One of those days again

My moods are a lovely roller coaster ride in Hades.  Let's be honest.  I get random bad thoughts suddenly and my mood goes from perky to depressed in a blink of an eye.

Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo.  Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing.  He knew something was up and asked what happened.  I told him.  Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them.  Except I can't.

I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down.  All because of my fantabulous imagination.  I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting.  The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.

It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare.  My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up.  I don't want to take anything.  I want to get this under control on my own.  I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed.  You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.  

It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.

I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy.  Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.

I'm grounded

until I decide whether or not to try more meds.  The worst part about it is I am my warden and I'm not good at that job.

It's easy to let myself get away with doing what I want.  I'm a sucker when it comes to me.

So starting today, once I finish chatting with my Mama on Facebook and finish this here post, I am not allowed to touch my writing, my books or my laptop until all of my chores are done.  I can stop to play with Joss, or take a break or whatever but I am not allowed to touch any of those things until I've crossed the last task off.  Even if I drag my feet and it takes me hours to get through my list...gasp.

I know this won't fix me, but it's a start to get myself from using these things as a crutch to get through my day.  Seriously, I'm doing one of those three things from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, that's a big problem.  I sit my timer to stop and do something else but I just keep resetting it. 

I'm dreading this, I'm hating it but I know that it has to be done.  I wouldn't let my kids or Bo get away with goofing off and not doing their chores, so why am I allowed to?

Something must be done

So um...sigh...

It's been tough around here.  I've tried to not post about it.  I hate repeating myself, I know I do a lot of that, and if it bugs me, it sure as hell bugs you guys.  So I wasn't completely honest in a post or I didn't post at all or I posted something random just to fill the space.  I thought that one it would help me by not being a reminder and two I wouldn't bore you too much.

But I was wrong, and I know better.  Whether it bores you or not, it's my story, it's what I deal with every day and that's not something I need to hide from.  Numbers don't matter.  Honesty does.

We've been discussing me getting back on meds...

My anxiety is up and down, my moods as well and I'm having my really high and really low days again.  That's not safe and so not normal.  I've tried changing my routine, I've tried coming up with all sorts of ways to get myself up and moving and staying positive.  But none of them work, because I'm not able to make them or let them work for very long on my own. 

So my options are get back on meds and hope I find one that works, and not one that just lets me continue as I have been except I'm numb to the anger and my desire to do better.  Or I do something drastic with my life, hopefully with someone walking along beside me every step to make sure I do it, and hope that works.  What that may be, I don't know yet, other than hiding my books and my laptop until I earn them back.  They've become my routine so to speak, it's all I do to 'control' my anxiety and my thoughts.  I know that's no different than someone who washes their hands 20 times because they don't feel clean until they hit that magic number.  It's the same thing and I'm fooled by thinking that the reading or the games or even the writing is helping me control the bad thoughts and anxiety.  It's not.  It's masking it for a time, and it's making it impossible for me to improve no matter how bad I want it and now matter how hard I try. 

Nothing has been decided yet, other than we have to do something soon or I'm going to be back in that dark place in a very short time.  I don't like this, neither does he...

That's some crazy stuff

It just hit me that I have been off my happy pills for like 3 months now.

How crazy is that?

I know it's still fairly soon to say woohoo I did it but, I'm doing it baby!

In ways nothing has changed, in ways I'm worse, in ways I'm better.  But all in all, there isn't that big of a difference.

Or so I say, Bo may say differently.

Did you know I went shopping today by myself?  I actually hate doing this, I like having Bo and the kids with me, I like talking to people LOL.  Looks a little strange to be talking to yourself, you know.  On the way there I was not thrilled to be alone but once inside the store I was in shop mode...if I have one haha, and did my thing without being uncomfortable.  Normally I get all nervous and self conscience, I swear people are watching and pointing and saying nasty things about me.  I fidget constantly, pulling on my shirt or my jeans, messing with my hair/face/glasses.  I make myself worse by doing these things, but it's compulsive I can't stop myself and don't realize I'm doing it half the time.  I had none of that today.  I didn't notice it at the time either.  It just sorta hit me a bit ago 'oh I got through shopping without a weird OCD fidget'.

And then since the move, I haven't had one minute of 'omg omg what do I do now? Where do I go first in this mess of boxes and bags?'.  That makes me stop and say WTF.  This is so new to me, it's like I'm reprogrammed and no one told me.  I'm actually getting things done.  It's slow because I'm unpacking/cleaning with one hand and getting Jocelyn out of something she doesn't need with the other.  It's extremely frustrating and I have to time what I'm doing with where she's at in the house at all times.  But I'm still doing it.  I'm still going.  I'm not frazzled and incapable of continuing.

OH and another awesome thing, that Bo even noticed but this does have more to do with this house vs our old one.  We had 11 people in this house today at one point, AND I WAS FINE.  My heart wasn't going crazy, I wasn't sweaty and dizzy feeling, I didn't feel like the walls were closing in...I was frickin fine people. 

We've talked about how I'm feeling and how the most annoying hurdle I have is my damn ankle...and we are both in agreement THIS MUST STAY....well not damaged ankle.

Strange night

Yesterday I started getting a headache, it felt very similar to an ice cream headache, yet not as intense.  It was that same kind of cold, throbbing ache though.  I've never had that before without eating ice cream, so it made me worry.

Obviously, wouldn't be me if I didn't right??

Anyway I went to bed, and as I'm lying there the headache moved down my forehead and to my nose.  It was the weirdest cold sensation, and of course I was instantly in a panic.

OMG something is wrong with me!

What could it be?

Should I go to sleep or should I stay awake until it goes away???

Am I dying?

On and on the thoughts went until I was gasping for air, totally making the headache worse which in turn made my thoughts more fatal.  I somehow managed to get my thoughts under control, then my breathing and finally I was fine.

No freaking way!  All without meds.

I still don't know how I did it, I just remember I said to myself going to sleep won't change anything and the calming thoughts went from there.  Where I got that thought I don't know, as I was barely able to think clearly with so much going on in my head.  It was just suddenly there, then the panic was gone.

Today I feel all puffy, achy and sinus pressured, so I'm thinking that had something to do with the headache.  Or hoping anyway..

I'm quite proud of myself, I did it all on my own.  I didn't need to run to Bo or text Miss or look it up on the net.  I somehow got through to my inner bitch and fixed it all by myself.

Sweet!

My secret

I've struggled with whether I should write this post or not.  It's very personal, although it's rare that I don't share personal issues, this one hurts.  But this is something that is really torturing me as of late, and it's something I shouldn't hide from.

Last month was a big month for me.  On July 7, 2004 I had my first miscarriage, the due date was January 10th, then I lost another pregnancy in January of 2008.  It's painful, those two things all on their own, but when you add that with the three people I know who are pregnant right now and that I'll never be pregnant again...well it's no wonder I've had days of struggling to get out of bed.

I picked an awesome time to stop my meds didn't I??

I've had to tell myself over and over, almost daily, why we had Bo snipped.  Because that pain and that need to have more is still very strong.  Even though I know it was the right decision, the BEST decision for our family, it still hurts. 

My niece is one of those pregnant.  And let me just say that the whole back story to this is terrible, pathetic and is down right disgusting, so much so that I'd love to have weeks of bashing the pathetic excuse for a human that is the reason she's going to be a single mother.  However I can't, as it probably wouldn't help her in finalizing a divorce where she gets custody.  Even though I'd be the crazy aunt raving about him and his retarded, brainwashing, twisted group he calls his family, and they are desperate enough use it against her.  Although I can claim I'm crazy and maybe the judge would let it slide...I know it would make me feel better if I could bash his sorry ass.

But I digress.

It's been really hard to be positive and excited about this with her and my family.  But I have been, as much as I can anyway.  This isn't about me, in any way, shape or form and my personal issues have no place for this situation.  So I've kept it quiet, barely even mentioning it to Bo.  It hasn't been easy at all, trying to be 'ok' with this for everyone.  But I will, and I will keep my pity party in my head and out of the conversations. 

I know better than to keep stuff inside, but in this case I have to for the most part. 

I'm not mad at K, or the other two I know who are pregnant, I'm happy for them.  I'm just not excited.  I don't blame them but I am a little jealous that they get to experience this and I'll never be able to again.  And I'll be there for them as much as I can, and I hope I'm able to keep all this to myself so I don't make it tough for them.  It's my problem after all.

I wish this didn't hurt so much. 
 

When things get tough, make cocktails...

Tomorrow is Jocelyn's birthday party; she'll turn two on Monday.  

Normally when I have a deadline of people coming over, I do better at keeping up.  I mean, ok so I do get behind and still have things 5 minutes before the people show up but ahem I do my task list...slowly.  But this time, I just haven't had it in me.

And I think I know why.  Two weeks ago I decided to stop taking my happy pills.  No no, it's ok really, don't panic...yet.  I wanted to see if it was causing my lack of sleep.  And my spacing out and brain garbled into such a mess I miss things in front of my face and forget my name half the time. 

Plus I hate taking meds, hate hate hate it; I'd love to be able to not have to take them.  That's not saying I won't take them again or that I don't agree with it, oh no I wouldn't be where I am today without those little gems.  I just want to do this without them.  I want to find a way to not need antidepressants.  How...well I'm still working on it.  But at the time, I think I'm hitting the withdrawal period. 

I kept forgetting my pills about three weeks before I stopped taking them, so in a way I weaned myself.  I can definitely tell something's way off.  I have a hard time focusing and staying motivated.  I jump around to things more often, spending very little time on anything.  I'm exhausted.  I'm moody.  The best sounding activity to me, is to sleep, alone, wrapped up in blankets for a few days.

Which oddly enough is how they made me feel in the first place, but it's different now somehow.  I can't put my finger on it, but it's just different.

So tonight we have a ton left to do to get ready for her party tomorrow.  We always manage to do it, but it's still stressful to have so much left at the buzzer.

I've petitioned some helpers tonight, and they are Coconut Rum, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice...

Up from my sick bed

Can I say that being sick during Thanksgiving was a bitch? 

Friday, Saturday and part of yesterday I camped out on the couch.  I felt absolutely horrible.  My chest hurt.  I couldn't stop coughing.  My nose was like niagra.  It was sad and pitiful to watch...and hear since I lost my voice.

I took some Mucinex DM, thinking it would make me feel better.  I mean that's what that stuff is meant to do right?

Wrong, oh so very very wrong!!

We figured out that was what kept me up Thursday night.  I woke up Friday and felt much better, but within an hour of taking another dose, my tongue was numb and I was as high as the ceiling. 

I couldn't move without the room spinning in three directions and I kept having shapes and bright colors swirling before my eyes.  I started panicking randomly AND my eyes were bugged out. 

I've mentioned before that I respond weirdly to meds sometimes.  But when Bo did some research, I wasn't the only one experiencing those side effects.  Talk about relief, I was terrified I'd have to go the  ER because of that shit.

My Xmas present to you, DO NOT TAKE MUCINEX DM!

PLOP

I just knocked on your door, and the second you open it I rush in, drop my purse on the floor and collapse on your couch in a giant fluffy heap.

PLOP.

I would love to say that I've been so busy with things that I haven't had the time to blog...except its not true.  The truth is that I have done NOTHING much this past week.  I was sick, then ran out of my happy pills, then we had a weekend of extra nothing...and well I never thought about writing.

Sad yet slightly funny if you think about it.  Nothing kept me so sidetracked that writing never crossed my mind.

Thank you Jodene for sending me such a sweet message about where I was.  Until your note I hadn't realized it had been so long since I blogged.  Mwuah, and I'll try to get back on track.

The chirping of crickets

I'd like to say that I've been so busy that I haven't had a moment to sit down at my laptop, but I can't. 

I once again haven't been sleeping, which brings on the horrendous headaches that knock me on my but for a day or two.  It's been rough, because all I've wanted to do was sleep, and I can't when its just me and the kids.  So I read, or play online games, or like yesterday spend an entire day writing (WOOHOO).  When I need to be cleaning my house so that when Miss and her son Caden get her...whenever that is ahem ;)...the house doesn't look like a disaster zone.

At least some of the house is clean, but I guess she does know my lack of cleaning skills by now so it won't be a shock to her system.

If you add on Mother Natures monthly gift, well you understand how that sucks all perkiness right out of you.

Another week down of no weight loss.  Shocking I know.  I have followed the rules and kept track of my points, but what I didn't do was put a whole lot of effort into staying right at or under my daily points like a good girl.  The 35 extra points a week were gobbled up before the week was over.  It didn't help that I made two peach cobblers back to back, but hey one of those was for the family reunion fiasco that happened over the weekend.  There wasn't much left afterwards, thankfully, since it's my grandma's recipe I have a hard time resisting it.  But now its gone, no more ewy gewy goodness that brought me back to sitting in my grandma's kitchen while she fiddled around the room asking me over and over "Are you sure you're done eating, I can make you something else".

When I decapitated my muse a couple weeks ago, I was almost afraid to go back and continue writing.  What if what I replaced the crap with was just, well crappy?  What if, what I had before was better than what I'd replaced it with?  What if I ruined my story completely and I had to start all over again?  I stayed clear of it for a few days because I knew if I didn't, I'd tear it up and start over just because I doubted myself.  I went in yesterday, reread the entire thing and took out more, hold on its for the better, that I had added in trying to make the parts line up.  I may still take out what I replaced that with because it still isn't quite working for me.  But I kept going anyway, and I'm quite proud of myself for doing so. 

You'll get more later on my writing, because I need some help.

I'm hoping today that the headache will take a day off, and I can do what needs to be done, because as usual, it's getting old AGAIN, to not be able to do anything but sit still.

Day three

On the million dollar meds for three days now and I feel fabulous.  I admit I was hoping I would feel like poo hit by a semi because that’s what I’m used to feeling and I could say “Nope not working either” and could happily switch pills…to something cheaper.

But alas, day three and I feel awesome!  No headaches.  No extreme dizziness that requires me to stay absolutely still all day.  No sick feeling, like my stomach is always seconds away from tossing my cookies.  Why do you have to be $226 a month??  So not fair.

Bo is seeing a huge difference, so its not just me.  I asked him if I do this in the beginning of taking any pill and he says not to this extreme.  Yay again for it not just being me.  I would hate to be optimistic about this when the others did the same thing before they began to suck.  I don’t feel drugged, and on all the others I always did.  I feel slightly detached, but not so drastically that nothing seems real or worth paying attention to.  I have lots and lots of energy and can focus on what needs to be done because THERE IS NOTHING IN MY HEAD.  No thoughts going over and over, NOTHING.  I can't begin to describe how amazing that part is.  If I want to think of something I can, and its easy to concentrate.  I don’t have to filter through crap to get to what I want to think of. And reading is so much easier now!

All the pills I’ve taken, has had their moments of wow I can do this easier because of the pill, so they did work to an extent.  But again, Welbutrin seems to be the best for me.  I hope this lasts on one hand, because I don’t feel so crazy right now, I don’t feel like the oddball with the sign CRAZY above my head and that is a beautiful thing.  On the other hand, these things are so expensive its insane.  Yes technically we could afford this things, HOWEVER that would mean not paying off our debt, not putting back any money for savings, and cutting out something to make up for the amount.  It wouldn’t hurt us drastically right now, but it would mean no money for emergencies, holidays, or our anniversary trip.  It would mean our debt would not get paid off by the deadline we made, which means finding a house that better suits our family or even building will get put off ANOTHER YEAR.  I personally, don’t think these puppies are worth that.  But they work, on day three I feel awesome and have gotten soo much done its insane.  Ugh damn you happy pills.

My body never ceases to amaze me

I woke up coughing this morning, after sleeping off and on due to more coughing and weird nightmares.  Yay what a fabulous night.  It was 7:30 and I was determined I was sleeping in, I’m sick after all I should get to sleep in.  But I couldn’t for some weird ass reason I was awake at 7:30 a.m.  If you’ve ever read my blog your jaw should be on the floor and eyes popping out of your head, I do not wake up easily, especially not before I’ve had my coffee.

I get up, make coffee for us, coffee for Bailey, aka chocolate milk, even make some for Jocelyn even though she was still asleep, before sitting down to enjoy my book.

People I have energy, like ENERGY with emphasis on the GEEEEEEE.  I still don’t feel sick in the sense that nothing in particular is bad enough to cause a fever, but I feel sick.  That icky feeling through your whole body, that dizzy sluggish feeling in your head, the puffy burning eyes with each blink.  I still have a very low fever but that’s IT, nothing else to indicate that my body is trying to fight something bad and foreign.  My sinus’ are acting up, however its not so bad that snot is pouring out of my nose, its just drainage, scratchy dry throat, and very mild congestion. 

The only reason I can see that I have energeee is that I took my pill last night.  Oh and by the way, remember yesterday I said that the pills cost $150 or something?  NOT ANYMORE, oh no, after signing up for a prescription plan at our pharmacy, plus using our insurance it came to a total of $224!  Yeah uh huh, screw you OCD and depression that is so not fair to also be so damn expensive.  Anyway, I took this million dollar pill last night, and now I have energy bubbling under the surface, while feeling sick and feverish. 

I am even more convinced that God has a sick since of humor, hehe. 

I’ve already made a mental list, again jaw on the floor because normally I cannot determine where to start, of what I need to do today.  It wasn’t hard, it was so freaking easy that after I did, which I didn’t realize I was even doing it in the first place, I was like hmm maybe I am really sick.  I want to go outside and do something because its already a gorgeous day.  I do not under any circumstances want to stay in this house feeling this poopy.  Again, jaw on floor, maybe even falling over into a shock induced coma.

The pills cannot have taken effect already, if anything right now I should be extremely dizzy with a freaky, drunkish headache, wanting nothing better than to sleep in bed for the next 3 months.  But I’m not, I feel bad, but I want to go outside.  I want to clean my house, and even know where to start.  I want to go do some shopping since we forgot as usual some obvious items last trip.  THIS is what Welbutrin did last time I was on it, when it was working.  The logistics of the pill working 16 hours after being ingested, it doesn’t add up but somehow its doing it.  Maybe my brain is going “Ok feet, you’re going to have to do this in a week, so lets get a start on it now and it won’t be so hard to adjust to later”.  Which is perfectly fine with me, I like energy and wanting to actually do things but wow, this is fast.

To give you a slight peek into my head on stuff to do, only because it gives me a chuckle since I AM NEVER like this the best ones are:

1) I have an idea for the backyard, around the fence we’re going to dig down a few inches, put some chicken wire up against the boards of the fence, fill in with dirt and top with maybe sand.  Hopefully this will keep one Polar Bear from digging to China or escaping from the backyard. 

2) I have an idea for my flower beds…um I have no green thumb, I grow weeds, yet somehow I’ve come up with something I find cool.  This is a triple decker uh oh.

3) I want to go to the office, sit down with my notebook and map out how I can turn it into our office.  I have never used this room, other than playing Rockband from time to time.  I need a work space other than the couch or the dining room table.  I need ONE place to store my business stuff, my writing stuff, and my recipe stuff.  We keep saying we’ll do this but have yet to do it. 

Do we all agree something is WAY off with me today??

It should be a Monday…

I’m really not sure where to start on today, its all either a laugh or a HUH WTF, and its only 1:00pm so I’m sure this day is going to be one craptastical event after another.

Hmm I guess I can start with my appointment.

10:45 is when my appointment was scheduled, yet I waited until after 11:20 before being called back.  Now normally I don’t mind waiting, I get that some days are busy and things come up so you have to wait, no biggie I get it.  But while I read my book, I heard all the laughter and talking that was going on by the people behind the desk.  It wasn’t an outrageous amount of non-activity but enough for me to go “Hmm either you have nothing to do or you’re trying to make a shitty day fun”.  I get called back, the lady checks my blood pressure, normal as usual, and my temp, 100.3, not so normal.  Totally throws me off, but I have had hot/cold crap all week that I shrugged off to being remnants of the pills leaving my system.  She sends me back to the waiting room, and I wait.  At this point I avoided glancing at the clock because it only irritated me.  I can wait but I wanted out of there, I was surrounded by sick peole.

Yes I get it, dr’s office is for sick people, helllllooo, but people were coughing and sneezing and ick.  Especially one little baby, she had to be around 6 months.  Her breathing sounded more like growling, and when she sneezed, well it didn’t sound like any sneeze I had ever heard but it had to have been one because right after that weird grunt thing, she had snot pouring out of her nose.  It was so sad.

I FINALLY get called back, talk to a nurse, then the doc and I’m now back on Welbutrin, what I took way back in the beginning that has worked far better than anything I’ve had so far.  Except, its $150 or something a month and when that got too much for us to afford I switched to the generic, that didn’t work at all, switched back and proceeded to have something close to a migraine every single day all day, for a few months before I gave up and switched to something new.  Before the switch it worked perfectly, I had energy, I felt awesome, I lost weight without even trying.  Haven’t had that feeling since, I’m crossing everything possible, asking any god I can think of to cover my bases, and hoping that it works like it did the first time.  Oh and hopefully the price won’t kick our butts so badly this time.

This is when things go off the cliff.

I go to Sonic, LOVE SONIC, and pick up something for my Mama and something for Bailey.  The total is $5.20, how do I remember that?  Well because my card won’t work.  The guy swiped the thing I don’t know how many times, took him a good 10 minutes total trying, and still my card was declined. WTF.  I managed to find $4.15 in my car, with only $2 being bills.  You do the math, the rest was a combo of quarters, nickels and dimes.  I only had three penny’s didn’t think they’d be much help.  I asked him if I sent the food back would my measly change work for the drinks, he smiled at me and said don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of it.  Sugar, honey and every other endearment I can’t think of right now, THANK YOU A MILLION TIMES OVER for feeling sorry for me.  I should have gotten your name and called in to your manager to say how awesome you are for trying to get my card to go through and then taking a handful of change that wasn’t enough for my purchase.  YOU ROCK MY FRIEND.

Now something else happened in my car while I was trying to find money, and that was the realization that Bo has stolen my checkbook again.  First time he took it from my purse and didn’t give it back.  I got it back and put it in MY car so I wouldn’t have to go through that whole embarrassing crap of not having it again and having to come back to pay.  He was driving my car while Miss was down, and took the thing AGAIN, or so I’m thinking that was when it happened. After I tell him about the card he said and I do quote from the IM that he sent me “that’s why i carry a checkbook, and one in my truck just in case... although right now i believe there are 2 in my truck so make sure I bring it in tonight...” OH YES HE DID.  Then I tell him I took my checkbook back and put it in my car, and get ”whatever it doesn't really matter... either way I'll bring one of them in if i have two in my truck and if not I'll get you another one out of the lockbox since you can't reach it well”.  Yup not only did I suffer from embarrassment A SECOND TIME thanks to you taking my checkbook, you have to remind me I’m short.  Thanks honey.

That Peanut Butter Fudge Concrete better be the size of a small elephant is all I have to say and YES there is more payment due my friend.

I get home.  Mama proceeds to tell me the cat threw up in the hallway.  Yay.  Luckily Joss didn’t get in it, but still hair ball in the floor of my hallway yuck.  Bailey was the one to find it, hot dog for my observant child.  Mama is not an animal person, and her telling me was so cute, she was very disgusted by it and having to clean it up.  She even confessed that she told Bailey that’s why she doesn’t have animals.  Love you Mama.  And again so sorry, she normally does this in the garage and its so much easier to clean up in there.

Bailey and I go grab the mail, and I find a letter from our bank.  Oh how funny, what are you going to tell me? My card has malfunctioned, CAUSE I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THIS.  Nope, its a notice saying there has been unusual activity on my card and it has been shut off, that they tried to contact us but couldn’t reach us.  Well that explains it.  I guess buying some supplies for the business, new boots, and some new headphones is outrageous activity….ok so it is for me since I normally buy from one website maybe once a month.  But still I did good considering the stuff I could have bought, where’s the appraisal for that Mr. Bank?  Bo called in, righted things and learned that somehow they have his old number from 3 years ago instead of his new one or mine….

Some of the supplies and the new headphones came in today, wish I could be excited but I’m sick.

Yup, sick.  NOW I feel like I have a fever.  NOW I notice how dizzy I am, how my whole body feels bad, not beat up bad but the whole thing doesn’t want to move.  Anything other than cuddling in my pj’s in my bed makes me dizzy and hurts my head.  My eyes burn and feel puffy when I blink, they also feel like they’re pounding, all the typical crap involved with fevers.  Why didn’t I feel like this earlier at the dr’s office so they could I don’t know check me somehow to see if its more than my sinus’ being an ass.  My throat, both up to my sinus’ and down toward my chest is scratchy and tender like I’m getting a sore throat.  I noticed it this morning, but thought it was because I had turned on the ceiling fan last night.  Apparently not, damnit 5 million fucking times.

THEN, oh yeah there is more.  I am sitting on the couch rubbing my temples trying to figure out how to survive until Bo gets home, when Bailey accidentally knocks over his Cherry Limeade a.k.a BRIGHT NEON PINK LIQUID onto the couch.  I gasp, and he SITS THERE WATCHING IT FLOW OVER THE COUCH.  I say like 5 times as fast as I could, pick it up Bailey, and he just sits there.  I get up, walk 6 feet and pick it up with him still sitting there watching it.  ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?  Its a damn good thing this has that stain-protective junk on it, because I managed to get it up without any pink leftovers.  He’s also very lucky that it wasn’t that bad of a spill, although at the time it was happening I was seeing Niagara Falls. When I asked him why he didn’t pick it up when I asked him to he said “Because I was watching it fall”.

If you refer to the top of the post, you’ll see I started this at 1pm, it is now 3:15, it has taken me 2 hours to write this, that is how crappy I am now feeling.  Just fabulous….

Here’s a laugh for you..

 Last Friday I did a lot of ‘work’, lots of research for the business, scheduling appointments, making all sorts of phone calls, blah blah.  I was pretty proud of all I managed to do in my dizzy half attentive state.

Then I noticed my calendar….

I was waiting on my lunch to heat up, I glanced at the calendar just to kill time when I noticed that the appointment I had set for myself on Friday, had the wrong doctor listed.  Hmm.  I shrugged it off, I just wrote down the wrong doctor, scribbled it out and added the right one.  I sat down to eat my lunch when my OCD kicked in, and I am saying right here and now THANK YOU OCD, you just saved me major embarrassment.

I checked the call history on my phone and noticed that I didn’t call the right doctor…so who the crap did I call?  Well to make sure it wasn’t just an alternative number I got switched to, I called my family doctor’s office and checked my appointment.  Only to find I HAD NOT MADE ONE.  Yup, insert giggle here, but wait it gets BETTER.  Luckily I was able to make an appointment for Friday, and the lady helping me, although laughing at what had happened, was very helpful.

The name I had put on my calendar was correct, and although he can help me with changing the happy pills, his expertise is as an OBGYN.  The mix up happened because on my list was to make my yearly exam, along with my yearly eye exam.  Can you imagine if I had called my eye dr.’s office instead. OMG the laughter.

I called to cancel my appointment and when I explained what happened, the lady burst into laughter and I joined her. 

I’m so glad my tardness has helped get a good laugh.

It’s Friday baby!!

Oh I cannot tell you how so very excited I am that today is Friday.  Not only do we have FlogYoBlog Friday to perk us up with fellow bloggers, but we have Nikki who is semi awake today. Yup. Mini tribal time. 

All week I’ve had that half awake, wired, so sleepy my eyelids feel like they have 100 pound weights on them, so tired I can barely comprehend 1+1=2 feeling.  I’m hoping that although its barely 9am, today I’m going to feel better.   I’ve had sleep, as consistent as it ever gets, and haven’t done anything too outrageous all week long.  You would think that would help, but nope these pills are kicking my butt for daring to stop taking them.

Screw you Paxil, I win you lose. MWAHAHAHA.

Although I am thrilled that I may function halfway like a human and less like a zombie today, I’m more excited that its FRIDAY.  Friday means Bo is home for two days.  Friday means cuddling longer in bed with my honey.  Friday means Sunday is around the corner and I get to go to my parents for some awesome cooking.  Friday is my favorite day of the week, as I’m sure it is for most of you.  It also means I can look back on the week, smack myself in the forehead, smile, or learn from all the failures and improve…or all of the above as is most weeks.

Are you celebrating your Friday?  Any big plans for the weekend?  Wanna share with us?  I know I need more ideas, LOL.

You know those days

When everything sucks ass. And not just a small, firm round ass, but one the size of Connecticut with moles and hair and cellulite. One that’s so scary you’re afraid of getting sucked in if you stand too close. That was my day yesterday. Nothing went right, I could barely stay awake, and it didn’t matter what it was it pissed me off.

Bailey being his usual talkative self, trying to get me to play make believe with him, anything he can think of to get me to talk and go along with the story line he’s created, pissed me off. I don’t know why or how but his little voice grated on my nerves yesterday like nails on a chalk board. I knew it was wrong and there was nothing he was doing to cause me to be so mad, which in turn ticked me off more because I had no right to be acting like that. Then there’s sweet Jocelyn, who is teething something fierce and the slightest thing sets her off into a fit of screaming. I can relate to her, because I was there yesterday, but at the same time her little fits and frustrations, her little breaking heart…well you guessed it, pissed me off. By the time Bo got home last night I was at my wits end, mainly with myself for acting like such a douche , but I will admit I was thrilled like I won the lottery at knowing I could hand them over and ignore them. Except it turned to him, when all he was trying to do was make sure I got the appointment to get on something new and not walk away and try to be Superwoman by not taking anything. Somehow his help, in my head, sounded more like I can’t possibly survive without medication and I’m a retard for thinking I can for even a day. His words were something like “They seem to be really busy these days, since I had to reschedule and make my appointment weeks from now. I wouldn’t wait until next week to call, because they may not be able to fit you in next week”. Even when he said it I understood what he meant, but somehow my brain processed it way off and I got mad. We got into an argument over him being helpful and being worried about me. The day sucked majah ass.

Why am I like this? Because I stopped taking the happy pills on Saturday. Why? Because apparently I’m stupid and asking for punishment. A few days ago we saw a commercial about Paxil (my pill at the moment) and it causing breast cancer. Um yeah, for someone who worries about every known illness, disease and what have you, that is not the commercial to show me. The Paxil wasn’t working that well anyway and I was totally ready for a new med or something that would help me. I saw this commercial and my mind was made up, no more Paxil. But that means this. Or better yet, THIS, because it’s not something easy to handle or ignore or move past. The slightest thing pisses me off, or makes me cry or ruins my day. I need a pill just for this, that’s sad.

The plan is that I get on something new next week and hopefully it will work. Hopefully by then, this weird funk will go away. Although I know I’ll go through something similar getting used to a new pill, but coming off of a pill always kicks my butt. Or so Bo says, I cannot remember ever feeling like this before and hearing that I always do something like this makes me hate it even more. Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and not need this crap to get through my day? Why can’t I be ‘normal’ and be able to work through situations rationally, instead of having panic/anxiety attacks? But most of all, why am I forgetting so much?

P.S. that pink fuzz ball in my arms was a gift from Bo yesterday. It’s a huge pink rabbit, soft and squishy. Perfect for cuddling and for making me smile. Thank you babe, it helped I promise!

He hasn’t told me his name yet, but we’re open to suggestions.

On Friday I switched happy pills. The old ones had stopped working or should I say never started once I began taking them again. My paranoia and OCD was getting louder every day. I was panicking over all sorts of things, my energy level was non-existent and my weight was fluctuating up and down by 4 pounds. That is scary to go from 4 lbs lighter to heavier in one day and the next day go back down. Don’t ask me how that is possible but it was happening every few days. Shitty metabolism is such a cute little monster. My sleep wasn’t too great, so the doc also prescribed sleeping pills. Which, have yet to do anything other than make me more exhausted during the day. I feel like I’ve stayed up all night long, I’m almost too tired to sleep. Add on the new happy pills and I feel like I’ve drank 5 pots of coffee or I’m on that thin line between a good buzz and wasted. It is fun and funny but a bit scary. The world is going by fast around me like I’m on a roller coaster and I’m hanging on for dear life. My eyes can’t focus on anything for very long; the object seems to shake ever so slightly making me dizzy. If this is what my dr. means by feeling weird for a few days that is a mild explanation. As long as they eventually work then I can handle this. Oh and no headaches, I am sick of those damn headaches if these cause the headaches we’re trying something new.

Yesterday I was typing up an email, it wasn’t very long but it took me 15 minutes to write. I had to write a word or two at a time because I could not focus on the screen. Which means I won’t be writing on my projects any time soon. I’m not happy about that because I haven’t really been able to write for a while. Everything I seem to write turns into crap and I have to delete it. So no progress in months…nay years. Everything I’ve written in the past two years is crap, utter crap. I have one story that I have written for my class that is worth anything. One story in two years is terrible, even more so because it is a short story. I try to be positive, I continue to write but I keep failing big time and I’m frustrated. Will I ever be able to pick this up again? Will my muse ever come back? Or has my depression killed it all? I hope not, I love writing and I miss it terribly.

I hope the new happy pills work. I hope they get rid of the OCD again, and the paranoia, give me back energy and help me lose weight again. I also hope that I’ll be able to write. I feel incomplete, like I’m forgetting something and its all because I’m not writing. I’m not writing in any of my journals, I’m not writing anything really and that is bad, bad. I need to get the ideas out of my head it helps me think, but I can’t think enough to write.

Mirror, mirror on the wall

It wasn’t that long ago that looking in the mirror was horrifying for me. I would avoid it at all costs. When I had to look in one, I’d focus on one thing like my hair if I was fixing it or my teeth when I brushed. Looking anywhere else caused too much pain. I knew I was fat, and hated myself more and more everyday when nothing helped me lose, looking in the mirror only made it worse. It was honest and knowing I was fat and admitting I was fat was one thing, seeing I was fat was much harder to handle. Once the happy pills kicked in I was finally able to look in the mirror and see myself and not the ugly crone that had appeared before. I finally saw how fat I was, and I didn’t like it but I could admit that ignoring it wasn’t helping. Even when I started losing weight I didn’t notice a difference in the mirror. I noticed my face; I focused on that only, as much as I possibly could. When I did dare to glance down, nothing looked different. I knew it had to be different, my clothes were smaller, the scale said lighter yet I didn’t see it. The hubby and others kept telling me how “small” I was getting, I did not look small and I hated it when people said it because if it was true then why wasn’t I seeing it. Then the hubby started saying things that even now doesn’t seem so amazing, but the sound in his voice and the way he looks at me says it is to him. Like the fact that he can put his arm completely around my waist. While shopping he has always put his hand on my waist or held my belt loop, I do the same thing if he has the cart. Now he has his whole arm wrapped around me. I have to admit I love it that he does this, and it isn’t only when we’re shopping, whenever we walk side by side he does this, and even when sitting on the couch. He acts like it’s a huge accomplishment; I still just smile and say ok honey because I don’t think it’s big. Since we moved in together he has pulled back the shower curtain when I was in the shower and made some comment on how sexy I was while smiling mischievously. I have always laughed and slung water at him and called him sick. It’s our morning ritual. But lately when he says it with that smile, his eyes travel more; his voice is lower, less playful, more sexual. Before it would just be playful and something cute he liked to do, but now, now I want him to get into the shower with me and do to me what his eyes say. I have never doubted that he found me sexy or beautiful, because his eyes have always told me the truth, but now it’s more intense. I don’t feel ashamed or hurt that he didn’t do this quite as much before, I feel good that he is doing it now. I feel like things have changed and the little things he does now just proves it.

So today before my shower, knowing he’d probably scare me once again by yanking the shower curtain back, I stood in front of the mirror and really truly looked. There is looking and then there is looking. I would see the stretch marks or how fat my thighs were, I would see the lovely belly pooch or how my once nice ass has deserted me for something less perky and round. Before my head could get ugly I told myself that my jeans are smaller, my weight is much better and people are telling me left and right how great I look, that I have to see what they see. If there had been a camera in there I’m sure people would get a good laugh at me turning slowly in a circle with a look on my face that most people get when shopping for a car. Every time the words stretch mark or fat entered my mind I reminded myself on what was better, like the fact that I am now a size 8. Yippee skippy! I graduated high school an 11 Jr. which I still have some of those jeans and they fall off, FALL OFF PEOPLE. Ok so there I was naked, turning in circles and I noticed SOMETHING. My belly pooch is gone, well mostly gone but compared to what it was it’s GONE. Turning sideways showed me just how GONE it is, you can barely see it. My butt is smaller and damn near close to what it once was, eeeeee. My arms are smaller, my legs are smaller. The more I looked the more little things I noticed, and the angrier I got. Angry? Yeah angry at the fact that even though I’m seeing changes I still get the thought that I look just as shitty as I did before. Then bam there was that fat ass cow staring back at me in the mirror. How does my mind do it? I stood there with a dazed look on my face because only seconds before my body had looked damn good and now I wanted to go crawl in bed and cry. UGGGGHHHH!

I jumped in the shower trying very hard not to cry, and yelling at myself for being a tard for my imagination. What was the real me? Was it the one that had a flatter tummy than I have had in oh 8 years or so? Or was it the other one, with the fat ass, humongous thighs and a pooch big enough to make a kangaroo jealous? I was so angry that I didn’t notice that the hubby didn’t come scare me until after I was wrapped in a towel and picking out my hair. When he finally came into the bathroom I suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. I didn’t want him to see the hideousness so I rearranged my towel. I glanced up to see him watching me. I don’t know if he did it on purpose or not but his eyes were glued to my boobs for a few seconds before they headed back up to my eyes and he finished his sentence. We talked while he got ready and every so often his eyes would wander. It made me feel better, not much but a little. It did make me a bit brave. So I dropped the towel, put on my new Victoria Secret undies and matching bra. He of course had to comment on the thong, in a very boyish way that made me laugh. The look in his eyes as he watched me was encouragement enough, and I walked out of the room to get my clothes knowing he was watching me leave. When he left for work, he put his arm around my waist and kissed me goodbye. Something about his arm snaking its way around my waist made my insides melt and what was left of that horrible feeling of hideousness disappeared.

Today when I walk by any mirror I look. I look and I just keep reminding myself that I finally weigh 150, which is way out of the obese section, and I’m a size 8. But because I am getting new jeans every month, I’m holding out on buying new ones for the moment. It’s too expensive, the 10’s still fit me and I have more to lose so I’m saving my money for permanent clothes. I have 7lbs left for my next small goal and 15 for my main. And the best part about it is that I am no longer ashamed to say these numbers. No they aren’t fabulous, but they are better than 180 and a size 16.

I'm back for the moment

It has been far too long since I stopped by for a visit. I actually missed the café. I’ve been arguing with my body all these weeks on whether to get sick or not. Every year I either get a horrendous cold that lasts the entire winter season, or I get sinus headaches. This year I have the headaches along with drainage, yummy. So if you hear something that sounds like a seal barking, don’t worry that’s just me coughing up my spleen. While dealing with the decision of whether to get sick or not, I have been visited by a teething monster. My son is a very quiet, self entertained child who minds better than most adults. Yes oh yes I thank God daily for this blessing. I made the mistake of complaining a few months back that the poor guy had only a couple of teeth and how I was afraid of him eating pureed carrots until he was 5. The teething god must have heard me because he swished his magic wand and now my dear sweet boy is getting 8 teeth at one time. EIGHT FUCKING TEETH PEOPLE! The 6 teeth he already had started bothering him around 6 months, yet the first one didn’t fully pop through until he was about 11 months. Once his first two teeth arrived, he was his sweet little self for a few weeks then the next two started. And of course they took months to come through. At 18 months he had 6 teeth, that was last month by the way, and now all of a sudden these little suckers are popping through like nothing I have ever seen. He’s in pain, and he’s handling it better than I could hope for. Yet, because I’m used to a child who listens and who doesn’t need to be cuddled and played with 24/7 and who doesn’t throw fits very often, having a child who throws himself on the floor and cries bloody murder just because he dropped his cup I am clueless on what to do. I give him Tylenol and teething tablets and they don’t seem to work for him, takes after his mama there. I apologize to him daily on how very sorry I am I ever made the comment that I wish he’d get them all at once so the teething process could be over with. Mama is so very sorry Peanut.

Let’s see….. My moods are getting much better. The only day’s I have vegetated on the couch are the days that the headaches and the yummy drainage was so bad I felt like shit run over by a freight train. And even then I still got up and did something. I just couldn’t stand or sit for a long period of time without getting woozy, hence why I haven’t posted. I haven’t had a headache in a few days and the drainage has tripled its flow to make up for it I guess, but at least I can get up and do things. Just talking about all this makes me hungry for ousters. Even though I have felt terrible I have still been in good spirits and didn’t let the dragon to kick my ass again. I’m very proud and happy with that. Before the happy pills, getting sick and staying on the couch would bring the dragon on. I can now have a day on the couch if I choose to and not hate myself the next day. See, improvement here.

Missing marbles

I know this first week on the happy pills is just a beginning. That it will take months of meds and therapy to really see a difference. I’ve been having a good week. Whether it’s from the meds, or from the fact that it’s finally all out in the open, I do not know. So far though, my week hasn’t been any more productive then the last few. My mind is wandering all over the place, my memory is non existent. I have two short stories due, and can not turn on my imagination to finish them. I just can’t. I stare at the piece of paper like I’m doing brain surgery on someone. I have no freaking clue as to what I’m looking at, or what I’m supposed to do or how do it or what will happen in the end. I DON”T KNOW! That really does sum it up, you can ask me a question and I just don’t know. I can’t think. I have felt dumb in the past, many many many times, but now I am dumb. I have lost my marbles at last. I start taking the full dose of meds on Sunday. I’m hoping that because these pills have such a low dose, that it will only affect my brain like this temporarily. That when the good stuff kicks in, I will be back to normal, or as close to normal as I ever was. This new dumb Annalise is annoying, degrading and tiresome. I lose my train of thought every few minutes, and I forget what people say faster than I used to. I space out many times throughout the day and I have no clue to what I was thinking of afterward. It’s creepy and extremely frustrating.

On a side not, I am happy that I finally got this all out there. I’ve told a few people, and most are walking on egg shells around me. Like they think being normal will hurt me in some way. Only I and my husband seem to laugh at the jokes I make concerning my happy pills and me being officially nuts. I get odd looks, and funny laughs but it’s like they think it will scar me more if they laugh. I know depression is a serious problem, but come on laugh about it people. I’ve lived the past 10 years of my life hating every single thing about myself, feeling completely unworthy and unwanted. Now I know it’s because of this evil dragon I’ve been carrying around. It’s not because those things are true, not that I love myself anymore than I used to, but everything was magnified to outrageous proportions. So why not joke? Why dwell on all the bad stuff more? Why give it more power to drag me down again? That won’t make me feel any better; laughter will make me feel better. I’ve been way to serious dealing with all this; I’ve lost out on fun and life. Not that I want to pull a Britney and show my ass to the world, but I want to have a little fun. So if I joke about me being officially nuts and doped up on happy pills, just giggle. Oh and please stop asking me if I’m ok. Of course I’m not 100% ok; otherwise I wouldn’t need the meds and the therapy. I’m ok in the sense that I’m getting help and I finally have a doctor backing me up on what is wrong with me. I’m ok because I caught it way before it got deadly. I’m ok with talking about it. See, I am a little nuts but I will be alright.