Simple

Simplicity is what I need.

I tend to OCD things to death and turn them into things the size of Texas.  Which stresses me out.  Get's my anxiety going in high gear.  And leaves me standing at the end of the day with nothing accomplished.

Last week I was determined not to do this.  I needed a week of stress free cleaning and it wasn't exactly easy, with all the distractions and days of little to nothing done, but I managed to keep going anyway.  I made sure my lists were small.  That I stayed clear of my master list unless I needed it.  I focused on what I needed to do that day only.  Of course I also didn't do my routines, so the dishes piled up quickly and so did the laundry.

This week I'm using what I did last week and improving it.  You see I focused on the decluttering and forgot everything else, right down to reading the book for Literary Escapism.  I struggled with dinner because OMG it wasn't on my list and we ended up eating out way too much. That's OCD for ya.

My lists are going to remain small, 5 items only a day, plus my three recurring daily tasks.  But I'm going to make sure I include things like clipping coupons, reading my book, entering in author tour dates for LE, my own writing, research etc.  It's something I've said many times that I need to do, but I never put these things on my list.   Not sure why I skipped over it and hoped I would just remember and do it.  I don't work like that, I know this...

Simplicity and focus.  That's what I'm working on this week.  And if this week turns into a month, so be it.  I am getting no where in my life doing things the old way.  I'm not teaching my kids good habits.  I'm teaching them to procrastinate.  That stress is normal.  They have no responsibilities really, to build confidence and self worth.  And I really don't want them to turn into me when they grow up.  Spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do, where to go and what I want.  OCD isn't the entire problem...

Not a joke, I promise

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing.  Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house.  And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean.  It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices.  I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have.  I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready.  I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself.  Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it.  It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

My dream day would include a pin, paper and Henry Cavill wearing nothing but a smile and standing front of me...

I am not in the mood to read.  Not one itsy bitsy bit.  I have two books I'm supposed to be reading, and blogs I haven't even looked at in weeks.  And yet, any time I try no matter if it's a book, blog or a recipe, the words get lost somewhere in my brain and all I retain is gibberish.  Picture the teacher from Peanuts in her 'whack whack' language.  That's exactly what I hear/read.

I think the problem is I haven't been writing enough, so whenever I sit down to write I think of all the other things I need to do.  I need to clean the house, take care of Jocelyn and Bailey, fix dinner, and read/review books, etc.  I do goof off on Facebook FAR too much, but for the most part my day is covered on things I need to do that involve the happiness of other people.  Because if I do start writing, I go off in Nikki Land and don't return until someone knocks me on my butt.  I think...going out on a limb here, cause I've never thought this before....that one of the reasons I'm so scattered with my daily tasks and getting things accomplished is I still haven't mastered putting me in my day.  I've stopped taking my night off for one thing.  It started with Bo being sick and I had to take care of the kids, to me being sick and then things started happening on Wednesday night without fail to the point that I forgot to take my night off.  This Wednesday nothing prevented me from doing it, but I didn't and didn't even think about it until this morning.  When I was like fuck a duck, I didn't get a night off this week...or last week or the week before or...damnit three times when was my last night off???

I'm thinking November....

You know where my brain goes when I start reading or doing something?  I start thinking that if only I could devout that time to my writing.  Or organizing my pictures on my laptop.  Or research something all day or any of the other number of things I'd love to, that's just for little 'ol me.  Why am I still doing laundry?  Why am I still doing the dishes?  I don't give a rat's ass the floor needs to be swept and hasn't for like two weeks, I WANT TO WRITE ALL DAY DAMN YOU.  And then I walk away to goof off on my laptop, get angry get up and try to do something again...only to have the process start over.

Le sigh.

I think my inner drama queen is getting anxious to get this book written and done with and nothing is making her happy until it happens.  It's like I can, for the first time ever, see the book being done.  It's not an I wish I could make it happen thing, it's an I know I can make it happen if I just had the time.

It's too bad I can't afford a maid or a babysitter or a driver to cover those things for me to give me some space and quiet time and less things to worry about.

Anyone willing to donate a dollar to the 'Nikki needs assistants so she can write the damn book already Fund'.  I promise you'll get a free book if you do ;)...or at least a mention in the dedications.

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

So um...yeaaah

If anyone missed the interview with Nancy Gideon and are curious about what went down, you can download it and listen to it here, just scroll down to the bottom half of the page, it's at the top of the list.


Let me see if I can explain how yesterday went properly.  One, I felt pretty bad with the sinus pressure and by the afternoon dizziness had kicked in.  Two, Bailey was still sick and Jocelyn is cutting her back teeth as well as sniffy and snotty herself, aka cranky kids.  Three, about 5pm Bo sends me a message saying a server has died and since they don't have a backup of this particular server, they'll have to build it somehow to get by for the time being and that could take anywhere from an hour to 3 or more.  Which would, more than likely, mean he would be getting home after the interview started.

So not only did I feel poorly, with two kids feeling poorly, made dinner half assed (that we didn't eat btw), I'd be putting them to bed alone and holding out hope that somehow a miracle would happen that they'd stay in bed and I could join in 30 - 45 minutes after the interview began.  I won't lie, I thought for sure the anxiety would get the better of me and I'd have to beg Jackie to handle this without me.  I never once thought I'd get swarmed with things that could keep me from it, and boy I was not happy at all yesterday as the minutes ticked down to the interview.

I got lucky because Bo left work fifteen till 8, and with a 20 minute drive I was going to miss only a little of the interview.  I was stoked, let me tell you.  This is where things got cooky.  I was on the phone with Bo trying to listen to him and a headphone in the other ear trying to listen to the interview.  For the first 10 minutes of both, I have no clue what was said.  But I tried.  He got in the door, I gave him a kiss and ran upstairs, barely telling the kids good night.  Seconds later I ran back down the stairs...and again a few minutes later because I had forgotten things like my charger...and phone.

And that's when things got um really really cooky.  I'm a talker, and when I get anxious I barely breath with all the word vomit that pours out.  But last night I was unable to speak.  I was just sitting there listening to all the fabulous questions Jackie (owner of Literary Escapism) had thinking how crumby my questions were compared.  It took me until near the very end of the hour and a half interview to actually speak and ask a question.  I was all EEEEE I finally opened my mouth yay!  I asked a total of 4 questions...sigh.  It could have been worse, I could have been talking 90 to nothing and not letting anyone else speak.

Even with all the problems and the fact that suddenly this Chatty Cathy was turned into a shy mouse, the interview was a lot of fun.  I would do it again, but I am going to listen to each of the interviews done so far to come up with much better questions for next time.  After discussing this world of Nancy's, it has me extra excited to get her next book, Hunter of Shadows in my hand and I'm sure I'll be jumping at any noise outside in hopes it's the postman.

Premature but I don't care

I've been doing a lot of prepping and background stuff for the novel I'm writing, trying to get into the mind of my main character.  For a very long time now, all my focus and attention writing wise has been on building up her world so I could see it better, but I couldn't for the life of me write more in the story.  Until last night that is.

For the past two weeks I literally would get scenes flashing in my head at random times.  Like brushing my teeth and I get a killer argument scene, so awesome and emotional for me I had tears in my eyes for a few minutes and completely stopped brushing.  I refused to write these scenes down, I know bad bad Nikki, but whenever I tried I'd stare at a blank page for hours.  Then last night I couldn't take the itch to write anymore and bammo wammo, I could write.  I can't say it's staying or that I'm in love with it but I got it whatever it was, and the next chapter flowed out of my fingertips with relative ease.

I've done enough scene ideas and chapter summaries without much writing, that it was a natural progression.  I finally had my dots connected, which has been a huge issue for me since the beginning of this writing journey of mine.  If things go the way they are right now, and I have my dots correctly aligned thanks to the prep work I've done, I'm guessing I'll be past my dreaded Chapter 5 mark of doom.  I have to say, I'm slightly giddy by that and I'm almost afraid to even say it.  There's only one book I've ever written that got past that part and it's only because it was a diary of sorts.  This is a HUGE step for me so if I can manage to get beyond Chapter 5, manage to keep going and get ever so closer the The End, then I've found my magic button to help me write.

Premature? Yes.  Exciting?  Holy fuck nuggets!!!

Starting on a good note

I feel pretty damn good today, and considering how shitty I felt last week that's amazeballs.  It's even rainy and icky outside, and I may be kinda sleepy, but I'm still getting things done...well the mental work anyway hey shut up at least it's something.

I haven't been writing per say for a while now.  I mean I have been, it's just, well it's not the actual story, just side notes and interview stuff and behind the scenes stuff; things that get me a clearer picture of the world I'm creating.  And one of those I wrote this morning and it made me cry, literally.  When I realized I was I laughed, because here I am sitting at my dining room table writing up a scene that I know won't be used, it's all make believe and I'm crying.  Either I'm just that emotional or I'm on to something.

This behind the curtain writing has been fun and I'm getting a better picture in my head and a better 'voice' for my main character each day.  It's strange really, because I could go on writing just this stuff forever and be satisfied, but it doesn't make a book.  What I'm doing is like a timeline or an outline per say, most of it isn't going to be used though, it's just to get my stops marked down with little tidbits on each one.  So that when I do get started on writing it again, I know where I'm headed with each chapter and I have a gist of what should happen so I don't get stuck.  This has been my problem from the get go, I only know a few stops and scenes when I first start writing and the rest is just a blur and I don't know how to connect everything.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'm FINALLY on the right track and this will get me finished and possibly published.

How's my ass look from back there?

Our little idea of Bailey being good to work up to a prize has been fairly successful.  Yeah he still has his moments, all kids do, but he's doing better about listening.

Although we still need to work on him controlling his emotions, the boy is as dramatic as a superstar.

Anywho, the first goal he sat for himself was bowling, and he earned it.  Woohoo.  Today we finally have the time to do it.

Bo was in a bowling league for years, so we've spent plenty of time playing with our big balls.  You'd think after all those years and time, I'd have learned how to bowl.  Alas, it is a sport and sports hate me.

But I can do a mean granny shot.  My excuse now is that someone has to show the kids how to do it.  I mean granny shots is the t-ball of bowling.

Just ignore the fact that I'm almost 30, cannot bowl the right way without bumpers and prefers to granny shot it like a toddler.

Book review

Ok Twilight fans, if you don’t want to hear some negatives, and these are only slight negatives, I’d stop right here before you cry.

I think we all know I’m a huge vampire fan, I love me some blood suckers, hehe.  It’s not that part that intrigues me, its the danger, its the suspense, its the immortal thing, that does it for me.  So of course I have many vampire works in my collection.  And until just recently I had never read Twilight, you need to thank Miss for that.

So anywho Twilight.  I have to say is now one of my favorites for a vampire series. I only have the first two books, I’ll get the rest this month or next, EEEE! I recommend this series to EVERYONE, its awesome awesome. But here are my probs:

I don’t get the whole sparkly thing.  I’m sorry, blood suckers, hunters, they kill their food most of the time, and yet they sparkle like diamonds in sunlight…does not add up for me sorry.  I think diamonds, harmless, gorgeous, breath taking, almost indestructible yes, but not a dark, twisted, blood thirsty killer.  Sorry just can’t make the connection,  I could do with out the sparkles.  I get the whole, shows their beauty, and how humans are drawn to them by it, but still not a fan of this characteristic.

Secondly I am a Jacob fan all the way around.  And no its not because of Taylor and those kissable abs……..sorry got sidetracked.  The fact that Edward goes nutso whenever they kiss, (don’t spoil it for me, I only know Twilight and New Moon right now) kinda turns me off.  Jacob can touch, or kiss or whatever with Bella, and he’s not hard as stone or cold as ice and he’s not avoiding killing her every second she’s near.  I normally go for the vamp, but in this case I’m all for the werewolf because although Edward is a good guy and he loves Bella there’s a ton of not so nice qualities.  It’s one thing to love someone even with their bad stuff, but the whole he has to fight not to kill her whenever he’s around, that’s one I can’t over look.  Plus, for me, if loving you will lose my family, bye bye fella cause my family and friends come first.  I find it hard, to trust all that, but then again I make the characters real when I read, and if I can’t relate then I have a hard time believing.  Make sense??

With those two very minor complaints, I LOVE the series and I’m only 2 books in!  I love the characters, love the story line and where its going. LOVE IT.  I feel oh so sorry for those missing out on the books, because it helps watching the movies now.  I think because I read Laurell K. Hamilton and J.R. Ward, which are more dark, scary vampires plus written for adults, its hard for me to see the sparkles as badass when that’s what I think a vampire is.  But, I think the Twilight series is a good transition into the harder scarier vampire books that are out there, for young and old alike.  Plus if the hardcore vamp isn’t your thing, you know you have Twilight to read instead.

New project

So I have a new project.  Yes yes I know, I’m still working on my family website, which is not up and running by the way…ugh, plus my website, plus I can barely do what I need to do around here, why on earth do I need another project?  Well cause I can. ~sticks tongue out~

It’s called The Naked Past, and its all about the side of history I love and enjoy.  Like the things that most people shrug off as not amazing enough to remember.  Or some historians who think that only wars are worthy of remembrance and are the only explanation of man kind that we need.  !!!Not bashing our troops!!!  Or the side of history that most people don’t realize is wrong.  Which I’m so going to get hate mail for I’m sure and I’ll just print it and hang it for drinking games.  Finding out if its true or a myth and how things came to be so warped from the truth.  Funny to think I do all this, and have since I was 16, for fun?  Or crazy…the jury is still out.

I find it hard to post history stuff here, I feel it doesn’t quite belong, hehe like I have a pattern in any of my blogs right.  Just the same, I wanted a place for it so I could have fun outside of family, kids, OCD and depression. 

If you’d like to follow me there as well, that would be fantabulous, if not no worries.  I’ll still love you anyway.

Why is this hard?

I promised that you would be punished by my vlogs, and I have yet to hold up my promise.  I am sorry, but torture does await you…at some point.

You see, I hate seeing myself.  I hate hearing myself.  I hate watching myself.  So every video I have make, I have made A TON and no you won’t hear how many because it embarrasses me to know how many…yes I counted, makes me angry.  Not just angry but embarrassed, grossed out, so much so that I want to burry my head in the sand.  I’m sure someone would say there is a good video or two, but I can’t.  I cringe watching these things.

At least I’ve figured out that the living room has the best light…..

Now if only I could stop fidgeting, spacing out, forgetting what I want to say, stuttering and going off topic. 

There was a knocking at my door.

I wonder who could it be?

Why it’s two boxes?!?!?

Hmmm

I wrack my brain trying to figure out oh what could it be?

OOOOH I know what it is!!!  This is when I noticed the weird orange glow of my photos, sorry so I moved to the living room.

  

Are you excited?  Can you tell yet??

Notice how I unceremoniously dumped the contents out on the couch, threw the boxes on top, and lovingly placed the boxes next to the heap.

And then my camera died, otherwise you would have seen me lick my new video camera.

What does all this mean you may be wondering?  Well its not to brag, by any means.  The video camera we had before, is bulky, won’t record unless it is plugged into the wall and is about 10 years old.  You have NO idea how in awe I am of this new lightweight companion of mine, but I digress.  The point is, I will be doing some vlogging now!  This means you will have to put up with me even more, cause now you get to hear my strange voice, my southern American drawl, and see just how twitchy and nerdy I really am.  Aren’t you excited????

Going nowhere

It seems like years ago that I started learning about html so I can build my own website. I get 5 minutes here and there to sit down and work on it. Which means, I know like a titch more than I did. Can we say frustrating?

Part of the problem is I put myself last and so by bedtime I smack myself for once again not making the time for me. The other part of the problem is a 4 year old and a 7 month old who want my company. I wouldn’t call that a problem, more like a gift but it is still a time sucking gift. Not to mention the sucking of brain cells. I find it almost impossible to concentrate on learning anything when I have one on my lap and one next to me. I tend to talk about the cartoons on tv or think about the next food to introduce to Joss (which is chicken by the way) whenever they’re near. I don’t want to miss out on things with them, but damnit I have got to learn html to build the website….plus about 5 other things I want to do and ‘can’t’ find the time to.

Have I mentioned OCD is a bitch?

Inspiration

I have been writing for twelve years now. Twelve years of half ass attempts at creating something magical, something memorable. Twelve years of amazing beginnings with no endings. I have this horrible talent of creating an idea, a great idea of only a beginning and end. The middle I’m stumped on. I don’t know why. I know what the first chapter is, I have an idea of what I want to tell, and I know where it’s going to end. But getting there I just can’t do. Its not lack of trying, I have over 10 stories as of this moment I have been working on. They are all calling my name furiously for attention. I write a sentence, maybe a paragraph and that’s all I have. My muse is gone, or whatever you want to call it has disappeared as fast as it came. So I move on to something new and it happens again. And again, and again. I have a notebook, three subjects I think, filled with ideas. These aren’t a paragraph per idea, these are pages per idea. I have stories in me that need to be told but I just can’t do it.

I have wanted to be an author for so long, it’s who I am. I may not be published, I may not even have anything finished, but damnit I am a writer. I write as often as I can and I have work to show for it. It may be short but its there. So why don’t I write short stories? Because I can’t. Its funny isn’t it? I laugh at myself on that one too. I mean seriously I can’t write a novel because a few pages in I am spent, but I cannot fit my story into a handful of pages. My longest story at the moment is 150 pages. My shortest is 20; I just started this one two days ago. So see I do work, I do create; I just can’t keep the momentum. How do you keep it going, I truly need to know.

Life is inspiring. I know it is because the second my son was placed onto my chest I wanted to make him proud of me. Growing up I didn’t understand all the hard work my parents had done to get to where they were. I saw them as two beings who worked ordinary jobs living in a decent home. I didn’t know my mother had quit school at age 16, never got her GED and was stuck working in a factory. That’s all she can do without an education. She didn’t know that then, but she sure as hell regrets it now. She wanted to be a nurse, but gave that up to be a wife and mother. My father is self employed, and yet has no one under him. Years and years ago he could have started a business, had employees, grew, earned lots of money. But instead, he chose family members or close friends to work on his crew, never more than three of them at one time. He is well known in my area for amazing work, but he could have been more. He chose not to, because he saw it as more work. Now they have little to live on when they retire. I am thankful for everything they did to provide for me and my siblings. I am proud of all their hard work, but sad that they never truly got what they wanted. I want better than average for me and my family. I want to be proud of what I have accomplished, not wonder what might have been. My son has shown me that I can’t just dream about what I want to be, I have to do it. I have to grow some balls and take that leap.

Love is inspiring. When I was little I dreamed of my knight in shinning armor. And that dream isn’t even close to the man I married. He is far better than I dreamed of so long ago. He isn’t perfect, no one is, but he puts up with my shit and keeps on smiling. We have known each for almost 20 years. We weren’t true friends until high school, and then became inseparable. When we started dating, it was just natural. We were already as close as you could get, minus sex. When we kiss, it is magic. True magic. The magic that makes your heart skip a beat, magic that turns your body into weightless mush. We have withstood hard times, and came out better people and partners. Its true love, true magic, true passion, and its beautiful. I want everyone to have someone to love. I want everyone to have this feeling of happiness when they think of their spouse. Too many of my friends and family can’t look or think upon their spouse with pure happiness. You should, because if you can’t its not true magic.

I am inspiring. Inside us is a person of unknown ability. Anyone you want to be. But you have to choose, you alone choose who you are and who you become. When that little voice inside us whispers advice, we need to listen. Most of us run through life not giving a damn about tomorrow. But tomorrow is a gift, and we should treasure it. We should make it the best we can. I know of the things I am capable of. I know my stories can captivate people because I have seen it. I know I have some talent, but how much I’m not sure. The only way to find out is to listen to that voice and write. Finish something, publish it and hope others love it as much as I do. I gave birth to my son inside my own home, on my terms. I know I am capable of so much, yet I hold myself back from who I want to be.

Inspiration, what is it? It’s everywhere, in everything, and everyone. I may have ideas aplenty; I may have a small talent in telling them, but it’s a waste of time unless I do something about it. For a while now all I can think about is writing, I even started taking creative writing classes again. But something in me just says 'No, sorry you can't write today'. This morning I created this blog, and I haven't stopped writing. I can't stop the ideas flowing. I still haven't gotten very far in my stories, but I've gotten far enough to wonder if I’m finding my way. I don’t know why creating this has opened my mind, but it has. Its scary, it’s exhilarating. I want more. I want to finish something. And I hope that this blog is what I needed to finish what I started all those years ago.