherings and yearly reunions, that's crazy.  I saw him a lot growing up and yet I don't know him well.  He was a quiet man for the most part, he and my dad would set and talk but I don't remember ever having many conversations with him myself.  He was cooky and quiet my Uncle Troy, or at least that's how I remember him.  I may not have known him enough but he was my uncle, and I still love him and will miss him.

Then my cousin pointed something out that well I'm still in shock over.  Twelve years ago my grandma died on this day, my uncle (her son) died almost to the hour one year later.  Now it's Uncle Troy.  On top of that it's my aunt's birthday, who was married to my uncle who passed 11 years ago AND it's my oldest sister's birthday...what are the odds?

When Uncle Merle died we all said Grandma just wanted him home with her.  Maybe they were lonely and wanted Troy with them too..;).

This song was one of Grandma's favorites, she used to say that Vince Gill was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen and heard.  It makes me think of you Grandma, Merle and now you Troy, every time I hear it.


Goodbye Uncle Troy, you were and still are loved by those who knew you and you will be missed. 

Just in case your curious

I survived my first official Turkey Day dinner.

Ok technically there was no turkey on our table but still.

I purposefully spaced things out so I wasn't cooking everything at the same time.  If I'm too distracted, everything burns or I miss or over or under measure ingredients.  I started at 9am, we ate about 6, and that was way harder than I ever thought possible.  I kept the sides minimal and made sure everything was fairly easy, but three things were time consuming and involved lots of cooling ingredients in between cooking.  I have to say, I'm terrified of hosting a real Thanksgiving or Christmas at my house.  That was just for us and I was stressed out.  I don't want to think of doing that for 20+ people....eeeesh.

We now have a fridge full of tasty goodness that will last us all weekend.  I am beyond thrilled that I don't have to cook any time soon.

I hope everyone had a safe and fabulous Thanksgiving!

Only a week to plan, yeah I can do that....maybe

Why don't we have Thanksgiving at our house this year? - Bo asked me this morning as he was marking stuff on the calendar...

Wait what?!?!

This year seems to be an off year in our family concerning holidays.  Normally we go to 3 or 4 houses in 1 to 2 days, it's chaotic and so so stressful.  But this year everyone has new plans and we'll only be attending his mom's.  I find this normal, as that's the number of houses I visited each holiday growing up, but for Bo this is strange and a bit sad.

I get it, in fact I understand why he wants to have our own this year and am totally up for it.  I however can't help the sinking feeling of OMG I have never done anything like this before...can I even pull it off?

There's only 4 of us, and I know I don't have to go all out and make 20 sides and 10 pies/cakes.  But what's Thanksgiving without traditional sides?  Why bother calling it that if you don't have the familiar 'faces', you know?  At least we'll have enough food to last us all week...

I have a feeling that the giant, almost full bottle of Vodka in the freezer is going to finally be gone.

This is TOO close to home

I will not give out my location for this, I know I know I'm not a super star and need to keep my local on the down low but excuse me if I'd rather share blow job stories than my address.

This morning at the PreK and Kindergarten Elementary school in town, where two of our nephews attend I might add, white powder was found in an envelope that was mailed to the school!  So far no word yet on if it's serious or just a prank, but this isn't the first time this has happened.  Yesterday two places in town had the same thing happen and before that two separate places in neighboring towns had it happen.  No connection has been found yet, no word has even been given on what the powder was at the other places other than it's a household substance.

This is seriously wrong and dangerous, I don't give a flying fuck if it's baby powder, this is not funny.  You don't do this to businesses and you sure as hell do not do this to schools where innocent children are.  The school couldn't even call the parents to come get their kids because they had to evacuate as soon as it was found.  Thankfully a local news station posted an article on Facebook so some parents are aware of what has happened and has picked up their kids.  Right now everyone is just waiting to hear any news.

A part of me wants to get Bailey out of school, even though I know that's being drastic but this scares me and it's scaring this whole town.  I hope they find out who is behind this ASAP and put them behind bars or in a padded room because this is fucking crazy!  This person cannot be sane.

Parenting tricks

We've talked over and over about things we can change in how we interact with Bailey and how to discipline him, I've even purchased books to help.  One book in particular hasn't given us much help, the other two I just bought last night so we still have hope for them.  There's two things we've tried so far and have actually noticed a change, and I thought I'd share just in case anyone out there is having similar issues with their munchkin.

1 - Every day I ask the kids to help me do something.  Jocelyn is a so a 2 year old, she'd rather play or empty out the bin we just filled with toys, plus she's seen her brother throw fits over cleaning and she thinks that's normal.  There are times we make it a game (see who can pick up the most toys before the timer goes off) and it works, other times neither could care less.  It's always hit and miss, but I refuse to let it go because they need responsibility.  Last week Bailey did his typical fit of 'NO I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN NOOO!', I told him he either picked up the 6 items or he'd clean something I chose.  When he didn't clean up the toys I said he got to clean the toilet.  Now I admit I made it worse by laughing and saying how happy I was that I wasn't doing it and there was lots of dripping sarcasm, but I was piffed and my attitude slipped out.  He didn't like it, but he cleaned it, and ever since if I say let's clean up our toys he does it without much of a fight.  In fact I can't tell you how many times I said that we'd start cleaning at a specific time because I had something to do first, and he'd start cleaning without me.  It hit me last night that he's been doing that ever since he cleaned the toilet.  Who would have thought!?!?!  So now it's either he cleans what I ask him to or I choose something.  Either way he gets his job done, he gets praise for helping and I get to check off one less thing on my to do list.

2 - Ignore the bitch.  Now I don't believe in ignoring the kids bad behavior, because it should be addressed and it should have repercussions, however sometimes ignoring can do you some good.  One of the things he does is he continues a fight for as long as he can.  For instance in time out he sits and screams and says mean things to me, and the more he does it the longer the fit and his anger lasts.  Most of the time I ignore him completely and just remind him ever so often in a calm voice that time out will not start until he is quiet.  Well that's not exactly how Super Nanny says to do things, but excuse me if my son says he didn't do anything wrong and it's my fault he just kicked the cat you bet your biscuits I'm going to put the smack down. Except what we've done is taken what he was initially in time out for and added on other things, making it a timeout for everything instead of one thing.  We talked about this the other day and how its obvious that sometimes he eggs things on for extra attention, and those times we should just ignore it.  We tested it out when he threw a fit over something (totally can't remember now they are all one blur at the moment) and instead of rising to his scream of no he wasn't going to or whatever it was, we didn't comment on it at all.  Instead of him screaming and whining/fake crying for 30 minutes, he didn't last but a minute or two before he stopped completely.  HOT DAMN!  This means that in time out we ignore him when he tries to make things worse, no matter what he says or does, we ignore him.  And to make sure he is given the least amount of ammo, he's now sitting in the corner on the floor with his back to us instead of on the rocking chair where he can see us and can rock himself into the wall.  Anytime he screams out in anger trying to keep the fight going, we are ignoring him.

This is not to say he's improved so much he's a new kid, not hardly.  But we've seen a few changes and a few instances of this working, and that is far better results than what we were doing.

Found an answer

It's looking as if Bailey is a strong willed child.  On one hand thanks to all things holy it wasn't 'bad parenting skills' that was the culprit.  Other hand, shiiiiat this is hard because we have to parent differently.

We thought he was getting better and we were getting better at handling his outbursts.  Then Tuesday came along and I got a call from the councilor.  No he wasn't doing better, he was the same but that day he was worse.  Like way worse.  Like sent to the principal twice, got taken around the school to observe how to act in class and then ended up in detention worse.

My 6 year old.

My first instinct was of course anger.  I'm doing what they say.  Every morning and evening it's the exact same routine, he knows the goal and he knows what's expected of him.  But that doesn't matter, it's still a fight with lots of yelling and screaming.  Before shopping trips or going out for dinner, we explain the rules and what's expected of him/them.  Doesn't always matter, he still makes it difficult up until we are in the store/restaurant.  If we say 'you do this one more time and you will be punished by blah' and he does it again we follow through with it.  We don't give in to his whining.  We don't shower him with toys and candy to make him mind.  ETC.  And we have from the beginning.  According to the experts this is a huge tool and one that will give kids stability and help with behavior.  But Bailey, he wants to do what he wants, when he wants and doesn't care what you ask of him, punishment only lasts so long and he knows it.  The experts need to come to my house for a few days, ha.

It just so happened that on Tuesday night there was a parent's workshop at his school and we moved heaven and earth to get there on time.  The first workshop we attended, they had many to choose from, was about family routines.  We aced it, the only thing we came away with was on times he drags his feet to set a timer, everything else we do and always have.  Who said we don't have routines down in this house...oh me yeah well now I know differently.  Oh that and he has far too much free time, and should earn it not get it naturally, but we already knew that. The second session we chose was for behavior.  The lady went through all the you set the rules, you don't bend the rules and you always follow through with punishment stuff.  So I piped up, what happens if you do that and always have but your child, who at one time responded to it, no longer does.  She asked me a few questions and I explained how no matter what the punishment is or how consistent we are with rules and punishments, he continues to scream and yell and fight us on things because he'd rather be doing something else. She referred me to books on strong willed children and said that would be very helpful to me, that it sounds like that is the problem which means our parenting isn't bad, it just doesn't mesh with a strong willed child.

She felt bad enough that she gave me a very tight and long hug after the session was over and made sure I understood it's not our fault, and it's not his fault either and we are not alone.  I like that little ol lady, I asked if I could keep her and she said no.  Bummer.

I've got one of the books she recommended on my Kindle, I've read like 10 pages so far and so far I haven't learned anything really.  But at least now we have a direction to go in, and if this book or the other books she told us about doesn't work, we can look in a new direction.  It's better than nothing.

Her father the super hero

This morning while changing her diaper, Jocelyn told me a story that went a little something like this:

Mama I saw the moon upstairs (she means in the sky)

You did?

Uh huh and I need my wings so I can go get it.

Do you have wings?

Uh huh.  I have wings like Tinkerbell.  I put them on and fly to the moon and get it.  It's my moon.

Hmm you will need to practice that sugar.  That's a long trip.

Daddy can do it.  Daddy is a super hero and he can fly and get the moon for me.

Daddy is a super hero?  Hmm that makes sense.

Yes.  Daddy is a super hero.  I'm little but I can make it too.

You are little but you can make it to the moon too?

Uh huh cause Daddy and I can fly to the moon.

Stupidity is such a bore

I had a conversation with someone the other day that just infuriates me.  He's an ass, plain and simple, and he thinks that makes him funny.  Wrong, it makes you a dick, but you'll never realize it or even be man enough to admit it.  But I digress.  He basically told me that all my issues are all in my head and I just need to do it and stop whining, because my problems don't even exist.  Don't exist huh?  I told him well aint that just sweet, must be nice to never have experienced such difficult things to even know what you are talking about.  He talked over me of course.  I gave up, you can't teach stupid, closed minded people.  He'll always be a dick, he'll always think I'm just being a baby, and that's fine with me.  I'd rather surround myself with people who actually have a clue vs. someone who's a dick.

It's people like him, saying the shit he does, that put more pressure on being normal.  I try hard, but I always come up short and then there are far too many people like him who think depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, and many other mental illness's don't exist and we're just lazy and difficult or drama queens.  It's no wonder his child acts the way she does, he think she's stupid and difficult instead of someone who needs extra help dealing with emotions.

But it's also people like him that inspire me to NOT be like that.  Bailey has problems with his emotions, I mean the terd bucket starts crying when his food touches sometimes or if he's trying to get a bouncy ball to be still and hold up a book.  I may not understand it and it may annoy the bajeezus out of me but he can't help it.  And instead of yelling or telling him he's being a baby, I need to get in there and talk him through it.   Instead of telling him to suck it up and be a man, I need to get on his level and see what happens.  It's hard, REALLY hard in the moment when it's like really come on this is not something to cry over.  How hard is it for him though?  How hard was it for me when I was puking my breakfast up minutes before we left to go shopping because I was having a panic attack, and my parents yelled and punished and told me I was being silly?  Hard and lonely.

The dick can keep his 'knowledge' of emotional issues, because at least I can say I'm trying to understand my child and help him, and I'm not telling him to shut up every time he talks or that he's driving me insane because he's being stupid.  Can he say that?