He's like my teddy bear and stuff

Today is day one of Bo's vacation.

We have so much jam packed into these 5 days it's not much of a rest but what can you do?

I woke up today thinking I was nuts for setting my eye appointment for 9am, who does that?  Certainly not me, who is NOT a morning person.

Oh yeah wait I did.  Cause I hate myself apparently.

I wanted to cuddle with him.  To kiss him.  To get all smoochy smoochy, steamy with morning breath under the covers.

Not sure if you are aware of this, but that shit, right there, is love.  Kissing someone who's breath smells like a cat done crawled inside their mouth and died, and knowing yours is just as bad if not worse.  That's a toxic combo my friends.  If you are willing to test fate by kissing with these two bombs, that's love.  Love in all it's messy glory.

I wanted to get all down and dirty.  Not like we could but I wanted to fake it for a while.  Get that heat a pumping through me so that while I waited for my name to be called I had something to think about.  His hands.  Those lips....those hands....that...yeah you get the point.

Except that was not in the cards and I will not lie, I wasn't happy.  At first.  The munchkins came to my attention, sounding as if they were tearing down the kitchen cabinets.  I came jiggling into the kitchen ready to snarl and bite and chew them a new one when Bailey says 'We wanted juice but there were no cold ones.  So I put some in the fridge.  See?'  all proud as if he'd just climbed Mt. Everest.  He's sickly with a fever that is playing peekaboo right now.  And he's all smiles because look Mama, I put juice in the fridge!

I wish I didn't have appointments today, I wish I could just stay home and chill with these weirdly wonderful people that is my family.  All mine.  I wanna get in a big dog pile and just breath them in.


Have I mentioned having Bo home is like crack for me?  I swear my moods go from one end of the spectrum to the other with him in the room.  I'm all crazy wired, energetic, and upbeat today.  While yesterday I had been all down and dumpy...

Today

Today I gazed out my window of my office...ok fine it's the dining room...as I took a break from blog surfing and gazing at books, which is my porn you know.  I thought I need to snap some shots, to show how my day looked.  


You are curious to know what I do all day.

Just admit it.  

My view's not so bad right?  Rural neighborhood in a small-ish town that is growing extremely fast. The other views included the polar bear and his mammoth sized poo piles...figured you'd prefer these shots instead.

And my company, well they freaking rock.

Look at that face!  Those cheeker weekers!  Don't you want to just nibble and eat her up?

She and I have had a boring time of it lately.  These past few weeks have not been the best, emotional and energy wise for me.  But things are getting better...the more sleep I get.

Which reminds me, thank you oh great dr. who prescribed Bo sleeping pills.  You deserve a kiss with tongue my good man.

  

She's too busy eating her Nutella and fossils (aka pretzels) to care that there's a camera.  She's my kinda target.

Each day I feel a little more like a human.  It's kinda weird let me tell you.  But at least I can take these moments and enjoy them instead of letting them pass me by.

And when little man got home I attacked him with the camera.  He's the kid that poses the second he sees a camera and smiles so crazy like you wonder how his cheeks don't burst from his face.  I had to tell him NOT to pose, to be normal.  Look at his book and just let me take a picture or 20.  

This made him nervous, and I saw myself and my dad come out in him.  He doesn't chuckle and stiffen up like my dad does.  Or say over and over 'I HATE pictures.  Please don't take a picture of me' like I do.

But when I say give me a bit of a smile, there's that pose again, there's that smile, and he gets all fidgety as if he's trying to hang onto a million monkeys.

Everything else about my day doesn't matter.  You don't need pictures of me lying on the couch in a fetal position hoping the Tylenol kicks in soon.  Or of my hair that's half ass in a pony tail and my look of 'don't fuck with me or you will lose a body part'.  Believe me.  These two munchkins, they matter.  They are part of why I get up in the mornings and keep trying to overcome my issues.  They are why I smile and why I laugh and have fun.

Well that and their daddy, who will get his own camera attack momentarily. 

Not a joke, I promise

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing.  Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house.  And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean.  It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices.  I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have.  I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready.  I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself.  Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it.  It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

His first phone call

Yesterday I got this call:

'Ma'am can I speak to your son' this little voice asked

Thinking it may be a wrong number I asked 'What is his name?'

'Um, I don't remember' was the voices awkward reply.

Then his mother gets on the line and tells me her son Jack got a phone number from his friend at school and was so excited to call it that he forgot who gave it to him.  I gave her Bailey's name and when she asked Jack if that was his friend I hear this 'Yeah that's it!  It's Bailey!' yippee type squeal in the background and a commotion followed by her laughing.

When Bailey got on the phone the cuteness factor skyrocketed.  You would have thought the boy had never spoke on a phone before!  Everytime Jack said something, Bailey had to tell me.  I had to say 'Talk to Jack' over and over, although now that I think about it didn't do me any.  It was obvious it was important to him that I be aware of the conversation.  I had to know the joke he just told him and that he was talking about what they did in class.  You know, quantum theory and solving the worlds greatest mysteries and all.  The call ended with Jack asking Bailey if he would play with him on the playground today at school, he said yes and then Jack was all 'Bye' and hung up.

'I guess he hung up Mama' Bailey said as he waved my cell phone in the air in this confused, I don't know what just happened way.  And he was off to play, as if nothing happened.

I sat there giggling for a few seconds at this 3 minute phone call of awkwardness I just witnessed when it hit me.  My son just had his first phone call from a friend.  My insides got all squirmy, my eyes filled up tears...and then another thought hit.  Oh jeepers play dates.  I. Am. Screwed. Six. Ways. To. Sunday.

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

Waving a finger at 2011

It's Tuesday, January 3, and the holidays and 2011 are officially over!!! HOT DAMN!!!

Did you survive?

Did you start a new hobby to help you manage the stress...like drinking?

Mine is curling myself up in a fetal position and singing the Backyardigans theme song before I go to bed.  It's quite calming.

I woke up this morning and was like aaaahhhh life is about to go back to normal now.  Bo went back to work today, Bailey goes back to school tomorrow and I'll be left alone with Squirley the screwnugget all day trying desperately to get/keep my house clean.  Although I'm looking around now and realizing, I have been cleaning a lot over the past week and the house looks way better.  Merry Christmas to me!

2011 was a rough year for me emotionally.  It was a full year that I was not on happy pills and let me just say OMFG I understand why those little bastards were invented.  If I liked the dazed and confused feeling they give me I'd get back on those suckers right now.  But I'm still iffy on them, and still wanting to do this on my own.  Who knows I may stop being stubborn in 2012 and take them again.  It was the year Jocelyn completely confirmed my suspicions that she really is a flying by the seat of her pants kinda girl.   She ate toothpaste, vitamins, and any piece of food she found on the floor.  Anything is her sucker, including toy hammers and hangers.  She's a sneaky, mouthy, dominating klepto.  WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE BUNGHOLE is our new slogan.  It was the year Bailey's attitude/emotions/anger seemed to blow up suddenly into something we had never witnessed before and was frightening coming out of a 6 year old.  Thankfully we were able to beat him into submission, which I plan on sharing tips with you now that I know it works.  It involves duct tape and laffy taffy, it's totally legit.  Oh please shut your pie hole, it's actually a rather clever book that really has changed things.  2011 was the year I became a great aunt, and I'm now known as Auntie Niknak...no one has jumped on the bandwagon yet but I'm persistent, it will happen damnit.  There's more, but it's early, the coffee hasn't kicked in so I'm moving on.

To say I'm glad 2011 is over is sugar coating things.  I'm fucking thrilled.  The above paragraph may seem bright and shiny but honestly, it wasn't.  I was stressed out, depressed, OCD'ing like a crankwhore, and all around screwed up last year.  I saved you all the trouble of having to read about it too often...you are very welcome.  And now instead of reliving those bad moments, I'd rather be funny.  Laughter is much easier to hear than crying.  My hopes for 2012 is that all things get under control, or at least more manageable than they were last year.

I'm leaving you with a song.  It's inspiring.  It's poignant.


What?!  Were you expecting something serious?  You really don't know me.....

Only a week to plan, yeah I can do that....maybe

Why don't we have Thanksgiving at our house this year? - Bo asked me this morning as he was marking stuff on the calendar...

Wait what?!?!

This year seems to be an off year in our family concerning holidays.  Normally we go to 3 or 4 houses in 1 to 2 days, it's chaotic and so so stressful.  But this year everyone has new plans and we'll only be attending his mom's.  I find this normal, as that's the number of houses I visited each holiday growing up, but for Bo this is strange and a bit sad.

I get it, in fact I understand why he wants to have our own this year and am totally up for it.  I however can't help the sinking feeling of OMG I have never done anything like this before...can I even pull it off?

There's only 4 of us, and I know I don't have to go all out and make 20 sides and 10 pies/cakes.  But what's Thanksgiving without traditional sides?  Why bother calling it that if you don't have the familiar 'faces', you know?  At least we'll have enough food to last us all week...

I have a feeling that the giant, almost full bottle of Vodka in the freezer is going to finally be gone.

This is TOO close to home

I will not give out my location for this, I know I know I'm not a super star and need to keep my local on the down low but excuse me if I'd rather share blow job stories than my address.

This morning at the PreK and Kindergarten Elementary school in town, where two of our nephews attend I might add, white powder was found in an envelope that was mailed to the school!  So far no word yet on if it's serious or just a prank, but this isn't the first time this has happened.  Yesterday two places in town had the same thing happen and before that two separate places in neighboring towns had it happen.  No connection has been found yet, no word has even been given on what the powder was at the other places other than it's a household substance.

This is seriously wrong and dangerous, I don't give a flying fuck if it's baby powder, this is not funny.  You don't do this to businesses and you sure as hell do not do this to schools where innocent children are.  The school couldn't even call the parents to come get their kids because they had to evacuate as soon as it was found.  Thankfully a local news station posted an article on Facebook so some parents are aware of what has happened and has picked up their kids.  Right now everyone is just waiting to hear any news.

A part of me wants to get Bailey out of school, even though I know that's being drastic but this scares me and it's scaring this whole town.  I hope they find out who is behind this ASAP and put them behind bars or in a padded room because this is fucking crazy!  This person cannot be sane.

Parenting tricks

We've talked over and over about things we can change in how we interact with Bailey and how to discipline him, I've even purchased books to help.  One book in particular hasn't given us much help, the other two I just bought last night so we still have hope for them.  There's two things we've tried so far and have actually noticed a change, and I thought I'd share just in case anyone out there is having similar issues with their munchkin.

1 - Every day I ask the kids to help me do something.  Jocelyn is a so a 2 year old, she'd rather play or empty out the bin we just filled with toys, plus she's seen her brother throw fits over cleaning and she thinks that's normal.  There are times we make it a game (see who can pick up the most toys before the timer goes off) and it works, other times neither could care less.  It's always hit and miss, but I refuse to let it go because they need responsibility.  Last week Bailey did his typical fit of 'NO I DON'T WANT TO CLEAN NOOO!', I told him he either picked up the 6 items or he'd clean something I chose.  When he didn't clean up the toys I said he got to clean the toilet.  Now I admit I made it worse by laughing and saying how happy I was that I wasn't doing it and there was lots of dripping sarcasm, but I was piffed and my attitude slipped out.  He didn't like it, but he cleaned it, and ever since if I say let's clean up our toys he does it without much of a fight.  In fact I can't tell you how many times I said that we'd start cleaning at a specific time because I had something to do first, and he'd start cleaning without me.  It hit me last night that he's been doing that ever since he cleaned the toilet.  Who would have thought!?!?!  So now it's either he cleans what I ask him to or I choose something.  Either way he gets his job done, he gets praise for helping and I get to check off one less thing on my to do list.

2 - Ignore the bitch.  Now I don't believe in ignoring the kids bad behavior, because it should be addressed and it should have repercussions, however sometimes ignoring can do you some good.  One of the things he does is he continues a fight for as long as he can.  For instance in time out he sits and screams and says mean things to me, and the more he does it the longer the fit and his anger lasts.  Most of the time I ignore him completely and just remind him ever so often in a calm voice that time out will not start until he is quiet.  Well that's not exactly how Super Nanny says to do things, but excuse me if my son says he didn't do anything wrong and it's my fault he just kicked the cat you bet your biscuits I'm going to put the smack down. Except what we've done is taken what he was initially in time out for and added on other things, making it a timeout for everything instead of one thing.  We talked about this the other day and how its obvious that sometimes he eggs things on for extra attention, and those times we should just ignore it.  We tested it out when he threw a fit over something (totally can't remember now they are all one blur at the moment) and instead of rising to his scream of no he wasn't going to or whatever it was, we didn't comment on it at all.  Instead of him screaming and whining/fake crying for 30 minutes, he didn't last but a minute or two before he stopped completely.  HOT DAMN!  This means that in time out we ignore him when he tries to make things worse, no matter what he says or does, we ignore him.  And to make sure he is given the least amount of ammo, he's now sitting in the corner on the floor with his back to us instead of on the rocking chair where he can see us and can rock himself into the wall.  Anytime he screams out in anger trying to keep the fight going, we are ignoring him.

This is not to say he's improved so much he's a new kid, not hardly.  But we've seen a few changes and a few instances of this working, and that is far better results than what we were doing.

Found an answer

It's looking as if Bailey is a strong willed child.  On one hand thanks to all things holy it wasn't 'bad parenting skills' that was the culprit.  Other hand, shiiiiat this is hard because we have to parent differently.

We thought he was getting better and we were getting better at handling his outbursts.  Then Tuesday came along and I got a call from the councilor.  No he wasn't doing better, he was the same but that day he was worse.  Like way worse.  Like sent to the principal twice, got taken around the school to observe how to act in class and then ended up in detention worse.

My 6 year old.

My first instinct was of course anger.  I'm doing what they say.  Every morning and evening it's the exact same routine, he knows the goal and he knows what's expected of him.  But that doesn't matter, it's still a fight with lots of yelling and screaming.  Before shopping trips or going out for dinner, we explain the rules and what's expected of him/them.  Doesn't always matter, he still makes it difficult up until we are in the store/restaurant.  If we say 'you do this one more time and you will be punished by blah' and he does it again we follow through with it.  We don't give in to his whining.  We don't shower him with toys and candy to make him mind.  ETC.  And we have from the beginning.  According to the experts this is a huge tool and one that will give kids stability and help with behavior.  But Bailey, he wants to do what he wants, when he wants and doesn't care what you ask of him, punishment only lasts so long and he knows it.  The experts need to come to my house for a few days, ha.

It just so happened that on Tuesday night there was a parent's workshop at his school and we moved heaven and earth to get there on time.  The first workshop we attended, they had many to choose from, was about family routines.  We aced it, the only thing we came away with was on times he drags his feet to set a timer, everything else we do and always have.  Who said we don't have routines down in this house...oh me yeah well now I know differently.  Oh that and he has far too much free time, and should earn it not get it naturally, but we already knew that. The second session we chose was for behavior.  The lady went through all the you set the rules, you don't bend the rules and you always follow through with punishment stuff.  So I piped up, what happens if you do that and always have but your child, who at one time responded to it, no longer does.  She asked me a few questions and I explained how no matter what the punishment is or how consistent we are with rules and punishments, he continues to scream and yell and fight us on things because he'd rather be doing something else. She referred me to books on strong willed children and said that would be very helpful to me, that it sounds like that is the problem which means our parenting isn't bad, it just doesn't mesh with a strong willed child.

She felt bad enough that she gave me a very tight and long hug after the session was over and made sure I understood it's not our fault, and it's not his fault either and we are not alone.  I like that little ol lady, I asked if I could keep her and she said no.  Bummer.

I've got one of the books she recommended on my Kindle, I've read like 10 pages so far and so far I haven't learned anything really.  But at least now we have a direction to go in, and if this book or the other books she told us about doesn't work, we can look in a new direction.  It's better than nothing.

Stupidity is such a bore

I had a conversation with someone the other day that just infuriates me.  He's an ass, plain and simple, and he thinks that makes him funny.  Wrong, it makes you a dick, but you'll never realize it or even be man enough to admit it.  But I digress.  He basically told me that all my issues are all in my head and I just need to do it and stop whining, because my problems don't even exist.  Don't exist huh?  I told him well aint that just sweet, must be nice to never have experienced such difficult things to even know what you are talking about.  He talked over me of course.  I gave up, you can't teach stupid, closed minded people.  He'll always be a dick, he'll always think I'm just being a baby, and that's fine with me.  I'd rather surround myself with people who actually have a clue vs. someone who's a dick.

It's people like him, saying the shit he does, that put more pressure on being normal.  I try hard, but I always come up short and then there are far too many people like him who think depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, and many other mental illness's don't exist and we're just lazy and difficult or drama queens.  It's no wonder his child acts the way she does, he think she's stupid and difficult instead of someone who needs extra help dealing with emotions.

But it's also people like him that inspire me to NOT be like that.  Bailey has problems with his emotions, I mean the terd bucket starts crying when his food touches sometimes or if he's trying to get a bouncy ball to be still and hold up a book.  I may not understand it and it may annoy the bajeezus out of me but he can't help it.  And instead of yelling or telling him he's being a baby, I need to get in there and talk him through it.   Instead of telling him to suck it up and be a man, I need to get on his level and see what happens.  It's hard, REALLY hard in the moment when it's like really come on this is not something to cry over.  How hard is it for him though?  How hard was it for me when I was puking my breakfast up minutes before we left to go shopping because I was having a panic attack, and my parents yelled and punished and told me I was being silly?  Hard and lonely.

The dick can keep his 'knowledge' of emotional issues, because at least I can say I'm trying to understand my child and help him, and I'm not telling him to shut up every time he talks or that he's driving me insane because he's being stupid.  Can he say that?

Breaking him in with sex talk

Family warning: Don't read further unless you want to bleed from your eyeballs.

Picture it: Last night Bo and I were standing in our kitchen talking about our day after the kids were in bed.  Long story short something happened at work today that touched on our past and I was asking him how he explained to the boys how he went from 'friend zone' to boyfriend with me.  That's when we started talking about our early days, when we made out semi naked (the day I woke up and realized he had a penis, shut up don't judge, I've known him since I was 5, we weren't moving THAT fast) in our friend's uncle's bed, and then a few months later scrogged in his dad and step mom's tub and a few months after that in my parents bed.  We were both cringing that we did such stupid things and how on earth did we overlook where we were when in walked Bailey.

We have no idea how much he overheard.  But the few sentences that were said seconds before he walked into the kitchen concerned whether or not I had just a top or just pants on that first day at our friends house.  Bo made the remark that either way he had access to something fun.  I saw Bo freeze and look in the door way then I hear "I need a drink".  Thus two adults giggled and hawed over the next few minutes as we realized we just got caught.  AND OMG WHAT DID HE HEAR.

He's 6.  He's a smart fella and he has always asked the right questions.  I can explain sex to a teen, but a 6 year old?  A teen gets penis and sex jokes and knows what a stiffy is.  A 6 year old doesn't and has a crappy sense of humor.  I can't tell jokes to my 6 year old!  I can't give goofy visuals to break the ice so the kid's comfy.  If I say you hang from the ceiling fan, clucking like a chicken with a bottle in your ass, the kid is going to think that really happens.  I'm going to have to rethink my tactics.

Dear Bailey, sex is something fun you do when you become an adult.  If you do it too early, then the girl's coochysnorcher will bite your winky off and eat it for breakfast.  It has to grow in properly before then or bye bye winky.  Sex is a funny tickle in your trunk and when it's done right it get's real happy and spits with joy.  But aim carefully, that shit stings the eyes.

Promising to be a long night

Both kids are sleeping in new and bigger beds tonight.  There's a very said Mama here tonight.

Bailey has been in a toddler bed as long as we could keep him there.  One, he's short like me and could still fit in it until now.  Two...well come on he's still my baby and damnit the kid should not be too big for a toddler bed.  That's not fair.  And now it's Jocelyn's bed.  JOCELYN'S!!  It was one thing to take down the rail on her crib to make a teeny weeny day bed, but a toddler bed?  Her crib in the garage?!  No more baby bed?!

I need a drink.  A tall one, with lots of booze.

The bizz of a SAHM

SAHM life is a business, did you know that?  We juggle our houses, children, spouses, pets, ourselves all at the same time every single day.  Some of us rock, some of us, ahem, sink.  But one thing we have, is each other to help get through all the mess.  Or at least that is how it should be.

It's weird I actually know of a few SAHM's in my 'circle' and yet we never really talk about that side of life.  Yeah we talk about kids sometimes, but not parenting tricks or ideas or cool projects to do with them or around the house.  Just OMG my child was a butt today or guess whose doing another fund raiser?  And just about all of us stash and dash whenever company comes over.  Where's the help ladies?  What's so hard about discussing that side of our job?

Oh I know what it is, judgement.  Too many people out there think they have it the right way and anyone else is wrong, wait not just wrong but a bad mother.  Those people I want to slap, and I do give them a good fuck you when the moment calls for it.  I am so allergic to bullshit, acchooooo.  I do not think I have it right, and I do not judge other's actions.  I was taught it wasn't my job to judge.

I have two kids, three pets and a husband and I feel all alone in this house.  Bo gets it, but he doesn't GET it like someone else in the same position does.  And I need more of those voices to show me I'm not alone, that other's go through the same thing every day.  Some worse than I've ever imagined.  But it's not just me that needs it, other SAHM's need it too.  This job isn't easy, it's hard (being a parent is hard period) and I think we need more connections and circles and help so that we remember why we chose to stay home, so that we can smile and be happy, and not have to fake it.

Are you with me?

School day #2

Yesterday was Bailey's first day of school.  No I didn't blog about it.  I tried to get some sleep instead.  Which didn't actually work, but I tried.  And then I played Bejeweled on Facebook and put duct tape on my eyelids until it was time to pick him up.

How did his first day go, you may wonder.  Seems it was half and half, he started to get teary when I first asked him that question and said that they didn't do what he wanted to do.  But then he went on to tell us about the three kids in his class that he knows from last year and the swinging bridge in the playground and how he got to draw what he wanted to in art class.  Hot damn, that boy HATED being told what to draw so hopefully this keeps up and they let him do his own thing.  Maybe that will be one class he likes cause he kinda gets to call the shots.  He was bored to tears last year with all the coloring and 'baby' stuff, and was really looking forward to 1st Grade when they challenged him.

I think we all are and I'm hoping today she challenges his cahonies off.

Jocelyn is not happy that he's in school and she doesn't get to go.  She's cried after leaving him both times and yesterday when we went to pick him up she said 'I want to go to school too' in this sad little voice.  Broke my heart for a sec then I said 'Bitch you are not leaving me anytime soon so calm down' and Bo looked at me and told me that wasn't very nice.

Excuse me, she's my baby, she's only 2 and SHE IS NOT GOING TO SCHOOL FOR A VERY LONG TIME...just give me that ok?  He moved on, and she continued saying she wanted to go to school too.  I'd rather not think of when she goes to school, thank you.  That's just...um nope not thinking about it.

As for me, I miss the little shit, but MY GOD IS IT NICE NOT HAVING AN ALL DAY FIGHT WITH HIM.  He and I were butting heads almost every second of the day,.  He's got it into his head its his way and I'm the one in the wrong because I'm making him do it my way.  Oh yeah, it's not Daddy and Mama's rules, nope it's Mama's rules and I get all the blame.  OMG, seems my father's side of the family gene is dominant and the men rule and the women suck...I'm just going to have to beat that shit right out of him.

After dropping him off today, I thought it would be the toughest since Bo wasn't here to distract me from the anxiety.  But I did just fine, I got to see him walk to the door which is a HUGE thing for me and I could care less about the 2 mile long line behind me...I have a finger for them if they start honking, ahem.  I thought it would hit when I got home, but nope it didn't.  In fact I was like let's get to work when I walked in...

Grumbling again

Where have I been this past week??

Sleep deprived because of my husband.

Again.

We've tried a few ideas in hopes to fix his sleep sex fondling, nothing has worked so far, and we're now down to sleeping pills and his own bed.

On the 15th school starts.  Right now, after this past week of horror and last night which I swear to all things holy was THE WORST NIGHT EVER in which he began wrapping himself around me to the point I could barely move let alone breath AFTER 'taking care of it' four times throughout the night, I dread school.  I dread it, I'm afraid of it and I do not know how I'm going to survive.  Other than going to bed with the sun in hopes I get some sleep before he comes to bed.

I don't want to kick him out of our bed.  I don't want to knock him or myself out by sleeping pills.  But my gosh, I can barely get dressed right now how the hell am I going to take and pick up Bailey from school every day with Jocelyn by my side in this state?

Anyone else out there with husband who tries to have sex with you while you are both asleep?  Anyone?!?!?! Please tell me I'm not alone!!!!!

Just call me Dr. Evil

Bailey made a comment yesterday that pissed me off, although it was true, and today I'm making him pay for it.

Everyday at dinner we talk about our day, what was good and bad about it. When Bo asked him what he did yesterday he said 'I played games and with my toys; I did whatever I wanted'.

He's right, although we have rules on how they can and can't act (that totally and completely gets ignored), that's about as far as their responsibility goes. We ask very little of them because once they get older they'll be smothered by responsibilities, and we'd like to let them have some fun first. Except now, it's created selfish shitdom around here.

It's no wonder little things like asking him to get dressed is followed by a dramatic fit as if I just asked him to bathe in acid.  He gets away with whatever all day long except for his behavior.  Which is why he acts like a spoiled brat that gets whatever he wants, and no matter how we punish him for his behavior, it doesn't work.

So from now on they will be handling their crap.  As in picking up toys, picking up the playroom and their bedrooms.  I will help, but they will be doing 80% of it themselves...or more likely Bailey will as Jocelyn views this as a warped game in which she empties any bins that have been filled onto the floor and starts putting things back where they were, scattered around the house. 

I'm hoping I can train this one before she becomes as allergic to responsibility and cleaning as her brother.

I'm also hoping that I can come up with daily tasks for them to do around the house and stick to it.  It's part of our night time routine to return toys back to the play room...but this gets done once a month if I'm lucky. 

I have my own issues about cleaning that I deal with every day, even now that I'm all CLEAN MUST CLEAN thanks to moving to this house.  I struggle keeping up with my own responsibilities, making him do his seems a bit hypocritical.  That's something that I have to work on; it's something I have to teach them.

I know if I can get them to help more, my job will be easier.  And that is a wonderful dream.  So for now, we're just getting the house clean so that tomorrow when my mom and niece come by to babysit so I can FINALLY get my hair did, they won't be swimming in toys and crap.

Once they figure out this is an every day thing, well I'm already dealing with temper tantrums over little shit...I won't really notice at this point.

Tried....unsuccesfully

I don't know whether to be offended or happy that Bailey wasn't really interested in doing much of anything with me yesterday. 

But I did try.  I mentioned all sorts of things to do and it was answered by 'Nope, I just wanna play by myself Mama'.

But we did make popsicles...there's that right?

I may not have clingy, attention needy kids.  I have independent, self sufficient ones.  And honestly, that's not a bad thing.  That's kind of a good thing.  In fact that's an awesome thing.

I know first hand what it's like to know someone who can't function on their own.  It's rather annoying.  And I have a tendency to do this myself sometimes.

And yet...it breaks my heart a little that he's only 6 and she's only 2 and they are both rather good at finding their own entertainment.  Not to mention when I say 'hey show you me your maps, let's see what we can find' only to hear not interested from a boy who pours over these things for hours and shouts for joy over something new he found or something he's actually seen on the road.  Have I really been that absent that they don't know what to do with me either? Or am I really just that boring that they'd rather do it alone than with me?

Today is a new day

Don't you hate it when things get said that kind of hit you in the face and make you realize you're being an ass again?  Or that you've been acting like someone you can't stand without noticing it?  And the shit sticks with you, eating away at you until you want to scream?

For instance.

Last night Bo was still not feeling well, from both the stomach bug and having his teeth worked on, and everytime the kids were doing something like screaming or getting into trouble he jumped up and handled it.  Then he'd sit down and remark how he didn't feel good and shouldn't jump up like that.  I'd agree with him....as I lay on the couch reading and conserving what little energy I had.  Then he said 'Well I just react, I hear them fighting and without thinking I get up and take care of it'.   I reminded him I could get up too, and he didn't have to take care of everything.  He then says 'But you yell first, then you get up and take care of it.  I can't do that, I get up instead of letting it escalate'.

I sat there, and even asked out loud is that what I do and he said yes.  I got mad, and almost got pissy with him by saying if he'd been here all day trying to corral them all the time he wouldn't be jumping up every second they bickered.  But I didn't, I kept my mouth shut, because he was right.

I tend to shut off when he comes home.  And I know that isn't right.  I know my job never really ends and I shouldn't stop handling things just because he's home.  It's not fair to anyone.  But it's what I do, it's something I've known for a while but just keep doing.

Or like when I mentioned the other day of a certain someone who has never put their child first in their entire life, and how their child has no idea what a parents love really is.  How attention is given to everyone else, including other kids, while they get ignored and are treated like an after thought, a nuisance.

I had a moment of OMG I do that.  I may not treat my kids like a nuisance or an after thought, but I don't spend enough quality time with them.  Yes I play with them, but not for very long because well I don't really know how to.  My parents worked hard while I was growing up, and with three kids to take care of I was always told to go play by myself.  I don't remember my parents playing with me; I remember them always working or resting.   And I follow in that pattern, I spend my day's reading,writing, goofing off on the net or cleaning the house, basically doing my own thing while they do theirs, with random times of giving them attention.  They could view this as them being not being important to me.

Today I've started my normal do my own thing, while they do their thing, but I've had these thoughts yelling at me the entire time.  I'm still continuing the cycle that I've been trying, or thinking of trying, to stop for a while now.  I'm still doing the things I hate.  I'm still taking advantage of Bo if I'm being honest with myself.  And I'm not happy.  I'm not happy with how I feel about myself.  I'm not happy with how I treat the kids sometimes.  I'm not happy that my poor hubby is always doing something and rarely getting his own downtime. 

I'm fixing it today.  We're making tents in the living room, we're playing games, and the only thing I'm going to rush through is housework.

Stay clear of roped off area

Thanks to all well wishes and get better soons.  I appreciate it ;). 

Waking up this morning and being able to sit up without the world spinning and my stomach going 'will I or won't I spill my contents and which direction shall I take this time' was a beautiful feat.  Not to mention being able to stand without feeling like the floor was coming up to smack me on the face. 

Today is a GREAT day!

I'm ignoring that my entire house is a disaster.  And the fact that I STILL have a sore throat.  I'm enjoying the simple fact that I feel somewhat like a human being today.  I'm still really weak and walking three feet is like running 100 miles.  But I can eat without fear, although nothing but coffee sounds good.  Go figure.

Yesterday was hell, absolute HELL.  The kids had to fend for themselves a lot as we dozed on the couches.  He managed to take care of them while I was at my sickest and I think he deserves a giant treat for that because he was still sick himself.  The poor guy's left eye is entirely blood red.  I think the only reason I managed to avoid that was I was being tortured in two directions the entire time while he was only throwing up until near the end.  Nice mental huh...MWUAHAHA don't tempt me I can so share more intimant details.  About seven last night, Jocelyn managed to grab a hot dog bun and came into the living room eating it.  Reminding us that they needed to be fed again.  He fed them and got them into bed while I stayed on the couch, sitting up was too much for me at that point.  Wasn't long before we went to bed ourselves.

He trecked off to work today (the boys in the IT department begging him to keep his sunglasses on) and I have managed to get dressed already.  Sad when I'm so proud and thrilled we managed these things. 

We've decided that we are under quarenteen until we are 100% better.  We've made my parents sick with the sinus gunk, and now they've got the stomach crap, plus one of our nephews has it now too. 

Maybe now my posts will be about more exciting things...