Saying another goodbye

Just a few days ago I lost my Uncle Gene.  I'm still in shock and disbelief.  He was 79, relatively healthy, until one thing after another snowballed and well now he's gone.  

I don't care how old you are or how old the person is, losing someone is an emotional hell.

So far I'm ok though.  I feel sad and that utterly lost feeling I always get when a death has occurred, but I'm ok.  Tomorrow I probably won't be anymore...funerals always do me in.

I keep thinking that if he could, Uncle Gene would smack me upside the head for being said or even thinking about becoming sad.  That's not how he worked.  He was goofy, ornery and someone that you wanted to hang out with.

Did you know that he's the reason I have a fear of heights? LOL true story.  See he was 6'3 or thereabouts and one of his favorite past times was putting me, who clearly took after my dad's side of the family by being really short, on top of things for giggles.  Like the refrigerator.  Or the top of the kitchen cabinets some 10 feet in the air.  Which to a child of 4 was like 300 feet.  He'd put me there then tell me to jump, that he'd catch me.  I knew he would, he always did.  He'd stare up at me with this ornery grin, while I was terrified and thinking that if I was just a bit bigger, I'd kick his butt for tormenting me.  Don't think I hid from him whenever he came to visit, oh no, I gravitated toward this tall, funny man, just like everyone else did.  I enjoyed his ornery side, even if he did scare me sometimes.

That is my all time favorite memory of him.  I have many more, but I won't share them.  Needless to say, when I think back to when I was little, I think of that man in the picture.  I think of all the jokes he told, all the stories he told, all the holidays of trying to sneak a picture of him sleeping on the couch before he caught me. There are so many memories of him...

Uncle Gene, I miss you already.  I miss talking history with you.  I miss your jokes and laughter.  I will miss you calling the turkeys and not being able to tell the difference between you and them.  No one can sound like a turkey, quite like you did.  I will miss your burned green beans (the only way I ever cook them thanks to you).  I will miss hearing you say asspagrass for asparagus.  I miss fishing with you.  I miss riding around your farm, driving over huge piles of giant mulch and through the blueberries in your Mule (or whatever it was; some sort of supped up golf cart is the only way I can explain it).  I could list everything, but I just miss you.  I will forever miss you.  I love knowing that you and I were a lot alike, and I will always treasure that. You weren't just Mama's big brother, you were a big brother to us all.  Please take care of Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Merle, Uncle Troy and the babies for me ok?  Tell them all hi, that I miss them something fierce and they are always, always on my mind.

I love you,

Where I walk...alone...with my daughter...omg

About 9am this morning I had the idea of going for a walk with Jocelyn.  Alone.  This isn't done.  Like ever.

I sat and worried and paced and chewed my nails until 11:45 when I finally told myself I'm going.  I am going and it will be fine.

Took me another 15 minutes to get myself out the door. Finally, I loaded her up in our stroller, or scooter as she calls it, and out the door we went.

Love my ensemble?  I was rocking the nerdy, pale white girl workout gear big time.  I own nothing to work out in.  Well not really, I own a pair of sweats, and a too small sports bra...but the sweats are my pj's...the sports bra is my hat for my naked rain dances.

We walked around the block one time.

I could have done another lap or three, maybe,  it's 85 and the only thing saving us was the wind plus I'm wearing new sneakers and they do not help my shins like the Sketchers Shape-ups do OMG NO, but I stopped with one.

That was my goal.  Just once, survive the trip without any accidents or issues, or the world ending, and try again tomorrow.

It's beautiful out there.  Bright, sunny, flowers everywhere and on one spot there is this giant willow esk tree that hangs over the fence.

It's like walking through a mystical, magical tunnel where faeries live.

Even Jocelyn had to admire the tree.

Or for me anyway, I'm a sucker for trees and shady spots.  Makes my heart go pitter patter.  And my imagination throw a party.

As usual, once I get into the act, I'm fine.  The anxiety that was eating at me all morning just went away a few feet into the walk.  That's when I noticed how beautiful it was outside, slightly hot and sticky humid, but beautiful.  I looked at the neighbors flowers, wish I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the trees...again wished I had some in my yard.  I looked at all the fluffy white clouds in the bright blue sky, thought I saw a penis and a giant turtle.

I focused on all that and NOT on what I was doing and it was fun.

I want to do it again tomorrow.  I want to make this a daily thing, more than once a day.  Get my ass out there damnit!  Get some of this flubber off!

Of course I can say that now...come July when it's 105 and so humid you can't breathe and are covered in sweat the second you step out the door, I will probably be barricading us all inside to protect us from the burning fire of hell that's out there.



P.S. Forgive the not so great shots, they are iphone pictures, what can you expect!
P.S.S...my photoshop skills suck too.

Big girl panties

I've said this many times, and I am not exaggerating, that every time we visit my family I have to explain to them AGAIN how my OCD and anxiety (or depression) works.  It's like they expect the definition to change or me to suddenly stand up and say 'haha I was just joking, I'm really normal'.

Do you know how exhausting it is?  To explain yourself to your family, those who are supposed to understand you like no one else can, every time you see them how your brain does not function due to a mental illness?

Or how painful it is to hear them say things like 'You just don't do it Nikki.  You just don't think like that.  It's that simple' or 'If you just tried to not to have those thoughts, you wouldn't.' or what I got this Sunday 'You just put your big girl panties on and do it.' with a sarcastic laugh.

Or to know that they are at their worst when Bo is not in the room.  Because they know that then I have no one to stand on my side.

They have no clue.  They don't listen.  They don't even try to understand.  And that hurts.  That tears me up inside to know that these people who are my blood, think I'm just being a big baby, or faking it, or wanting attention. Even after all this time.  They still think that the OCD and anxiety is all a lie.

How loved that makes me feel.

Especially knowing that it doesn't matter what I say or do, even if they read this post, they don't get it, they never will and they will always put me down for this.  And if they do read this, it's my fault and I'm making them look like bad guys.

The worst part isn't the fact that I've been dealing with this since I was 5 or that I will for the rest of my life, but that my niece has ADHD and seizures that affect her brain, making her slow at understanding things or processing information, is being treated the same, and worse, and no one is standing up for her.  Even when I do it, it's ignored. She's only 12! That breaks my heart because I get it, I put up with that crap too.  And I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

Her face drops, her mood plummets and its all right there on her face how much it hurts her yet the jokes and laughter and anger continues as if she has no feelings.

I was told I was being silly yesterday because I don't do well when Bo is away on a business trip, which thankfully happens once a year maybe twice.  One of my sisters has a husband who drives a semi, so he's gone anywhere from 4 to 7 days all the time.  She was married before and was single for a couple of years, she's learned to do things on her own and be alone.  When I said I didn't know how she did it, I fall apart when Bo isn't here, her words were 'Well you just put your big girl panties on a do it Nikki' with a laugh that clearly said I'm being stupid.  And that's when I had to do it all over again and when both sisters kept laughing at me and kept saying the stupid phrase about big girl panties I got pissed.  I said 'you don't have any idea what you are talking about or what it's like to have OCD and anxiety'....you know what I got? 'No I don't' with laughter and some other words that I didn't understand between the two of them.  But I can guess.

I don't want anyone to suffer with a mental illness, or hell any illness or disease really, but for a day maybe two, I'd like them to feel what I, or my niece, feels on a daily basis.  Because maybe then they'd get it and stop being such assholes.  They'd see just how stupid they are acting and being by not believing in these issues and how with each insult and 'joke' our respect and love for them dies.  Well for my niece anyway, they've butchered and murdered all my feelings.

One of those days again

My moods are a lovely roller coaster ride in Hades.  Let's be honest.  I get random bad thoughts suddenly and my mood goes from perky to depressed in a blink of an eye.

Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo.  Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing.  He knew something was up and asked what happened.  I told him.  Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them.  Except I can't.

I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down.  All because of my fantabulous imagination.  I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting.  The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.

It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare.  My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up.  I don't want to take anything.  I want to get this under control on my own.  I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed.  You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.  

It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.

I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy.  Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.

Simple

Simplicity is what I need.

I tend to OCD things to death and turn them into things the size of Texas.  Which stresses me out.  Get's my anxiety going in high gear.  And leaves me standing at the end of the day with nothing accomplished.

Last week I was determined not to do this.  I needed a week of stress free cleaning and it wasn't exactly easy, with all the distractions and days of little to nothing done, but I managed to keep going anyway.  I made sure my lists were small.  That I stayed clear of my master list unless I needed it.  I focused on what I needed to do that day only.  Of course I also didn't do my routines, so the dishes piled up quickly and so did the laundry.

This week I'm using what I did last week and improving it.  You see I focused on the decluttering and forgot everything else, right down to reading the book for Literary Escapism.  I struggled with dinner because OMG it wasn't on my list and we ended up eating out way too much. That's OCD for ya.

My lists are going to remain small, 5 items only a day, plus my three recurring daily tasks.  But I'm going to make sure I include things like clipping coupons, reading my book, entering in author tour dates for LE, my own writing, research etc.  It's something I've said many times that I need to do, but I never put these things on my list.   Not sure why I skipped over it and hoped I would just remember and do it.  I don't work like that, I know this...

Simplicity and focus.  That's what I'm working on this week.  And if this week turns into a month, so be it.  I am getting no where in my life doing things the old way.  I'm not teaching my kids good habits.  I'm teaching them to procrastinate.  That stress is normal.  They have no responsibilities really, to build confidence and self worth.  And I really don't want them to turn into me when they grow up.  Spinning in circles trying to figure out what to do, where to go and what I want.  OCD isn't the entire problem...

Waving a finger at 2011

It's Tuesday, January 3, and the holidays and 2011 are officially over!!! HOT DAMN!!!

Did you survive?

Did you start a new hobby to help you manage the stress...like drinking?

Mine is curling myself up in a fetal position and singing the Backyardigans theme song before I go to bed.  It's quite calming.

I woke up this morning and was like aaaahhhh life is about to go back to normal now.  Bo went back to work today, Bailey goes back to school tomorrow and I'll be left alone with Squirley the screwnugget all day trying desperately to get/keep my house clean.  Although I'm looking around now and realizing, I have been cleaning a lot over the past week and the house looks way better.  Merry Christmas to me!

2011 was a rough year for me emotionally.  It was a full year that I was not on happy pills and let me just say OMFG I understand why those little bastards were invented.  If I liked the dazed and confused feeling they give me I'd get back on those suckers right now.  But I'm still iffy on them, and still wanting to do this on my own.  Who knows I may stop being stubborn in 2012 and take them again.  It was the year Jocelyn completely confirmed my suspicions that she really is a flying by the seat of her pants kinda girl.   She ate toothpaste, vitamins, and any piece of food she found on the floor.  Anything is her sucker, including toy hammers and hangers.  She's a sneaky, mouthy, dominating klepto.  WE ARE SO TOTALLY SCREWED UP THE BUNGHOLE is our new slogan.  It was the year Bailey's attitude/emotions/anger seemed to blow up suddenly into something we had never witnessed before and was frightening coming out of a 6 year old.  Thankfully we were able to beat him into submission, which I plan on sharing tips with you now that I know it works.  It involves duct tape and laffy taffy, it's totally legit.  Oh please shut your pie hole, it's actually a rather clever book that really has changed things.  2011 was the year I became a great aunt, and I'm now known as Auntie Niknak...no one has jumped on the bandwagon yet but I'm persistent, it will happen damnit.  There's more, but it's early, the coffee hasn't kicked in so I'm moving on.

To say I'm glad 2011 is over is sugar coating things.  I'm fucking thrilled.  The above paragraph may seem bright and shiny but honestly, it wasn't.  I was stressed out, depressed, OCD'ing like a crankwhore, and all around screwed up last year.  I saved you all the trouble of having to read about it too often...you are very welcome.  And now instead of reliving those bad moments, I'd rather be funny.  Laughter is much easier to hear than crying.  My hopes for 2012 is that all things get under control, or at least more manageable than they were last year.

I'm leaving you with a song.  It's inspiring.  It's poignant.


What?!  Were you expecting something serious?  You really don't know me.....

Yup I'm in one of those moods

FAMILY WARNING: THERE ARE LOTS OF SEXUAL VIDEOS (WITH NUDITY) BELOW WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!







OOOOh and this one


The reason why I LOVE this man, he's funny as hell and can sing!!


EEEE my favorite part is at the 1:20 mark, oh the giggles


Ok, I'll stop but let me just say I have like 15 more videos I'd LOVE to share.  I'm in tears, my sides hurt and I'm going to count that as a workout.

So...why the videos?  Um no reason really I'm just in a goofy mood and thought I'd share and make you laugh.   Today I want to laugh, I want to listen to some good, butt shaking music and have some fun.  Plus it's Wednesday, Mama's night off and I'm feeling frisky.

So I'll leave you with this song, and just know that I've got it playing it over and over as I dance like a monkey around my house trying to clean up shit. 

Something must be done

So um...sigh...

It's been tough around here.  I've tried to not post about it.  I hate repeating myself, I know I do a lot of that, and if it bugs me, it sure as hell bugs you guys.  So I wasn't completely honest in a post or I didn't post at all or I posted something random just to fill the space.  I thought that one it would help me by not being a reminder and two I wouldn't bore you too much.

But I was wrong, and I know better.  Whether it bores you or not, it's my story, it's what I deal with every day and that's not something I need to hide from.  Numbers don't matter.  Honesty does.

We've been discussing me getting back on meds...

My anxiety is up and down, my moods as well and I'm having my really high and really low days again.  That's not safe and so not normal.  I've tried changing my routine, I've tried coming up with all sorts of ways to get myself up and moving and staying positive.  But none of them work, because I'm not able to make them or let them work for very long on my own. 

So my options are get back on meds and hope I find one that works, and not one that just lets me continue as I have been except I'm numb to the anger and my desire to do better.  Or I do something drastic with my life, hopefully with someone walking along beside me every step to make sure I do it, and hope that works.  What that may be, I don't know yet, other than hiding my books and my laptop until I earn them back.  They've become my routine so to speak, it's all I do to 'control' my anxiety and my thoughts.  I know that's no different than someone who washes their hands 20 times because they don't feel clean until they hit that magic number.  It's the same thing and I'm fooled by thinking that the reading or the games or even the writing is helping me control the bad thoughts and anxiety.  It's not.  It's masking it for a time, and it's making it impossible for me to improve no matter how bad I want it and now matter how hard I try. 

Nothing has been decided yet, other than we have to do something soon or I'm going to be back in that dark place in a very short time.  I don't like this, neither does he...

Improvement

I've been laying low so to speak cause I'd rather talk about something OTHER than the dismal state my mind is in.  It's better though.  Much better.  But still I feel deflated and down.

It's kinda funny/weird/awesome but we've been getting away from the kids a lot lately.  And I'm loving it, yet wondering if we can keep affording to do all this. 

Ok so it's not like we're going out to a play or fancy dinner all the time...it's the movies.

Gasp, when did going to see a movie become such a luxury??? 

Personally I don't care, just happy to go this much.

Today we're going to see another one, the last Harry Potter film.  I'm beyond excited as I'm a HUGE fan of both the books and the movies.  I had wanted to get caught up on the series before watching the last two installments but that didn't happen.  I'm FAR too behind on my book list as it is so...I'll just be watching the movie totally in the dark, just as it is for someone who hasn't read the books yet.

Before the kids we'd go almost every weekend to the movies.  Once Bailey was born it became once MAYBE twice a year we'd go.  We've gone to 4 or 5 movies in the last 2 months...that's huge for us.

So I'm here..still trying to mend and trying to find something else to talk about.  I'll be posting more book reviews later today.  That's something more entertaining right??!?!

First night off

Once dinner was done, I walked away.  I took me a glass of sweet tea, my book and my phone and barricaded myself in my bedroom.

Or as much as I could since our bedroom is Jocelyn's changing station.  And with every diaper change or clothing change, in comes Bailey with his Tonka truck rattling and varooming around the room.  My paradise was interrupted three times, loudly, annoyingly, but I handled it.  I wasn't mad that they were all in there, I just wasn't thrilled the silence was disturbed and it was L.O.U.D.  I was enjoying my 'silent' bedroom all by myself. 

If you consider muffled noise from outside the door silence, which I did, it was better than full volume.

Maybe next time I'll go upstairs and take my chances with the litter box.

Nonetheless, it was amazing.  About 3pm I started getting excited about it.  Antsy to have Bo home so I could walk away and not worry about any of them for a while.  I felt bad for that, but I couldn't help the excitement at the thought of it being just me.  And when it was time for me to clock out, I was smiling and practically skipping.

It was strange yet oh so wonderful.

All I ended up doing was reading and listening to Pandora on my phone.  That's it, and it was AWESOME. 

But that's when all hell broke loose, because as we all know you can't have the good without the bad.  By 10:30 I was done with my book and HAD to write the review before I went to sleep.  It was a good read, one I'll never read again cause it got the OCD going nutso, and so I had to get all that info out or I wouldn't be able to sleep.  I finished it at 11:45.  No it's not a huge review, I typically write and rewrite and rewrite the same thing over and over until I feel it's ok...meaning three little paragraphs can take me 3 hours sometimes.  But I knew if I didn't write it I'd be doing it in my head as I'm trying to sleep.  By midnight I'm laying in bed, wide awake.  So so very awake and energized I could have laughed out loud in the dark if Bo wasn't trying to sleep next to me.  I ended up tossing and turning all night long, and then getting up after FINALLY falling asleep because it was 3:30am and Jocelyn wanted to play and was screaming in her doorway.  Back to being wide awake.

The next thing I know, Bo's kissing me and telling me he's leaving for work.

I'm feeling like a zombie again, a mentally refreshed and less irritated zombie.

He says it's a step...I say I'm not impressed

Everything annoys me right now.  I have no tolerance or patience or niceness left.  I feel bad, I really do, but I can't help it.

Basically, I'm on a constant simmer of anger but if you get me talking about the things I have to do around here, or the kids and their behavior, I'm yelling and angry instantly and you better leave me alone for a while.

So imagine how happy and fun it was last night when Bo and I sat down and went over some ideas and changes to make things go smoother for me around the house and with the kids.

I was pissed, yelling and doubting every suggestion...even my own. 

We've only changed a couple things about the daily 'routine', and yet it feels like my already overwhelming workload has tripled.  I know this isn't true, but my emotions are saying differently.  I'd rather do nothing at all then have to make sure I keep up with the three things we added for the kids to do each day.  I don't get it, I really truly don't, it's not like we're asking them to detail clean an entire room every day, it's extremely simple tasks.  But I'm at that point of anything is too much.

The only light I can see is that today is Wednesday and that's now my night off.  After dinner, my job is done, DONE, and I can do anything I want to by myself.

It only took three cases of Redbull

I am better today.  Not great but better. 

And I think it has to do with me berrying myself in everything from Facebook games, to historical research, to random celebrity stalker websites.  I focused on everything else yesterday so I wouldn't have time to think. 

Although that means I did nothing around the house minus making dinner.  Cleaning lets my brain roam sometimes, so no housework.  Didn't want the bad thoughts to consume me.  Plus I already felt all blue and mushy without thinking; didn't want to find out how much worse I would feel if I did.

Well that and two lovely people who sent me encouraging messages yesterday.  Thank you Jo and Jill!  And of course my Honey Cheeks for checking in on me last night.  MWUAH thank you all.

I'm done letting my emotions ruin this time for us.  We have a new nephew and that is far more important than my 'drama'. 

Feeding my dragon today

Last night baby Wyatt Ely R. was born weighing in at 6lbs15oz and 19 1/2 inches long. 

I should be rejoicing and happy and all that involved with having a new baby in the family.  But I'm not.

I can't.

The kids and I stayed home since we're still sniffly but Bo headed to the hospital to be there with the family.  I actually asked him to wait until he was born before leaving.  Not because it could be 4am before he got back home like he thought, it was because I wanted him with me and not there.  With a new baby. 

I was keeping it all in until Bo asked what was wrong with me.  Which was when I got mad, it was like he hadn't been paying attention to what I've been saying if he had to ask that question.  Did I not tell you that having K and J pregnant right now was kicking my ass?  That I just wanted to cry knowing they are going through something I'll never get to experience again?  HELLOO.  He says he was hoping it was something he'd done to piss me off and not that.  Because then it would be something that he could fix, this is something he can't.  Then he said he felt guilty for getting snipped because of how badly I feel.

Even though it was a decision we made, and one I still agree with 100%, I can't help that I want more.  And it kills me to know he feels guilty like it's his fault.

He says I'm heartbroken.

I say I'm being stupid.

He says it will get easier plus we've always talked about adopting someday.

I say I'm afraid to see this baby.  I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold him or look at him without crying and people are going to notice and I'll have to explain.  How do you explain something you don't understand?  And adopting...that's years away before it will happen.  It doesn't help me right now.

I feel like such a jerk right now. 

That's some crazy stuff

It just hit me that I have been off my happy pills for like 3 months now.

How crazy is that?

I know it's still fairly soon to say woohoo I did it but, I'm doing it baby!

In ways nothing has changed, in ways I'm worse, in ways I'm better.  But all in all, there isn't that big of a difference.

Or so I say, Bo may say differently.

Did you know I went shopping today by myself?  I actually hate doing this, I like having Bo and the kids with me, I like talking to people LOL.  Looks a little strange to be talking to yourself, you know.  On the way there I was not thrilled to be alone but once inside the store I was in shop mode...if I have one haha, and did my thing without being uncomfortable.  Normally I get all nervous and self conscience, I swear people are watching and pointing and saying nasty things about me.  I fidget constantly, pulling on my shirt or my jeans, messing with my hair/face/glasses.  I make myself worse by doing these things, but it's compulsive I can't stop myself and don't realize I'm doing it half the time.  I had none of that today.  I didn't notice it at the time either.  It just sorta hit me a bit ago 'oh I got through shopping without a weird OCD fidget'.

And then since the move, I haven't had one minute of 'omg omg what do I do now? Where do I go first in this mess of boxes and bags?'.  That makes me stop and say WTF.  This is so new to me, it's like I'm reprogrammed and no one told me.  I'm actually getting things done.  It's slow because I'm unpacking/cleaning with one hand and getting Jocelyn out of something she doesn't need with the other.  It's extremely frustrating and I have to time what I'm doing with where she's at in the house at all times.  But I'm still doing it.  I'm still going.  I'm not frazzled and incapable of continuing.

OH and another awesome thing, that Bo even noticed but this does have more to do with this house vs our old one.  We had 11 people in this house today at one point, AND I WAS FINE.  My heart wasn't going crazy, I wasn't sweaty and dizzy feeling, I didn't feel like the walls were closing in...I was frickin fine people. 

We've talked about how I'm feeling and how the most annoying hurdle I have is my damn ankle...and we are both in agreement THIS MUST STAY....well not damaged ankle.

Is that...no way...

I had an odd ah ha moment on my way home from dropping Bailey off at school. 

This is from the movie Hoodwinked, with Twitchy my FAVORITE character.  This is a perfect explanation on what it's like in my head these days.


It's like DDDLAEUORIUEAKJREIOUEOAHRIOIEWUROAWEIHOURAIEWROPIE WAAAHHHAHAHAHAHA! 

All my thoughts and ideas and whatnots are blurred together in a totally new language, that I haven't deciphered yet.  And if I had the physical energy, I'd be bouncing off the walls and skipping because of the sure magnitude of the mental energy and perkiness going on up there.

OH MY GOD, welcome to what it was like BEFORE I had Bailey.

No shit. 

People used to tell me I was annoying because I was so perky and so positive and just so energetic about things, it was too much for some.  Plus I was loud about it, laughing and goofing off ALL the time.  I even had a boyfriend break up with me because I was too perky.  LOL I still giggle over that one.  But I digress.  At some point all that just went away, I was still a goof ball sometimes, but all that energy and get up and go thoughts just fluttered away.  You get me in a room with friends and that person returns, I tell stupid jokes, I laugh loudly, I get goofy and start talking as fast as I can because I get so excited about being around the people I like.  But the second they are gone, all that goes with them, and I'm left all shlumpy and tired and, just well blah.  It got much worse when Bailey was born because then I had something to really worry about, things weren't so up in the air and random any more.  I had a child, I had to focus, I guess that's why it just went poof entirely one day.

But this is what it was like all those years ago, although back then I don't remember it being so rambled and such a mess with my thoughts.  I also had more energy and did quirky things like randomly skip or break out into a dance and song when things got quiet...I also had a thing for Ring Pops.  I'm not that goofy anymore, I'm more serious, but I still randomly start dancing like a moron every now and then.  And I miss that, I miss the way I used to be before the stress from OCD and depression really got to me.  I don't like what it's done to my personality.

Anywho, I was rocking out to a song this morning and started laughing at myself, because here I am a 29 year old SAHM of two dancing in my seat to a song as if no one was around.  Oh yeah, that was me if you were in NW Arkansas this morning.  It's something I randomly do, not normally to that extent hehe, and something I used to do ALL the time.  And it made me feel like I did way back when, when I wasn't so sour about things and so negative and so down on myself over how my mental problems affect my life.

That's when I damn near smacked myself in the forehead, if I hadn't caught the look of a woman waiting to turn onto the street I was on.  She already thought I was having a seizure, if I'd smacked myself I'm sure she would have called 911.

But it hit me, that in many ways things were easier back then because I hadn't let the OCD and depression eat at me yet.  I didn't know what it was, I knew something was off but I still had fun and wanted to have fun and made myself have fun.  Whereas in the past 5 or so years, I want to have fun I just don't try to.  I used to focus on what I got to do that day, not what I had to do.  I had music on all day long, I danced around my apartment while I did things.  I made it a party most of the time and it showed.  Now, well now I think about all I have to do and I don't want to do any of it because there is 0 fun in my days.  I stopped being a kid and made having fun a top priority. 

Gasp.
I know this is not something that over night my positivity returns and that perky girl of yesterday comes skipping into the room.  I know it's something I'm going to have to fight to keep and fight to accept.

So you know what I'm going to do today?  I'm going to focus on the fun things I get to do.  I'm going to have my music on, dance around like a lunatic, and be that goofy girl I used to be.  Because by golly she may have had her issues, but she still smiled and lived a little.

My secret

I've struggled with whether I should write this post or not.  It's very personal, although it's rare that I don't share personal issues, this one hurts.  But this is something that is really torturing me as of late, and it's something I shouldn't hide from.

Last month was a big month for me.  On July 7, 2004 I had my first miscarriage, the due date was January 10th, then I lost another pregnancy in January of 2008.  It's painful, those two things all on their own, but when you add that with the three people I know who are pregnant right now and that I'll never be pregnant again...well it's no wonder I've had days of struggling to get out of bed.

I picked an awesome time to stop my meds didn't I??

I've had to tell myself over and over, almost daily, why we had Bo snipped.  Because that pain and that need to have more is still very strong.  Even though I know it was the right decision, the BEST decision for our family, it still hurts. 

My niece is one of those pregnant.  And let me just say that the whole back story to this is terrible, pathetic and is down right disgusting, so much so that I'd love to have weeks of bashing the pathetic excuse for a human that is the reason she's going to be a single mother.  However I can't, as it probably wouldn't help her in finalizing a divorce where she gets custody.  Even though I'd be the crazy aunt raving about him and his retarded, brainwashing, twisted group he calls his family, and they are desperate enough use it against her.  Although I can claim I'm crazy and maybe the judge would let it slide...I know it would make me feel better if I could bash his sorry ass.

But I digress.

It's been really hard to be positive and excited about this with her and my family.  But I have been, as much as I can anyway.  This isn't about me, in any way, shape or form and my personal issues have no place for this situation.  So I've kept it quiet, barely even mentioning it to Bo.  It hasn't been easy at all, trying to be 'ok' with this for everyone.  But I will, and I will keep my pity party in my head and out of the conversations. 

I know better than to keep stuff inside, but in this case I have to for the most part. 

I'm not mad at K, or the other two I know who are pregnant, I'm happy for them.  I'm just not excited.  I don't blame them but I am a little jealous that they get to experience this and I'll never be able to again.  And I'll be there for them as much as I can, and I hope I'm able to keep all this to myself so I don't make it tough for them.  It's my problem after all.

I wish this didn't hurt so much. 
 

When things get tough, make cocktails...

Tomorrow is Jocelyn's birthday party; she'll turn two on Monday.  

Normally when I have a deadline of people coming over, I do better at keeping up.  I mean, ok so I do get behind and still have things 5 minutes before the people show up but ahem I do my task list...slowly.  But this time, I just haven't had it in me.

And I think I know why.  Two weeks ago I decided to stop taking my happy pills.  No no, it's ok really, don't panic...yet.  I wanted to see if it was causing my lack of sleep.  And my spacing out and brain garbled into such a mess I miss things in front of my face and forget my name half the time. 

Plus I hate taking meds, hate hate hate it; I'd love to be able to not have to take them.  That's not saying I won't take them again or that I don't agree with it, oh no I wouldn't be where I am today without those little gems.  I just want to do this without them.  I want to find a way to not need antidepressants.  How...well I'm still working on it.  But at the time, I think I'm hitting the withdrawal period. 

I kept forgetting my pills about three weeks before I stopped taking them, so in a way I weaned myself.  I can definitely tell something's way off.  I have a hard time focusing and staying motivated.  I jump around to things more often, spending very little time on anything.  I'm exhausted.  I'm moody.  The best sounding activity to me, is to sleep, alone, wrapped up in blankets for a few days.

Which oddly enough is how they made me feel in the first place, but it's different now somehow.  I can't put my finger on it, but it's just different.

So tonight we have a ton left to do to get ready for her party tomorrow.  We always manage to do it, but it's still stressful to have so much left at the buzzer.

I've petitioned some helpers tonight, and they are Coconut Rum, pineapple juice, and cranberry juice...

Baby step...and maybe a leap

Yesterday sucked huh?

I crashed on the couch all day barely doing anything else.  I felt terrible, not just the bullshit in my head but my whole body ached and I was so damn exhausted it was a struggle to stay awake.  I forget how my mood does that sometimes.  How the lower I get the worse my entire body feels until all I want to do is cry and hide away from it all.  Then however long it takes me to come out of the fog, I'm like holy crap did I feel terrible.  It's crazy how your mind and mood can affect your whole body.

I'm glad I woke up today feeling better all the way around....even though I barely slept because of how I was feeling.

So anyway, while I was poor meing on the couch all day, I did something actually good for myself.  I know what the fuck right?  Well I entered a short story, The Stranger on two different websites.  Woohoo!  One is Good Reads and another I'll share once it's posted.  I have others that I've written lately but this one was my first real go at it and well I kinda like it the most because of that.  It's kind of my baby.  The first real story I have ever written and finished...well as much as you can in a short story anyway.  I know this doesn't really get me closer to publishing, but it gets my stuff out there more so I can get more comfy with people reading my work.  I still get uncomfortable knowing that short story is here where you guys can read it.  I avoid it at all costs otherwise I'll delete it.  I have to get over that so what better way to do that than post it (and eventually others) in as many places as I can.

Oh and for some reason it comes out all funky on Good Reads and I don't know why.  I've deleted it and reposted it twice, changed the indention's and layout both times and it still comes out looking terrible.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong...any tips?

That leap...well I won't give details because I don't want to jinx it but there's a good chance we could get EXCELLENT news today....like awesome news....like holy shitballs kinda news.  And if it's not today, it'll definitely be within the next few days.  EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm sinking

I can feel that darkness coming again. It's heavy and it's suffocating and I'm scared shitless.

I have Bailey who has turned into someone I don't know.  Who thinks getting into trouble is fun and a big joke.  Who thinks it's cool to see what the sad face is going to look like today.  Who I can't stop yelling and screaming at turning myself into someone I don't know either.  Who brings tears to my eyes because I can't be nice to him anymore, my own son I can't be nice to.  What a horrible mother that makes me.

I can't seem to get anything right these days.  I can't seem to get in control and finish anything.  I can't seem to do anything I set out to do, other than get through my day until Bo gets home to save me.  I play stupid online games or read as much as I possibly can, because otherwise my mind turns ugly and I begin to panic.

I'm eating better yet I can't loose weight.  And I can't get motivated into working out because if I'm eating better and that's not doing me any good, how will working out help?   All it has ever done is make me exhausted and sick feeling.  I think that whole 'exercise makes you feel better and energized' is utter bullshit.  Those who get that, are freaks of nature...or I am.

All those thoughts of why should I bother, who is going to care, I don't matter so my happiness is redundant...etc are back.

I'm hanging on by a thread and I'm clinging to it with everything I've got but I can feel myself slipping.

I'm fine when I'm talking to someone, but if no one is online and it's just me and the kids, everything comes rushing back in a tidal wave.  Someone to talk to keeps me distracted and gives me something to look forward to or something to focus on.  It works better than any medication I've had.

It's wrong that I'm all lonely and sad and so damn negative unless I have someone to talk to.  It makes me feel even more like a freak to know everyone is my crutch. 

Everything is piling on top of me right now.  Things I can't fix and no matter how hard I try, it's not changing anything.  Everything is getting worse by the day.  And all I can think of, is that it's all because of me.

I hate repeats

Way back in March, I made Miss a promise that I would get up every day, get dressed in something cute/sassy, fix my hair and put on my makeup.  That I would NOT under any circumstances leave the house without makeup.

Somewhere I stopped doing these things. 

Yeah Miss, smack me a few times I need it!!

One huge reason is my hair is still crap.  I don't know what happened, it no longer does its curly thing.  I get it to, then about 20 minutes later it falls and looks as if I haven't combed my hair in weeks.  Ick.  It makes putting makeup on and getting dressed redundant.  I don't match.  Straightening it is out of the question, I can't get the layers to blend and my cowlick in the back refuses to lay down.  So I skip it, pull my hair back into a teeny tiny pony tail, and wear the first thing I can find. 

I look hideous, I know I do.  But I've stopped caring again.  I know that has a huge part in why I'm struggling to lose weight, struggling to get things done, and feeling like a big fat slob.

Anyway I got up this morning, and wanted to put something cute on.  I did.  But when I looked in the mirror at my horrible hair and my naked face, I felt like shit...I still do.  It hit me that I've broken my promise, that I've gone right back to where I was before your visit. 

It completely pissed me off and I walked away from the mirror and have no desire to look again.  I don't understand why I do this to myself.  I don't understand why I can't keep on track with anything I do.  I hate whining about it, I hate talking about it, but it's the truth and I don't lie.  I feel pathetic.  I feel useless.  I feel worthless.

What's wrong with me?  What am I missing?  Because everyone else seems to be able handle the simplest things when I can't.