Saying another goodbye

Just a few days ago I lost my Uncle Gene.  I'm still in shock and disbelief.  He was 79, relatively healthy, until one thing after another snowballed and well now he's gone.  

I don't care how old you are or how old the person is, losing someone is an emotional hell.

So far I'm ok though.  I feel sad and that utterly lost feeling I always get when a death has occurred, but I'm ok.  Tomorrow I probably won't be anymore...funerals always do me in.

I keep thinking that if he could, Uncle Gene would smack me upside the head for being said or even thinking about becoming sad.  That's not how he worked.  He was goofy, ornery and someone that you wanted to hang out with.

Did you know that he's the reason I have a fear of heights? LOL true story.  See he was 6'3 or thereabouts and one of his favorite past times was putting me, who clearly took after my dad's side of the family by being really short, on top of things for giggles.  Like the refrigerator.  Or the top of the kitchen cabinets some 10 feet in the air.  Which to a child of 4 was like 300 feet.  He'd put me there then tell me to jump, that he'd catch me.  I knew he would, he always did.  He'd stare up at me with this ornery grin, while I was terrified and thinking that if I was just a bit bigger, I'd kick his butt for tormenting me.  Don't think I hid from him whenever he came to visit, oh no, I gravitated toward this tall, funny man, just like everyone else did.  I enjoyed his ornery side, even if he did scare me sometimes.

That is my all time favorite memory of him.  I have many more, but I won't share them.  Needless to say, when I think back to when I was little, I think of that man in the picture.  I think of all the jokes he told, all the stories he told, all the holidays of trying to sneak a picture of him sleeping on the couch before he caught me. There are so many memories of him...

Uncle Gene, I miss you already.  I miss talking history with you.  I miss your jokes and laughter.  I will miss you calling the turkeys and not being able to tell the difference between you and them.  No one can sound like a turkey, quite like you did.  I will miss your burned green beans (the only way I ever cook them thanks to you).  I will miss hearing you say asspagrass for asparagus.  I miss fishing with you.  I miss riding around your farm, driving over huge piles of giant mulch and through the blueberries in your Mule (or whatever it was; some sort of supped up golf cart is the only way I can explain it).  I could list everything, but I just miss you.  I will forever miss you.  I love knowing that you and I were a lot alike, and I will always treasure that. You weren't just Mama's big brother, you were a big brother to us all.  Please take care of Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Merle, Uncle Troy and the babies for me ok?  Tell them all hi, that I miss them something fierce and they are always, always on my mind.

I love you,

What a day...

I got news this morning that one of my uncles passed away, it was cancer.

My first thought was for my aunt, my Mama's sister, and all their kids, grandkids  and great grandkids.  How hard today is for all of them and how there's nothing I can do.  A hug and an apology doesn't really help on days like today.  My heart goes out to them anyway, losing a family member is tough, when it's a parent it's crippling.

My next thought was that I barely knew this man and considering he was on the side of the family that spent holidays together and weekend gatherings and yearly reunions, that's crazy.  I saw him a lot growing up and yet I don't know him well.  He was a quiet man for the most part, he and my dad would set and talk but I don't remember ever having many conversations with him myself.  He was cooky and quiet my Uncle Troy, or at least that's how I remember him.  I may not have known him enough but he was my uncle, and I still love him and will miss him.

Then my cousin pointed something out that well I'm still in shock over.  Twelve years ago my grandma died on this day, my uncle (her son) died almost to the hour one year later.  Now it's Uncle Troy.  On top of that it's my aunt's birthday, who was married to my uncle who passed 11 years ago AND it's my oldest sister's birthday...what are the odds?

When Uncle Merle died we all said Grandma just wanted him home with her.  Maybe they were lonely and wanted Troy with them too..;).

This song was one of Grandma's favorites, she used to say that Vince Gill was the most beautiful man she'd ever seen and heard.  It makes me think of you Grandma, Merle and now you Troy, every time I hear it.


Goodbye Uncle Troy, you were and still are loved by those who knew you and you will be missed. 

Sadness

Last night tornadoes came through our area.  Living in tornado alley that's really not all that unheard of, but it actually came over our town, over us, which rarely happens.  We had hail, I haven't checked/heard yet how big it was but it sounded bigger than pea size.  We're guessing quarter sized.  It's a good thing I saw the news update on the web to know to bring our cars into the garage.  And we're going to get storms of the same level for the next few nights.

There is damage all around us, the worst is in Joplin Missouri, where people have quoted 75% of the town is gone.  This isn't a small town, well it's small compared to New York or LA but for me who lives in a town with MAYBE 13,000 people and grew up in one that had less than a thousand, 45,000+ people is a big town.  One of the IT boys has family there and has an aunt missing.  He's up there as we speak helping his family.

I'm thinking of you today Todd, hope they find her safe and sound.

I normally don't post about this kind of stuff, and I should, but I tend to stay clear of headline news because it's already everywhere anyway.  But for things like these I really should, and so should you.  The more people aware of these disasters means more help for those affected by the storms. 

My heart goes out to all the families who lost someone last night and all those dealing with the giant mess that was left behind.

It only took three cases of Redbull

I am better today.  Not great but better. 

And I think it has to do with me berrying myself in everything from Facebook games, to historical research, to random celebrity stalker websites.  I focused on everything else yesterday so I wouldn't have time to think. 

Although that means I did nothing around the house minus making dinner.  Cleaning lets my brain roam sometimes, so no housework.  Didn't want the bad thoughts to consume me.  Plus I already felt all blue and mushy without thinking; didn't want to find out how much worse I would feel if I did.

Well that and two lovely people who sent me encouraging messages yesterday.  Thank you Jo and Jill!  And of course my Honey Cheeks for checking in on me last night.  MWUAH thank you all.

I'm done letting my emotions ruin this time for us.  We have a new nephew and that is far more important than my 'drama'. 

Feeding my dragon today

Last night baby Wyatt Ely R. was born weighing in at 6lbs15oz and 19 1/2 inches long. 

I should be rejoicing and happy and all that involved with having a new baby in the family.  But I'm not.

I can't.

The kids and I stayed home since we're still sniffly but Bo headed to the hospital to be there with the family.  I actually asked him to wait until he was born before leaving.  Not because it could be 4am before he got back home like he thought, it was because I wanted him with me and not there.  With a new baby. 

I was keeping it all in until Bo asked what was wrong with me.  Which was when I got mad, it was like he hadn't been paying attention to what I've been saying if he had to ask that question.  Did I not tell you that having K and J pregnant right now was kicking my ass?  That I just wanted to cry knowing they are going through something I'll never get to experience again?  HELLOO.  He says he was hoping it was something he'd done to piss me off and not that.  Because then it would be something that he could fix, this is something he can't.  Then he said he felt guilty for getting snipped because of how badly I feel.

Even though it was a decision we made, and one I still agree with 100%, I can't help that I want more.  And it kills me to know he feels guilty like it's his fault.

He says I'm heartbroken.

I say I'm being stupid.

He says it will get easier plus we've always talked about adopting someday.

I say I'm afraid to see this baby.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold him or look at him without crying and people are going to notice and I'll have to explain.  How do you explain something you don't understand?  And adopting...that's years away before it will happen.  It doesn't help me right now.

I feel like such a jerk right now. 

Help stop stupidity!!

I truly don't know where to start, this issue has gotten me so pissed off I keep rambling whenever I try to write this post.

I try to stay clear of political and religious topics.  But this is one time where I'm not going to keep quiet.  AS IT IS THE MOST FUCKING RETARDED THING I'VE HEARD THIS YEAR.

A man named Bobby Franklin, a rep for Georgia, is trying to pass a bill that abortions (and anything considered an abortion including D&C's) shall be punishable by death.  Not only is that stupid in and of itself, but if you have a miscarriage you have to file a freaking report.  All cases (so it seems) must be reported and will be investigated to make sure you didn't do it on purpose.

I'm including this blog post that I read this morning which, inspired this post.

Don't go all abortion is murder on me, I know that.  I think everyone is smart enough to knows that.  If some girl gets knocked up by her boyfriend and gets an abortion without telling anyone, she needs to seek counselling.  If some chick has sex with lots of random guys and has periodic abortions, the chick needs major counselling and jail time.  A death sentence however IS RETARDED AS RETARDED CAN BE.  But if someone is raped, or can't take care of themselves let alone a baby including the medical care they need while pregnant, or if it's a life or death situation, leave them alone, they are going through enough as it is.  So yeah, for me, it depends on the situation, but in the end it's still ending a life.

I can see why this goober thought of this bill, but the sad part that he obviously never thought of or it never managed to chip inside his iceberg head, is that the people who will pay the most are those who are in pain because of a loss they couldn't prevent or because they had no other choice.  Yeah I do agree those who do abortions as if it's no big deal should be punished in some way, not by death I mean come on, but the majority of women going through them are shaken up and in pain because of their situation.  Like they need more anguish added on!  Yes, there should be a punishment but it should depend on the situation.  And yes, yes I know that you can't find that out without an investigation, but seriously there are ways of finding out without torturing those innocent in a terrible situation  I think this bill is absolutely, 100% stupid and unnecessary.

If you want to punish those who are committing actual murder and doing things on purpose to lose the pregnancy, go after them please, but leave everyone else alone.

My secret

I've struggled with whether I should write this post or not.  It's very personal, although it's rare that I don't share personal issues, this one hurts.  But this is something that is really torturing me as of late, and it's something I shouldn't hide from.

Last month was a big month for me.  On July 7, 2004 I had my first miscarriage, the due date was January 10th, then I lost another pregnancy in January of 2008.  It's painful, those two things all on their own, but when you add that with the three people I know who are pregnant right now and that I'll never be pregnant again...well it's no wonder I've had days of struggling to get out of bed.

I picked an awesome time to stop my meds didn't I??

I've had to tell myself over and over, almost daily, why we had Bo snipped.  Because that pain and that need to have more is still very strong.  Even though I know it was the right decision, the BEST decision for our family, it still hurts. 

My niece is one of those pregnant.  And let me just say that the whole back story to this is terrible, pathetic and is down right disgusting, so much so that I'd love to have weeks of bashing the pathetic excuse for a human that is the reason she's going to be a single mother.  However I can't, as it probably wouldn't help her in finalizing a divorce where she gets custody.  Even though I'd be the crazy aunt raving about him and his retarded, brainwashing, twisted group he calls his family, and they are desperate enough use it against her.  Although I can claim I'm crazy and maybe the judge would let it slide...I know it would make me feel better if I could bash his sorry ass.

But I digress.

It's been really hard to be positive and excited about this with her and my family.  But I have been, as much as I can anyway.  This isn't about me, in any way, shape or form and my personal issues have no place for this situation.  So I've kept it quiet, barely even mentioning it to Bo.  It hasn't been easy at all, trying to be 'ok' with this for everyone.  But I will, and I will keep my pity party in my head and out of the conversations. 

I know better than to keep stuff inside, but in this case I have to for the most part. 

I'm not mad at K, or the other two I know who are pregnant, I'm happy for them.  I'm just not excited.  I don't blame them but I am a little jealous that they get to experience this and I'll never be able to again.  And I'll be there for them as much as I can, and I hope I'm able to keep all this to myself so I don't make it tough for them.  It's my problem after all.

I wish this didn't hurt so much. 
 

Happy Birthday

Dear Grandma,

Today marks the 98th anniversary of the day you were born.  It's one of my favorite days, although it's also one of the saddest.

It's now been eleven years since you passed; a lifetime without you it seems.  And still my eyes tear up at the thought that I can't pick up the phone to hear your voice or hug you or see that beautiful smile of yours. 

After all this time, it's still so hard to think of you without tears or pain.  That's how much you mean to me, to all of us.  I believe that we keep you alive by thinking of you.  So many things remind me of you, and I'd like to think you know this.  That each time I think of you, you 'wake up' and hear me and what I'm saying.  Otherwise all those conversations with you in my head are for nothing and I really need stronger meds, haha. 

There isn't much I can say that you don't already know, as I know you watch over us.  Dena and I have too many similar dreams, only days apart about you to be otherwise.  Plus I can feel you when I cook, did you know that?  I may hate to cook at times, but I love the way it makes me feel like you're standing there beside me helping.  And tell Grandpa I love it when he visits.   I love the smell of his pipe and it never fails to make me laugh a little at how sudden and how strong it is.   Also, tell him to do it when Bo is around next time; he's only smelled the pipe once.

I'm sure you're excited that you're going to be a great great grandma for the third time.  The circumstances may not be the best for K, but it's still a blessing and another person will be on the planet that has a part of you inside them.  K's baby is going to be another in a long line of incredible people, and it's all because of you.

Thank you Grandma.  Thank you for everything you did for me while you were here with me.  Thank you for a million little things that still make me smile.  Thank you for being the incredible woman you were.  My only complaint, is I didn't get to have you in my life long enough. 

Hugs and kisses...

Love you like the moon loves the stars...

The ‘nothing’

The past few days my mind has been a blank.  I know why, tomorrow is Jocelyn’s birthday.  I’m sad, as of tomorrow she will no longer be a baby.  She’ll be a toddler.  I’ve mentioned this enough times I’m sure all of you are like “Come on Nikki give it a rest.  We get it, move on already”.  Well boo to you, its my blog I can bitch all I want about my baby growing up.  ~sticks tongue out~

My babies are miracle babies.  I can’t help but want to hold onto them as long as I can.  Five pregnancies and only two babies, how can I not get emotional at milestones?  Five pregnancies and only two babies… I feel jipped, I feel cheated and I guess that's why knowing that she’s my last hurts so badly.  I know what a miracle they are, and I had it easy compared to some.  The thought that tomorrow is her first birthday, the last first birthday I’ll get to share with my child, the last first everything, it breaks my heart into a million pieces.  No I don’t resent Bo or hate him or anything for his choice for not wanting more.  He’s the logical one in this relationship.  He’s right, I couldn’t mentally handle the rollercoaster that is trying to conceive and pregnancy and delivery.  No matter how much I want another one, no matter how much I love my babies, I’m going to cause enough problems with my issues I don’t need to add more fuel to the fire.  I can’t help but be sad, and wish I could do it just one more time, I think I will always be like this as hard as it is to admit.  But its not his fault, its mine.  Well my brains fault, since I cannot help what my brain does to me.  That is the only thing I blame and am pissed off at. 

The movie Never Ending Story, is one of my childhood favorites and I still watch it and enjoy it to this day.  But the Nothing, its more than some weird being in a children’s story.  It’s real and its in my head.  Its where I go when things get hard.  Its where I retreat to to help the thoughts go away.  Because if I don’t, bad things happen.  Bad things that still to this day I have a hard time talking about.  Things that I have trouble remembering because I’ve blocked it out.  Even with happy pills, it takes over and clouds my mind.  Scary to think that I’m thankful for it, because I know what happens without it.

Tomorrow I will try my hardest to not let the Nothing take over because I cannot miss this.  I cannot miss her first birthday, I want to remember it.  I won’t let it destroy tomorrow.  Even if that means I have to plaster a smile on my face and fake it.  It’s been a while since I’ve had to, but after having 10 years of doing it daily I think I’m an old pro at it.  Just like riding a bike……

 

Reaching the miles to hold you

Miss, my dear dear friend, has lost a relative, by suicide. She was 29, just a year older than I, with two kids. She shot herself over the weekend.


Over the years that we’ve known each other, Miss has been there for me for all the losses I’ve had. She’s always so positive, so comforting, and giving me hope that all will eventually be easier to handle. Now it’s my turn to do this for her and I find it horrible and painful that I can’t knock on her door, grab her in my arms and bawl with her. I can’t hold her and let her spill out her pain and stories of her cousin until she falls asleep. I feel like a bad friend that I can’t give her more comfort and support than saying I’m sorry. I’m not good with death, it frightens me and it pisses me off, so it leaves me at a loss for words. When she told me what happened, even through texts I could hear how upset she was. I’ve read her blogs and it is just aggravating that I’m not there for her in the flesh to help.

Miss I love you. I want you to know that I’m here for you, if you need to call and cry and just have me sit there and listen, I’m your girl. Whatever you need, let me ok. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you. I’m sorry that this happened. I’m so so sorry for your cousin and how incredibly unhappy and depressed she must have been to do such a thing. I hope she’s found peace.

What might have been

I just noticed the date a little while ago and it dawned on me what might have been. If I hadn’t had one or both miscarriages, I would have a one year old right now. Not only that, if I hadn’t had my first miscarriage back in 2004, I would have an almost 5 year old. I know it’s not healthy to think like that. But it’s hard not to.

The first one we saw on an ultrasound. There was a baby. A baby that we didn’t name because we couldn’t. I wish we had, and we still could but I’m not sure that it would help with the closure. We remember it every January 10th because that was my due date. The other two was a whirlwind and I know my due dates were something like September 23rd and November 25th or something to that extent. My head was so cloudy that I truly can’t remember the dates and that makes me feel terrible. These two were chemical pregnancies as some call them, or a blighted ovum. I was pregnant long enough to get a positive test but for whatever reason the pregnancy ended soon after. These two, for sure no baby formed or even had a chance to form. But still they are babies to me.

I have two beautiful children, that mean the world to me and I’m so very thankful to have them in my life. But what about the three I lost? What about them? They never had a chance. They never had a heartbeat. They never got to live.

Some say things like it wasn’t really a life. If that works for you, then great, knock yourself out. But it hurts like a bitch to think they weren’t ‘a life’. Ok, I can handle it wasn’t meant to be, but still it hurts to hear this. If it wasn’t meant to be, then why did I get pregnant? Why did that test say positive? It shouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t meant to be. But obviously it wasn’t, because it ended. They ended, all three of them.

I feel bad for thinking about them because it doesn’t mean I’m not thankful for Bailey and Jocelyn. I feel bad because if those losses hadn’t happened then they wouldn’t be here. But not thinking about them, not remembering or missing or aching for them, what does that mean? It means they didn’t happen. That they didn’t matter. And that is not true. They meant a great deal. They mattered to me, and to Bo. They still matter even if only a few people acknowledge they existed even if it was only for a moment or two.

I can tell myself over and over that Bailey and Jocelyn just weren’t ready yet. That the angels were still putting the finishing touches on them, and I jumped the gun before they were ready. I can tell myself that those losses weren’t losses that they were things just getting prepared for the munchkins to be here in their right time. I can tell myself this, and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t make it easier to think about them. It doesn’t make that feeling of devastation knowing I never got to see, touch or hear them go away.

You add on this ache I have inside me to have more kids, and it’s no wonder I have to burry myself in research, reading, writing, and all around nonsense to get through my day without crying or screaming. I’m missing out on my childrens lives because I’m so hurt by the ones I lost. I’m so hurt by the thought of not having more. I’m struggling with my dragon on a daily basis. All this going on in my head, non stop 24/7, driving me mad and all I can do is bury myself in mindless crap to get through.

The pills aren’t enough. I’m still missing out on my life, on my family’s life. On everything good and happy that is around me. The dragon loves happy thoughts, it gobbles them up like M&M’s. I have a great marriage, two great kids, a home, food on the table and warmth, I have a happy life that I can’t enjoy. Can anyone tell me how that happens? How you can have what you need in life, want in life, and it makes you happy yet you can’t be happy?

Gone but not forgotten

I took my book with me today, in hopes that on the ride there it would distract me enough to stay calm. And it did, it worked for the most part. But I had to leave it in the car. I couldn’t take it with me, and I wish I could have. Because what awaited me, was too horrible by far, and the nice vampire world was a comfort I needed.

Inside that small funeral home were two coffins, one for my good friend Toney, and one small one for his son Elijah. They were white with gold fixtures, and that’s as much detail as I got from them. They showed a video of photos of both of them, with songs playing. One of my favorites was a photo of Toney giving the camera the bird, everyone laughed because that was so Toney. The second one, and the last photo on the video, was of both of them together. Elijah looked so much like Toney. I was fine until the preacher started his speech. He told how old they both were, to the day. Then he began telling stories of them.

My heart was in my throat from the moment I walked into that building. And when he began talking about how great with kids Toney was, and how full of life Elijah was, it was like my heart was trying to burst out of me. I had to swallow my screams, my tears because I knew if I let it out it would be so loud and so pitiful everyone would turn to me. I almost left, because I didn’t think I could handle it. I thought I made it in the door, and now I can’t do this. I cannot listen to this man tell me how great of a father Toney was, how wonderful he was with his friends, because I knew it. I couldn’t listen to him tell the story of how Toney would pick up his cousin from school, and how her friends thought she was being picked up by some older guy. He played the part of the boyfriend by asking loudly if she was ready to go to the movies or dinner, because he knew what that would do for her. He was a jokester, he was a loving person, he was a friend, a helper, a good person, who had it rough, who made some bad choices, who died way way too early. I couldn’t listen to the man talk about Elijah, and how he did everything to the fullest. He threw himself into everything as much as his little self could. Life was one huge adventure for him, and he was on the edge of his seat to experience it. He was not afraid of anything or anyone and showed it by putting up his fist and threatening to punch someone. I didn’t need to hear it, I knew it. I knew it because Toney told me, because I witnessed it, because I knew him and loved him. And now their gone and this man, this man is trying to tell us who he was and what he was. He’s gone. GONE. I had to sit down because those thoughts were ripping me apart inside.

When they opened the caskets, I hid behind the people in front of me. Luckily we were late and were in the entry room behind the chapel, with many people packed in front of us. It wasn’t too hard for my 5’3 self to hide. I could hear the gut wrenching sobs from the family and friends inside the chapel, and the silent sobs of those in the room with me. What I felt wasn’t quiet, it was closer to the gut wrenching, screaming, fit throwing, cry that people do in their darkest most painful moment. Little squeaks escaped me a few times and I knew I had to keep it together. I had to. If his wife, his mother, and all those close to him could do this, so could I. For that brave little boy and that big kind man in those caskets, I could do it. And I did. I stayed when all I wanted to do was run out of that building and scream until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I stayed and it was horrible.

He was a huge fan of OU Sooners, and many family and friends wore OU items for him. Shirts were worn by his brothers and some relatives, OU jerseys with In Loving Memory of Toney and Elijah on the back. Many of these shirts were draped over Toney’s coffin, to be buried with him. One such relative, a friend of ours as well, said that Toney was the only person who could get him to wear OU anything. That’s love my friends.

I don’t think anyone walked away today without a piece of them staying behind at that cemetery.

Tears of rain

It’s been raining all week, and I can’t help but think that it’s the angels crying over the death of my friend and his son. As a child, people would say the rain was the tears of the angels. As an adult, I still think that every time it rains. We’re under a flood warning. To me the angels are bawling, bawling for our pain and sadness. Maybe Toney and Elijah are apart of the rain as well, letting us know how terribly sad they are to leave us so soon.

Seeing the rain and the dreary world outside coincide with how I feel inside. I feel horrible, my heart hurts, my body aches and my eyes feel like they could poor tears for days. It’s exactly how I feel and oddly enough it makes me feel better. To see that even nature is feeling it, it’s sad and depressed and it’s letting all know. But it does help me stay in this dreary state of mind. If it was shinny and beautiful outside I’d be mad, because nature should have been impacted somehow by death. It would tick me off and feel like there was no support, no hug from the gods, but it would help me get out of my dreary mood. With the sun hidden behind rain clouds, it raining almost none stop all day all week, it’s keeping me in this constant state of sadness. The world feels sad to me, and that adds fuel to my sadness.

My OCD is not slowing down and the depression, the dragon is back. It’s sitting on my shoulder, speaking dark nothings in my ear. It’s taking a lot of energy and constant concentration to keep my crap together. I try to be normal, I goof off with friends like always, but inside I’m dark. I’m in that deep dark abyss that I was in so long ago. It feels like home, and that is beyond frightening. I feel safe and secure here, and that is not good. That voice keeps telling me that my phobia is real, if this could happen to Toney and Elijah its real and I have been right all along to be afraid of driving with the kids with me. It says that if that one is right, then every phobia I have is right. That I should stay home, lock the doors and not leave. That I should get everyone I love and care about and lock them in with me to protect them and me from losing someone else. That if we hide, and pretend real hard, this will go away.
Today’s the funeral. In a few hours I will go and sit with our friends from school, his family and friends and see Toney in his coffin. See Elijah in his coffin. I’m terrified of what this will do to me. And that really upsets me. This isn’t about me, this is about them and I’m afraid that my mental state is going to be impacted by today. How selfish is that? But it’s true. I know Toney understands, he knows me, but for him and Elijah I’m going and to hell with what it does to me. I’m honoring them and their memory; I’m saying the only kind of goodbye we are able to get. I wanted to write something before I left, and something after. I wanted to see myself, the difference between. But reading over this, it’s still too perky and upbeat than what is in my head. Words aren’t coming out right to explain the darkness that is inside me now. I’m not sure how to explain it, so you could understand

Tomorrow

The funeral is tomorrow. At this point I have nothing to say, literally. So give me a few days and I'll be back.

Trying

I’m trying. Trying to keep going. Trying to stay positive. Trying.

I’ve lost so many people over the past 10 years, and each one makes me sit and go over everyone I’ve lost. It’s to the point that I sadly forget someone. I start with my grandma, and how even after almost 10 years I’m still devastated by losing her. I go through each memory I have of every single person. I end with the current loss, and this one is a double one, and one involving a small child, so it’s even more difficult.

I’m trying to get through my day without breaking down in tears. I’m trying to not let the kids see just how upset I am because they don’t know. Trying to keep myself from screaming because I know if I do, I’ll never stop.

This is so similar to how I felt after Grandma passed, and I remember it took me months to really enjoy a day. But yet, to this day I get tears in my eyes each time I think of her. It was work putting one foot in front of the other then, and it is again. My mind is one ugly mess of worries and it won’t stop.

Pain

I’m sitting here numb, in shock and yet I hurt. We got news that a friend of ours died in a car crash yesterday. His name was Toney, and we grew up with him. We’ve known him almost our whole life. And now he’s gone. He and his four year old son was killed. I keep looking over at Bailey and I’m speechless. He was the same age, he was just as alive and energetic, just as funny and happy and now he’s gone. He’s gone and he didn’t even begin living. And Toney, he’s had it hard, and now he’s gone and he never had true happiness. Nothing is real right now. Nothing is solid.

Toney, I’m going to miss answering the phone and hearing your deep rumbling voice saying “Hey sexy”. I’m going to miss having our chats and you giving me hell and me telling you where to stick it. You had a way about you that made me love you and want to smack you at the same time, not many people have that knack. Only you could give me crap about being a blonde and doing stupid things and still I loved having you around. Only you sexy. You own a piece of my heart, I hope you know that. Elijah sweetheart, I wish I had known you better, but I only got to see you a handful of times over the years. We all just got busy with life and we stopped hanging out like we used to. You looked so much like your father, and from what we heard acted a lot like him. I’m so sorry sweetie that you didn’t get more of a chance at life. I’m so sorry for you both. You’ll always be in my heart, I will never ever forget you. None of us will.