One of those days again

My moods are a lovely roller coaster ride in Hades.  Let's be honest.  I get random bad thoughts suddenly and my mood goes from perky to depressed in a blink of an eye.

Like last night, as I was trying to fall asleep I had this horrible image in my head and thoughts and gut wrenching fear when seconds before I was happily snuggling up against Bo.  Those thoughts ruined it, making me lose my breath and get so uncomfortable I started wiggling and sighing.  He knew something was up and asked what happened.  I told him.  Didn't want to say the words out loud so I slowly whispered them one by one, I will not pass them on here, because I hate saying the thoughts out loud and would rather just forget them.  Except I can't.

I was so tired last night thankfully that it didn't last long and I was asleep fairly quickly, but in the not so bright light of today my mood is down.  All because of my fantabulous imagination.  I don't want to do housework, I don't want Jocelyn out of my sight and having Bailey at school has me all itchy and fidgeting.  The fact that Bo is working....it's like trying to breathe through a thick blanket.

It's shitty to live inside your own nightmare.  My brain is a diabolical bitch and I can't escape it without meds to shut it all up.  I don't want to take anything.  I want to get this under control on my own.  I am stubborn when it comes to medication, in case you haven't noticed.  You can take whatever you want, I'll support you, I'll even give it to my kids if I have to, but I would rather suffer through things than take meds.  

It's all rainy and yucky today as if Mother Nature is matching to my mood...too bad it's only making it harder to be 'normal' today.

I have Pandora playing on my iPhone, I have my headset on, and I'm keeping the tunes light and happy.  Otherwise I'll give in and bury myself under the covers and refuse to leave my safe cocoon until Bo comes home.

Not a joke, I promise

Anyone wanna do a project with me?

I know...stop laughing.  Please.

Stop.

Seriously.

Jocelyn's birthday and party is next Tuesday here at the house.  And since I have this deadline hanging over my head I've been more apt to clean.  It's not unknown that I do great under a deadline of someone coming over, and totally lazy when left to my own devices.  I don't make my own deadlines, I never ever have.  I do make great plans/goals and go apeshit crazy over putting them together but I don't complete them.

Which I'm sure is making you think 'Oh Nikki I'd love to do this project with you, you seem totally competent' right about now in a sarcastic tone.

Work with me please, ok?

I have 8 days, 5 full days with Bo's help, 2 full days with Bailey's help to get this house company ready.  I am not alone in this endeavor, and I will not have to do it all by myself.  Which has gotten me quite relaxed and stress free about it.  It's kinda nice....and why I'm thinking of making it a blog thing.

Like an 8 day trial run, blog trend...as a goal...as a project...with a deadline...by me.

I heard someone choke...

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

Yup I'm in one of those moods

FAMILY WARNING: THERE ARE LOTS OF SEXUAL VIDEOS (WITH NUDITY) BELOW WATCH AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!







OOOOh and this one


The reason why I LOVE this man, he's funny as hell and can sing!!


EEEE my favorite part is at the 1:20 mark, oh the giggles


Ok, I'll stop but let me just say I have like 15 more videos I'd LOVE to share.  I'm in tears, my sides hurt and I'm going to count that as a workout.

So...why the videos?  Um no reason really I'm just in a goofy mood and thought I'd share and make you laugh.   Today I want to laugh, I want to listen to some good, butt shaking music and have some fun.  Plus it's Wednesday, Mama's night off and I'm feeling frisky.

So I'll leave you with this song, and just know that I've got it playing it over and over as I dance like a monkey around my house trying to clean up shit. 

I'm grounded

until I decide whether or not to try more meds.  The worst part about it is I am my warden and I'm not good at that job.

It's easy to let myself get away with doing what I want.  I'm a sucker when it comes to me.

So starting today, once I finish chatting with my Mama on Facebook and finish this here post, I am not allowed to touch my writing, my books or my laptop until all of my chores are done.  I can stop to play with Joss, or take a break or whatever but I am not allowed to touch any of those things until I've crossed the last task off.  Even if I drag my feet and it takes me hours to get through my list...gasp.

I know this won't fix me, but it's a start to get myself from using these things as a crutch to get through my day.  Seriously, I'm doing one of those three things from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed, that's a big problem.  I sit my timer to stop and do something else but I just keep resetting it. 

I'm dreading this, I'm hating it but I know that it has to be done.  I wouldn't let my kids or Bo get away with goofing off and not doing their chores, so why am I allowed to?

Something must be done

So um...sigh...

It's been tough around here.  I've tried to not post about it.  I hate repeating myself, I know I do a lot of that, and if it bugs me, it sure as hell bugs you guys.  So I wasn't completely honest in a post or I didn't post at all or I posted something random just to fill the space.  I thought that one it would help me by not being a reminder and two I wouldn't bore you too much.

But I was wrong, and I know better.  Whether it bores you or not, it's my story, it's what I deal with every day and that's not something I need to hide from.  Numbers don't matter.  Honesty does.

We've been discussing me getting back on meds...

My anxiety is up and down, my moods as well and I'm having my really high and really low days again.  That's not safe and so not normal.  I've tried changing my routine, I've tried coming up with all sorts of ways to get myself up and moving and staying positive.  But none of them work, because I'm not able to make them or let them work for very long on my own. 

So my options are get back on meds and hope I find one that works, and not one that just lets me continue as I have been except I'm numb to the anger and my desire to do better.  Or I do something drastic with my life, hopefully with someone walking along beside me every step to make sure I do it, and hope that works.  What that may be, I don't know yet, other than hiding my books and my laptop until I earn them back.  They've become my routine so to speak, it's all I do to 'control' my anxiety and my thoughts.  I know that's no different than someone who washes their hands 20 times because they don't feel clean until they hit that magic number.  It's the same thing and I'm fooled by thinking that the reading or the games or even the writing is helping me control the bad thoughts and anxiety.  It's not.  It's masking it for a time, and it's making it impossible for me to improve no matter how bad I want it and now matter how hard I try. 

Nothing has been decided yet, other than we have to do something soon or I'm going to be back in that dark place in a very short time.  I don't like this, neither does he...

Looking in from the outside

In case you are curious about my mention of a meeting with someone in the publishing world, let me share.

First and for most, she rocks and sent me a ton of things to read and even sent me in the right direction for groups to join and conventions to check out.  Thanks a million BTW!  At one point she asked if she was going overboard, and I told her no, not even a little.  Cause that's my kinda chat.  I may be 4 messages behind but my brain and my fingers are on cloud nine.  I GET TO TALK ABOUT WRITING WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT THE PROFESSION, SEND ME ALL YOU GOT!

The researcher in me is all a giggle at all these pages and directions to scope out....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

While preparing for this talk though I've reminded myself once again that I really know zilch about the world of writing.  I don't have a technique or a routine (although I'm trying to get both).  I am clueless really about how everything works.  It's frustrating and irritating that I've been doing this for a really long ass time and I'm so clueless and behind it's quite sad. 

I know why I'm stuck, I know why I can't get anything but short stories finished.  You can't get a result if you don't know how everything works first.

I told her I have a lot of homework to do on top of writing, and she said yes, I do.

On this day

eleven years ago, I literally married my best friend....notice how red he is?? LOL at the time he was installing satelites all over creation, so he was 1) extremely dark from being out in the sun for HOURS and 2) nervous as hell.  I am not responsible for the horrible makeup, just so you know.  EEEESH.

I never get tired of telling our story or thinking over those days before and during our beginning.  I still find it funny, that I never saw him as anything but Bo, my friend.  I swear to you, the boy had no penis in my head.  He was just Bo, nothing more.  Whatever changed inside of me that summer before we started dating, I'm thankful.  Because I saw him for the first time and fell in love in a blink of an eye, and found an amazing partner to share my life with...who had been there all along and I never even noticed.

It's not a secret that I'm a hopeless romantic and we have Bo to thank for that.  Before him, I swore real love was only in fairy tales and books.  Once I opened my eyes and saw him, I knew it existed and was as real as you and me.  The fact that I still get excited minutes before he comes home or when he kisses me and that he can still get me rattled when he flirts with me after eleven years of marriage, just proves it.

But don't think for a second that I have an easy button; we have our dark moments and most of which are entirely my fault. 

I love my man, without him by my side.....I'd blow away with the slightest breeze.

Happy Anniversary lover!

The board that made my OCD happy and something wicked cool

THE BOARD is more fitting, look at that puppy it needs caps or a fancy shmancy name!  It's frickin huge, is it not?

In the old house I had one the size of a sheet of paper.  I used it all day every day and was not happy when I couldn't take it with us to the new house.  I mean, we could have but it was secured to the wall and would have left some nasty scars behind.  We didn't paint or fix other holes in the walls, we figured we owed them this...here's your free dry erase board its an apology for the Buick size hole Bo cut out of the living room wall to hide all the wires behind our TV that was coming from the million geek game boxes we own.

Ahem.

I finally got sick of using paper for my lists because well I was leaving a trail plus that kills trees ya know and bought me a new board....A BIG ONE.  I kid you not, one day I had 4 lists in 4 locations and they were all fairly different.  F.O.U.R.  One, I thought if I had enough reminders I'd remember to do them or be more likely to do them as they would taunt me from many directions.  Two....I forgot about one of them as it was on our bathroom mirror and the rare moment I had to go in the room I'd see it, remember something and add it only to forget the sucker as soon as I left the room because I was THAT distracted. 

This board is amazeballs because I can have it all in one spot.  Initially, I had the dream that this board was going to be MINE, all mine.  I had dreams for the two of us together, sigh.  But when I got to thinking about how I hate having to keep track of what I need Bo and Bailey to do every day cause they can't most of the time, I realized this would be to my advantage.  Write the shit down so they can have a visual, cause we all know men are visual creatures.

But it's also so helpful for me because I have less to worry about now.  It's like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  IT WORKS.  It's big enough for all of it and then some.  I can look at it and not do my usual over analizing of what needs to be done and what's the most important...ie 'if I do the dishes that doesn't get the clothes washed and if I wash the clothes that doesn't sweep/mop/vacuum the floors and that doesn't pick up the toys, and so on and so forth'.  I look at it and although I'm like WTF why didn't I put something fun down like read a book or watch any video I can find of Henry Cavill shirtless, I don't think of all the other things that needs to be done. The things on the board is all I think about.  It's crazy cool.  Plus Bailey got all of his stuff done yesterday, with minimal issues, and so did Bo.  Go boys!

I can't say today has gone the best.  I can't say that I've checked off all of my tasks, I've only checked off two.  But I have a good reason for the distraction, I'm having a meeting today.  It's not a meeting with the dishwasher or the vacuum cleaner, nope it's an online meeting with a person about me and my writing.  SHUT. UP.  Now I haven't gone so far in my head that this lady is going to be my knight on a white horse and offers to help me with my book and get me published.  But this is a meeting with someone in the publishing world, who has read one of my short stories and liked it and is willing to talk to me about some of my writing issues.  HOT DAMN!  I may have to put makeup on and wear some heels to make it all spiffy and official as the FIRST MEETING ABOUT MY WRITING.  OMG, can you handle it?  Cause I'm like EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE today.  Really truly, spastic over this. 

Let me share a story, I walked into the laundry room this morning with every intention of washing clothes, however I walked in and had a thought and walked back to my computer to jot down another question I'd like to ask as well as something for the book I'm writing and then got so wrapped up in all that that I forgot entirely about the laundry....and it still sits there waiting on me....and so does the rest of my list.

Do you blame me?  A meeting about my writing...HOLY SHIT NUGGETS. 

Making a baby cry

My nephew, whose this 3 month old chunky monkey yet with skinny arms and legs and teeny tiny feet and hands, is probably going to have nightmares of me for the rest of his life.

I made him cry by pretending to toss my cookies.

I was telling a story about how I have done BIL's laundry many times.  And one time, he brought home like 3 big trash bags full of dirty clothes from his latest work related trip and my first handful was about 100 pairs of underwear.  I never went very far in my thought process of washing his dirty clothes, so imagine my delight when I look down and notice I'm holding a pair of his undies by the crotch with more hanging from my fingertips.  I somehow shoved them and I swear every single pair of underwear he owned plus that of 4 other people in the washing machine, slammed the door shut then ran to the bathroom to bleach, boil and scrub the skin off of my hands. 

I still swear he gathered all his underwear and put them all together just to mess with me.

So anyway, I like to animate when I speak sometimes, and when I said 'Oh my God I was like gagging and about to puke' I mimed gagging.

That's when Wyatt looked up at me as he sat on my knee, his itty bitty bottom lip started to quiver and 10 seconds late he began to cry.  I was shhhing and ooh I'm sorry and all that while giggling.  He was seriously freaked out.  Eventually I got him calmed down but he did not want to look at me after that.

And to think, I've finally gotten used to being around him without getting all sad and mushy and now he's terrified of me....

Monday be kind

Dear Monday,

I've struggled with no sleep for the last year and I'm to the point that if I'm dressed the world should be proud of me.  I can't keep up with my routine, or taking care of myself, or being a better person.  Because blinking takes a toll on me. 

So please help me today.  Please help me get up and do what I need to do before things start falling off surfaces, the toilets grime starts talking to me and the dirty clothes come alive and start chasing me.

Oh and if you could talk to your siblings, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and your parents Saturday and Sunday and ask them to be kind as well.  I'd really appreciate it. 

Grumbling again

Where have I been this past week??

Sleep deprived because of my husband.

Again.

We've tried a few ideas in hopes to fix his sleep sex fondling, nothing has worked so far, and we're now down to sleeping pills and his own bed.

On the 15th school starts.  Right now, after this past week of horror and last night which I swear to all things holy was THE WORST NIGHT EVER in which he began wrapping himself around me to the point I could barely move let alone breath AFTER 'taking care of it' four times throughout the night, I dread school.  I dread it, I'm afraid of it and I do not know how I'm going to survive.  Other than going to bed with the sun in hopes I get some sleep before he comes to bed.

I don't want to kick him out of our bed.  I don't want to knock him or myself out by sleeping pills.  But my gosh, I can barely get dressed right now how the hell am I going to take and pick up Bailey from school every day with Jocelyn by my side in this state?

Anyone else out there with husband who tries to have sex with you while you are both asleep?  Anyone?!?!?! Please tell me I'm not alone!!!!!

Glowing ball of fluff

Yesterday was our nephew's 4th birthday party....at the lake.

Now I'm white, as in I glow in the dark pale and I don't get much darker.  Even with Cherokee and Choctaw Indian blood in my veins...that shows in my black eyebrows only.  I take after my grandma, pale skin and hair, and blue eyes.  This is one of the reasons why I don't wear shorts, I GLOW and it hurts the retinas.  But yesterday I had to...and I'm sure there are a few people waking up with spots in front of their eyes this morning, all thanks to my glowing legs and arms.

You see it's hot out there, like over 100F all month long, humid as hades and it's best to stay inside.  Why ANYONE would go camping in this beats the shiiiiaaaat out of me.  Well ok, why anyone would go camping period beats the shit out of me; I'm girly enough to loath camping.  I want air conditioning, indoor plumbing, a comfy bed, preferably mine so I'd have to move my house to the lake to camp.  Anyway, I don't like wearing shorts in my own home!  I feel so nasty and fat and I just HATE it.  But I knew if I wore my jeans and short sleeved shirt, I'd melt and no one would want to scoop me up because it's too damn hot.

My favorite part was 'swimming' in the ice cold creek off the lake.  Imagine a walk in freezer, and you get the gist of the temp of the water.  Your teeth chatter even if it is 104F, COOOOOLLLLDDDD.  But it's awesome on a hot day and we waded in the shallow water for an hour.  Jocelyn is so Bo and Bailey is so me, because she was trying to jump in and swim every chance she got and Bailey was just walking around not going under and trying to stay as dry as possible. 

After our swim was dinner and cake, my not so favorite part as I'm now wearing skin clinging, wet shorts and tank top (I don't own a bathing suit thank you very much).  I'm already uncomfy, now I'm wet and mortified.  It was a nightmare.  But there was lots of laughter and family and friends and that part I loved.  It really was fun, if only I had been more comfy I could have enjoyed it even more.

I think we've decided to do this again this weekend.  Which means, me in shorts again and I'll have to find a better top and maybe even gasp a bathing suite.  Lord and lady help us all, the glowing blob of fluff will return.

Magic button

Every Wednesday night is now my night off.

Can I just say that this is AWESOME.  Like freakin, totally, tubular, radically AWESOME!!!

Happy sigh.

It's only once a week, only for a few hours, and I've only done it twice BUT I'm loving it and I've noticed a huge difference.  I can tolerate my kids now.  I don't want to run out of the room when they come running and screaming up to me.  I don't want to hide away and let Bo handle everything...ok so that is still there but that's normal right?  I feel better emotionally.  It's....awesome ok you'll just have to deal with my over use of this word. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME....nope not done with it yet.

This Wednesday I tried to write.  You see, I've been staring at the same page for a couple weeks now.  I could feel something was wrong again with my story but I couldn't figure out what and I couldn't find the time to figure it out or to fix it.  And I couldn't move on with the story no matter how hard I tried.  Listen to me now, I was able to focus my entire attention on my story.  GASP.  It was AWESOME, mwuahahaha.  It was invigorating.  It was magical.  And I fixed it...keeping all things crossable crossed that this stays true... thanks to my night off. 

I found the problem, my idea of going one chapter at a time kinda bit me on the ass.  Chapter 1 works, Chapter 2 didn't at all, it was an entirely different 'voice' so I scratched it and started over using the material I'd already written as a base.   It's now working just fine...except now I'm at Chapter 3 and I don't have the time or the luxury of focusing on my story so I can continue until next Wednesday. 

Angry and frustrated sigh.

My goal of writing every day, hasn't happened due to me not being able to focus entirely on my story.  And my lack of focus means anything I do write is really crap. CRAP CRAP CRAP.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.  I either tweak my day to find a time to focus on my writing or only do it on Wednesday night....which to be honest I hate the idea of using my entire night off to 'work'.  Although it's fun as hell and gets me all pumped up, sometimes I'd like to read or take a bath or watch a movie or something else you know?

All I can do right now though is be happy that I fixed a problem without rewriting the entire thing.  That is a rare feat my peeps.  That is AWESOME.

I broke down...and now I'm paying for it

I kept it mum, but a few weeks ago I bought a new pair of jeans.  I had to.  And it hurt like hell to search for THIS size when I'd rather be THAT size right there...you know that one that has a much smaller number?  But my old jeans are really becoming an eye sore.

So I spent WAY too much on a pair of Levi's.  This brand of jean does wonders for my ass and I've always loved them.  I found a pair that wasn't butt crack low, in fact they were high as in old school above the belly button.  I do like my lower rise jeans, however the belly flab doesn't look so fab.  I put them on and woohoo, it felt odd having jeans so high again but my tummy was gone, and everything was smooth and it looked pretty damn good if I do say so myself. 

I brought them home, washed them and they sat in my closet for a week before I remembered aha I have some cute as hell jeans I can wear.

I put them on.

Within two hours I was pissed.  Why?  Well these jeans that are supposed to smooth your curves and control your tummy, LIE LIKE A BASTARD.  Two hours into wearing these $60 jeans and I suddenly had a preggo pooch.  No really, Bo didn't believe me until I showed him.  I knew when my husband's eyes did a funny twitch that the image wasn't one that was only in my head, it was real and horrible.  Not only was there a red neon flashing sign pointing to my rolly polly tummy, but they were now loose enough I could take em off without unbuttoning or unzipping them.

WTF?!?!

They look like the worst 'Mom jean's on the planet.

Now I can't take them back, I've washed them, I've worn them and we tossed the receipt.  Because I had faith that these puppies were going to work and now they don't.  Not by a long shot.

Improvement

I've been laying low so to speak cause I'd rather talk about something OTHER than the dismal state my mind is in.  It's better though.  Much better.  But still I feel deflated and down.

It's kinda funny/weird/awesome but we've been getting away from the kids a lot lately.  And I'm loving it, yet wondering if we can keep affording to do all this. 

Ok so it's not like we're going out to a play or fancy dinner all the time...it's the movies.

Gasp, when did going to see a movie become such a luxury??? 

Personally I don't care, just happy to go this much.

Today we're going to see another one, the last Harry Potter film.  I'm beyond excited as I'm a HUGE fan of both the books and the movies.  I had wanted to get caught up on the series before watching the last two installments but that didn't happen.  I'm FAR too behind on my book list as it is so...I'll just be watching the movie totally in the dark, just as it is for someone who hasn't read the books yet.

Before the kids we'd go almost every weekend to the movies.  Once Bailey was born it became once MAYBE twice a year we'd go.  We've gone to 4 or 5 movies in the last 2 months...that's huge for us.

So I'm here..still trying to mend and trying to find something else to talk about.  I'll be posting more book reviews later today.  That's something more entertaining right??!?!

First night off

Once dinner was done, I walked away.  I took me a glass of sweet tea, my book and my phone and barricaded myself in my bedroom.

Or as much as I could since our bedroom is Jocelyn's changing station.  And with every diaper change or clothing change, in comes Bailey with his Tonka truck rattling and varooming around the room.  My paradise was interrupted three times, loudly, annoyingly, but I handled it.  I wasn't mad that they were all in there, I just wasn't thrilled the silence was disturbed and it was L.O.U.D.  I was enjoying my 'silent' bedroom all by myself. 

If you consider muffled noise from outside the door silence, which I did, it was better than full volume.

Maybe next time I'll go upstairs and take my chances with the litter box.

Nonetheless, it was amazing.  About 3pm I started getting excited about it.  Antsy to have Bo home so I could walk away and not worry about any of them for a while.  I felt bad for that, but I couldn't help the excitement at the thought of it being just me.  And when it was time for me to clock out, I was smiling and practically skipping.

It was strange yet oh so wonderful.

All I ended up doing was reading and listening to Pandora on my phone.  That's it, and it was AWESOME. 

But that's when all hell broke loose, because as we all know you can't have the good without the bad.  By 10:30 I was done with my book and HAD to write the review before I went to sleep.  It was a good read, one I'll never read again cause it got the OCD going nutso, and so I had to get all that info out or I wouldn't be able to sleep.  I finished it at 11:45.  No it's not a huge review, I typically write and rewrite and rewrite the same thing over and over until I feel it's ok...meaning three little paragraphs can take me 3 hours sometimes.  But I knew if I didn't write it I'd be doing it in my head as I'm trying to sleep.  By midnight I'm laying in bed, wide awake.  So so very awake and energized I could have laughed out loud in the dark if Bo wasn't trying to sleep next to me.  I ended up tossing and turning all night long, and then getting up after FINALLY falling asleep because it was 3:30am and Jocelyn wanted to play and was screaming in her doorway.  Back to being wide awake.

The next thing I know, Bo's kissing me and telling me he's leaving for work.

I'm feeling like a zombie again, a mentally refreshed and less irritated zombie.

He says it's a step...I say I'm not impressed

Everything annoys me right now.  I have no tolerance or patience or niceness left.  I feel bad, I really do, but I can't help it.

Basically, I'm on a constant simmer of anger but if you get me talking about the things I have to do around here, or the kids and their behavior, I'm yelling and angry instantly and you better leave me alone for a while.

So imagine how happy and fun it was last night when Bo and I sat down and went over some ideas and changes to make things go smoother for me around the house and with the kids.

I was pissed, yelling and doubting every suggestion...even my own. 

We've only changed a couple things about the daily 'routine', and yet it feels like my already overwhelming workload has tripled.  I know this isn't true, but my emotions are saying differently.  I'd rather do nothing at all then have to make sure I keep up with the three things we added for the kids to do each day.  I don't get it, I really truly don't, it's not like we're asking them to detail clean an entire room every day, it's extremely simple tasks.  But I'm at that point of anything is too much.

The only light I can see is that today is Wednesday and that's now my night off.  After dinner, my job is done, DONE, and I can do anything I want to by myself.

Border control

We had this awesome idea of a body pillow to ward off Bo's wandering hands.  It's now been 4 nights of HELL.

Let me explain.

I found the fluffiiest, thickest body pillow I could find. I then took this wall of white fluff and put it down the center of our bed.  Easy right?  Wrong.  We are both left with a small strip to sleep on.

Here's #1 of why this idea isn't working.  WE HAVE NO ROOM TO MOVE.  I normally sleep in one position, on my side, anyway but I do change my position through the night sometimes..  I have to manover myself just so, so that I don't fall off the bed.  If I was any fatter I'd be in the floor.  I literally have enough room for my fat ass to lay in a straight line.  Excuse me I like to have my leg bent, not angled ever so slightly.  If I turn toward the pillow, I'm smothered by white fluffyness.  Don't tell me to sleep on my back or my stomach, Nikki don't swing that way.

This thing is so big, we can't see each other over it.  I have to climb on top of it just to lean over to give him a kiss, or vice versa. 

But it hasn't stopped his damn wandering hands.

NOOOOOOO!!!!

Oh no, it hasn't.  He still sneaks that hand over and tries to de-pants me even though he can barely touch me with the tips of his fingers.  You know what he's started doing NOW? He touches me for a few seconds in one spot before he moves his hand a fraction of an inch, OVER AND OVER AND FUCKING OVER AGAIN.  After the third time I just started slapping the bastard's hand any time he touched me.  Because you better believe that now after all this crap I wake up instantly when he touches me.

You know what he tells me?  That he's woken up to me rubbing him a couple times so it's not just him doing this....um yeah my three times is so equal to your 10 times a frickin night.  And last night I somehow swung my leg over that pillow and put my heel in his Mommy/Daddy button and racked him.  That's when, he says, he started waking up touching me, BECAUSE THAT FOOT ON HIS DICK TRIGGERED IT....Yeah.  I really appreciate this being my fault.  Oh and he says that the pillow is helping cause he's only tried to take my pants off once in 4 days........

If I had it in me, I'd stay up all night and pay him back and then say 'welcome to my world bitch' but at this point I'm afraid he'd enjoy it too much.

That's it, I'm done

I had three nights of uninterrupted sleep and it was MAGIC.  I felt like a human again.  I had energy.  I was determined to get things done.  I was optimistic.  I was PERKY!

Two nights now of very little sleep and guess what? I'm right back to feeling like crap, no energy, no stamina, no determination.  All I want is for everyone to leave me the fuck alone so I can sleep.  I WANT SLEEP.

I'm getting a body pillow and it's going in between me and Bo.  If that doesn't work, I'll try sleeping pills and if that doesn't work...he'll have to find a new bed because I can't take this anymore.  I love him, more than anything, but if he touches me one more frickin time in my sleep I'm kicking him in the balls...er ball.