My dream day would include a pin, paper and Henry Cavill wearing nothing but a smile and standing front of me...

I am not in the mood to read.  Not one itsy bitsy bit.  I have two books I'm supposed to be reading, and blogs I haven't even looked at in weeks.  And yet, any time I try no matter if it's a book, blog or a recipe, the words get lost somewhere in my brain and all I retain is gibberish.  Picture the teacher from Peanuts in her 'whack whack' language.  That's exactly what I hear/read.

I think the problem is I haven't been writing enough, so whenever I sit down to write I think of all the other things I need to do.  I need to clean the house, take care of Jocelyn and Bailey, fix dinner, and read/review books, etc.  I do goof off on Facebook FAR too much, but for the most part my day is covered on things I need to do that involve the happiness of other people.  Because if I do start writing, I go off in Nikki Land and don't return until someone knocks me on my butt.  I think...going out on a limb here, cause I've never thought this before....that one of the reasons I'm so scattered with my daily tasks and getting things accomplished is I still haven't mastered putting me in my day.  I've stopped taking my night off for one thing.  It started with Bo being sick and I had to take care of the kids, to me being sick and then things started happening on Wednesday night without fail to the point that I forgot to take my night off.  This Wednesday nothing prevented me from doing it, but I didn't and didn't even think about it until this morning.  When I was like fuck a duck, I didn't get a night off this week...or last week or the week before or...damnit three times when was my last night off???

I'm thinking November....

You know where my brain goes when I start reading or doing something?  I start thinking that if only I could devout that time to my writing.  Or organizing my pictures on my laptop.  Or research something all day or any of the other number of things I'd love to, that's just for little 'ol me.  Why am I still doing laundry?  Why am I still doing the dishes?  I don't give a rat's ass the floor needs to be swept and hasn't for like two weeks, I WANT TO WRITE ALL DAY DAMN YOU.  And then I walk away to goof off on my laptop, get angry get up and try to do something again...only to have the process start over.

Le sigh.

I think my inner drama queen is getting anxious to get this book written and done with and nothing is making her happy until it happens.  It's like I can, for the first time ever, see the book being done.  It's not an I wish I could make it happen thing, it's an I know I can make it happen if I just had the time.

It's too bad I can't afford a maid or a babysitter or a driver to cover those things for me to give me some space and quiet time and less things to worry about.

Anyone willing to donate a dollar to the 'Nikki needs assistants so she can write the damn book already Fund'.  I promise you'll get a free book if you do ;)...or at least a mention in the dedications.

Admitting I have a problem

I'm participating in a Black Dagger Brotherhood (series by author J.R. Ward about hottie vamps) read through on Literary Escapism.  If you have read this series, love this series or are interested, you should so totally join us.  I LOVE me some BDB!   

I'm starting to get it, that I am a nerd to the core and my brain only comprehends nerdish tasks/goals/ideas.  It overrides the thoughts of doing the dishes, cooking dinner, etc.

It's like seeing a totally hot man walking down the street that you are instantly attracted to.  Your brain turns to a mush that can't find any words to say other than 'OH MY GOD HE'S HOT'.  Your palms get sweaty.  Your heartbeat speeds up and feels as if it's about to jump out of your throat.  You get hot yet cold all at the same time.  You try not to stare but when his eyes meet yours, you can't help but stay glued to his magnificence.  And when he smiles, good lordy you about melt into a puddle.  Let's not talk about the embarrassment that sometimes happens when speaking is involved.  You are completely oblivious to anything around you and all you can think about is licking things off his skin....

That's me whenever I see a book.  I'm gone.  I cannot help it.  And no matter how hard I fight not to do this, unless someone is there forcing me away from the book, that damn thing is permanently glued to my hands until I read the last page...well if it's a good one it does LOL.

And if it's not a book someone else has written, it's my own.  It's me pouring over videos and photos of my inspiration...hey Henry Cavill, winky winky...to make sure I see things as clearly as I can and to get things just right.  Hey I've asked, authors do this, I am not stalking...

My board is full of things I need to do, and yet here I sit at my laptop blogging, planning blogs, looking at pictures, writing ideas for my book, and reading Dark Lover (book from the read through mentioned above) all at the same time.  My kids no longer know who I am and refer to me as that weird lady who sits at the dining room table all day long.

On the road to somewhere

Hey! How are ya?  Been kinda sporadic lately huh, sorry about that.  If you read my blog, you should know by now that I'm kinda like that anyway, technically this isn't a new development.  I'm just not talking to you about it.

I've been nice and busy with my writing, which has got me all perky and upbeat.  YEEEHAAWW!  See?  Kinda scary I know, try being in a room with my right now.  You'd run away, screaming.  There's also reading for LE that I've been trying to catch up on, which has taken up the remainder of my time.

Can I just say that if this was my profession I'd be one hell of a happy girl?  I've been rather busy with these two adventures and it's been way too much fun for me.  Oh dishes, can't you see I have something more important to do?  Go the frick away!  They sadly don't, but that's fine.  We can eat with our fingers, no biggie.

So if your wondering what the crazy lunatic is up to, that's what.  That and giggling and dancing around the house and scaring the poo out of my kids and husband....maybe I should film that and share, it's rather entertaining for me.

Oh and stay tuned, I get to interview an author this month on the phone no less!  I'll be telling you all the deets soon, promise.

MWUAH to all.

My weekly confession

Bo asked recently:  What is your sudden fascination with Henry Cavill?  I don't get it.

I grinned and giggled when he asked me this, I just can't help myself.  I then explained, and he rolled his eyes and said 'Ah of course' and that was that.  It left me with another grin and a frown all at the same time.

See, when I write I need a face sometimes to help me see the character in my head more clearly.  You guessed it, Mr. Cavill is the 'face' of my character.  Whenever I can't see my character, or need to imagine an expression, I head over to a pic or a video of this man and voila problem solved.   He's not the exact image I have in my head, but he's close enough to make me happy.  Since I'm writing a story about falling in love, and I'm oggling this hottie on a daily basis sometimes, I've developed a slight crush on him....or the 'him' from my story anyway.  If I EVER ran into this man, I'd have a hard time not touching him or kissing him or ripping his clothes off....ok sorry way sidetracked now.  Which is a good thing, I need to fall in love with the character or I can't make it believable.  But that's also the bad thing, because now I'm all aaaahhhhh Henry and it's not even real.  Plus side, I know it's not real ha.

I find it a relief to read authors explanations of how they make their characters real to them, because I'm doing things the professionals do. Yet it feels a bit strange to know I have this major crush on a man I will never ever meet, only because he's the face of the man I'm creating.  It seems wrong to be THAT into my imaginary world.

Although the second I see his face or hear his voice I don't care anymore, I'm grinning like a fool and happily content.

You can imagine I'm ecstatic to see Immortals, it opens tomorrow BTW, and we've made plans for a date so I can get my half naked Henry fix.  My hubby is a kind and loving one, to take me to see a movie of a man I've openly admitted to having a massive crush on.  

The creepiest/coolest/craziest part of this whole using his face is that I occasionally have dreams of him, except he's not Henry Cavill, he's my character.  The things we do...ah that's a story in and of itself my friends.

Premature but I don't care

I've been doing a lot of prepping and background stuff for the novel I'm writing, trying to get into the mind of my main character.  For a very long time now, all my focus and attention writing wise has been on building up her world so I could see it better, but I couldn't for the life of me write more in the story.  Until last night that is.

For the past two weeks I literally would get scenes flashing in my head at random times.  Like brushing my teeth and I get a killer argument scene, so awesome and emotional for me I had tears in my eyes for a few minutes and completely stopped brushing.  I refused to write these scenes down, I know bad bad Nikki, but whenever I tried I'd stare at a blank page for hours.  Then last night I couldn't take the itch to write anymore and bammo wammo, I could write.  I can't say it's staying or that I'm in love with it but I got it whatever it was, and the next chapter flowed out of my fingertips with relative ease.

I've done enough scene ideas and chapter summaries without much writing, that it was a natural progression.  I finally had my dots connected, which has been a huge issue for me since the beginning of this writing journey of mine.  If things go the way they are right now, and I have my dots correctly aligned thanks to the prep work I've done, I'm guessing I'll be past my dreaded Chapter 5 mark of doom.  I have to say, I'm slightly giddy by that and I'm almost afraid to even say it.  There's only one book I've ever written that got past that part and it's only because it was a diary of sorts.  This is a HUGE step for me so if I can manage to get beyond Chapter 5, manage to keep going and get ever so closer the The End, then I've found my magic button to help me write.

Premature? Yes.  Exciting?  Holy fuck nuggets!!!

Starting on a good note

I feel pretty damn good today, and considering how shitty I felt last week that's amazeballs.  It's even rainy and icky outside, and I may be kinda sleepy, but I'm still getting things done...well the mental work anyway hey shut up at least it's something.

I haven't been writing per say for a while now.  I mean I have been, it's just, well it's not the actual story, just side notes and interview stuff and behind the scenes stuff; things that get me a clearer picture of the world I'm creating.  And one of those I wrote this morning and it made me cry, literally.  When I realized I was I laughed, because here I am sitting at my dining room table writing up a scene that I know won't be used, it's all make believe and I'm crying.  Either I'm just that emotional or I'm on to something.

This behind the curtain writing has been fun and I'm getting a better picture in my head and a better 'voice' for my main character each day.  It's strange really, because I could go on writing just this stuff forever and be satisfied, but it doesn't make a book.  What I'm doing is like a timeline or an outline per say, most of it isn't going to be used though, it's just to get my stops marked down with little tidbits on each one.  So that when I do get started on writing it again, I know where I'm headed with each chapter and I have a gist of what should happen so I don't get stuck.  This has been my problem from the get go, I only know a few stops and scenes when I first start writing and the rest is just a blur and I don't know how to connect everything.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed I'm FINALLY on the right track and this will get me finished and possibly published.

Looking in from the outside

In case you are curious about my mention of a meeting with someone in the publishing world, let me share.

First and for most, she rocks and sent me a ton of things to read and even sent me in the right direction for groups to join and conventions to check out.  Thanks a million BTW!  At one point she asked if she was going overboard, and I told her no, not even a little.  Cause that's my kinda chat.  I may be 4 messages behind but my brain and my fingers are on cloud nine.  I GET TO TALK ABOUT WRITING WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT THE PROFESSION, SEND ME ALL YOU GOT!

The researcher in me is all a giggle at all these pages and directions to scope out....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

While preparing for this talk though I've reminded myself once again that I really know zilch about the world of writing.  I don't have a technique or a routine (although I'm trying to get both).  I am clueless really about how everything works.  It's frustrating and irritating that I've been doing this for a really long ass time and I'm so clueless and behind it's quite sad. 

I know why I'm stuck, I know why I can't get anything but short stories finished.  You can't get a result if you don't know how everything works first.

I told her I have a lot of homework to do on top of writing, and she said yes, I do.

Review and reminder

I have two reviews on Literary Escapism at the moment:

Nancy Gideon's Chased By Moonlight... look at my first comment, it's from Nancy herself thanking me for the review!!! I made her day? She made mine by responding, how awesome is that!?!

And J.R.Ward Lover Avenged which is insanely awesome! YOU MUST READ THIS ONE TOO!

Now the reminder, please oh please don't forget to vote for your favorite short story!  You can find them here. 

Thanks everyone, mwuah!

The board that made my OCD happy and something wicked cool

THE BOARD is more fitting, look at that puppy it needs caps or a fancy shmancy name!  It's frickin huge, is it not?

In the old house I had one the size of a sheet of paper.  I used it all day every day and was not happy when I couldn't take it with us to the new house.  I mean, we could have but it was secured to the wall and would have left some nasty scars behind.  We didn't paint or fix other holes in the walls, we figured we owed them this...here's your free dry erase board its an apology for the Buick size hole Bo cut out of the living room wall to hide all the wires behind our TV that was coming from the million geek game boxes we own.

Ahem.

I finally got sick of using paper for my lists because well I was leaving a trail plus that kills trees ya know and bought me a new board....A BIG ONE.  I kid you not, one day I had 4 lists in 4 locations and they were all fairly different.  F.O.U.R.  One, I thought if I had enough reminders I'd remember to do them or be more likely to do them as they would taunt me from many directions.  Two....I forgot about one of them as it was on our bathroom mirror and the rare moment I had to go in the room I'd see it, remember something and add it only to forget the sucker as soon as I left the room because I was THAT distracted. 

This board is amazeballs because I can have it all in one spot.  Initially, I had the dream that this board was going to be MINE, all mine.  I had dreams for the two of us together, sigh.  But when I got to thinking about how I hate having to keep track of what I need Bo and Bailey to do every day cause they can't most of the time, I realized this would be to my advantage.  Write the shit down so they can have a visual, cause we all know men are visual creatures.

But it's also so helpful for me because I have less to worry about now.  It's like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.  IT WORKS.  It's big enough for all of it and then some.  I can look at it and not do my usual over analizing of what needs to be done and what's the most important...ie 'if I do the dishes that doesn't get the clothes washed and if I wash the clothes that doesn't sweep/mop/vacuum the floors and that doesn't pick up the toys, and so on and so forth'.  I look at it and although I'm like WTF why didn't I put something fun down like read a book or watch any video I can find of Henry Cavill shirtless, I don't think of all the other things that needs to be done. The things on the board is all I think about.  It's crazy cool.  Plus Bailey got all of his stuff done yesterday, with minimal issues, and so did Bo.  Go boys!

I can't say today has gone the best.  I can't say that I've checked off all of my tasks, I've only checked off two.  But I have a good reason for the distraction, I'm having a meeting today.  It's not a meeting with the dishwasher or the vacuum cleaner, nope it's an online meeting with a person about me and my writing.  SHUT. UP.  Now I haven't gone so far in my head that this lady is going to be my knight on a white horse and offers to help me with my book and get me published.  But this is a meeting with someone in the publishing world, who has read one of my short stories and liked it and is willing to talk to me about some of my writing issues.  HOT DAMN!  I may have to put makeup on and wear some heels to make it all spiffy and official as the FIRST MEETING ABOUT MY WRITING.  OMG, can you handle it?  Cause I'm like EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE today.  Really truly, spastic over this. 

Let me share a story, I walked into the laundry room this morning with every intention of washing clothes, however I walked in and had a thought and walked back to my computer to jot down another question I'd like to ask as well as something for the book I'm writing and then got so wrapped up in all that that I forgot entirely about the laundry....and it still sits there waiting on me....and so does the rest of my list.

Do you blame me?  A meeting about my writing...HOLY SHIT NUGGETS. 

Terrifying or encouraging???

I just read this article about Kathryn Stockett, who wrote the book The Help that was then turned into a movie.  I've seen previews for it and I'm excited to see it and read it.

Anywho, in this article she talks about how she was rejected 60 times, SIXTY FRICKIN TIMES YA'ALL, before someone finally accepted her book.  I cannot imagine a stack of 60 letters saying 'I'm sorry you spent all those hours/years writing this, but it sucks so no thank you' sitting next to you day after day.  That's a big ass stack, but all those voices and signatures and rejection turns it into an elephant farting fireballs at you.

I give her hecka props for continuing her quest to get published, and love her confessions of lying to everyone about what she was doing because they'd given up hope on it ever happening.  That freaking rocks! That's a big FU to those who had no faith or confidence in her talent, she wanted it and by golly she was going to have it with or without their support.  I LOVE that.  I also giggled when she said that while in labor, she had to rewrite the last chapter before she left for the hospital and then later the nurse at the hospital made her put the book down because it was time to push.  AWESOME.

I'd like to say I'd be able to do that, that I kinda sorta have since I've been writing now for 17 years and haven't given up even though I have NEVER finished a book, only short stories, and that bugs me to no end that I get stuck at the same spot every single time.  But I keep trying, I keep trying because I do want it and hopefully one day I'll find my magic button and know how to get past that point.  Then I think about the rejection letters...that scares me.  I already think I suck, but I love to write so I keep going, and knowing that I'm going to have someone tell me the story I worked so hard to create, is crap and they want nothing to do with me totally kills my buzz.  Do I really want to have someone verify what I already think of my work?  Can I handle another person telling me how inadequate I am?  Can I keep going after 5 or 10 or hell 60 rejections?

I don't know, I really truly don't know. 

I'm not on a mission to make everyone like me, or praise what I do, uh uh that's not my thing.  And I know people like what I write, I have friends and family who ask me all the time if I've written anything else they can read because they love my stuff.  And I know that the first agent/publishing house I send my book to won't say yes let's publish.  I'm not that shallow...or optimistic however you want to look at it.  It's that I've always been told how terrible I am at something (damn near everything I've tried) by so many, that the few times I get a 'good job Nik' I don't know how to take it.  I want to be good at SOMETHING, and this is my baby, this is my hobby and its what gets me through things and what entertains me and makes me feel good...how will I handle being told I'm sorry but your book is terrible and we won't publish it?

I'm going to be brave

and submit a short story for a competition.

AND because I'm indecisive and think I'm sooo not good enough to get anyones attention, and can't make up my damn mind which to submit, I'd love for all of you lovely people to vote on which story you like best.  The poll is over there on the right ;).

The Stranger, in which vengeance is a tasty bitch.

Or Deathly Kiss, where temptation balances on the edge of terror.

I have until September to submit this, but please oh please let me know.  It costs money to enter or I'd submit both.

Magic button

Every Wednesday night is now my night off.

Can I just say that this is AWESOME.  Like freakin, totally, tubular, radically AWESOME!!!

Happy sigh.

It's only once a week, only for a few hours, and I've only done it twice BUT I'm loving it and I've noticed a huge difference.  I can tolerate my kids now.  I don't want to run out of the room when they come running and screaming up to me.  I don't want to hide away and let Bo handle everything...ok so that is still there but that's normal right?  I feel better emotionally.  It's....awesome ok you'll just have to deal with my over use of this word. AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME....nope not done with it yet.

This Wednesday I tried to write.  You see, I've been staring at the same page for a couple weeks now.  I could feel something was wrong again with my story but I couldn't figure out what and I couldn't find the time to figure it out or to fix it.  And I couldn't move on with the story no matter how hard I tried.  Listen to me now, I was able to focus my entire attention on my story.  GASP.  It was AWESOME, mwuahahaha.  It was invigorating.  It was magical.  And I fixed it...keeping all things crossable crossed that this stays true... thanks to my night off. 

I found the problem, my idea of going one chapter at a time kinda bit me on the ass.  Chapter 1 works, Chapter 2 didn't at all, it was an entirely different 'voice' so I scratched it and started over using the material I'd already written as a base.   It's now working just fine...except now I'm at Chapter 3 and I don't have the time or the luxury of focusing on my story so I can continue until next Wednesday. 

Angry and frustrated sigh.

My goal of writing every day, hasn't happened due to me not being able to focus entirely on my story.  And my lack of focus means anything I do write is really crap. CRAP CRAP CRAP.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do at this point.  I either tweak my day to find a time to focus on my writing or only do it on Wednesday night....which to be honest I hate the idea of using my entire night off to 'work'.  Although it's fun as hell and gets me all pumped up, sometimes I'd like to read or take a bath or watch a movie or something else you know?

All I can do right now though is be happy that I fixed a problem without rewriting the entire thing.  That is a rare feat my peeps.  That is AWESOME.

Over coffee

I was sitting at the dining room table this morning, drinking my coffee when my imagination took over.  I closed my eyes and watched the scene play out in my head and then I wrote it all down.

It's rare that I have these moments, and it scares me.  It's weird, I don't care who you are, it's weird to suddenly see a movie of sorts in your head of imaginary people that is so real you can feel it.  And then have to write it all down. 

I mentioned I was going to do a bio or something to help me with my characters, and I did.  I did an interview, and giggled the whole time.  But ever since then I've had a clearer picture into this world.  And this morning was the clearest 'vision' so to speak I've ever had for a book.  It was kinda crazy.

Very much crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I'm back to writing and seeing this world I'm creating.  I'm glad that I can see this character more and that I'm back to being excited about her story.  Thrilled and somewhat scared at how it feels like I'm tumbling down a hill. 

BUT IT'S FREAKING CRAZY. 

It's the sickness that did it

Since I'm still sick, in fact if I get up and do too much the horrendous pressure returns and I'm couch bound for the rest of the day, I've spent many hours reading and writing this past week.

And by horrendous I mean PAIN, horrible tight feeling in my forehead, any facial expression brings tears to my eyes, sinus pressure pain. Not to mention being so dizzy and light headed.

Back to the writing, it's not much and it's nothing that really continues the story.

Nope, I've thought of and then asked myself some questions.  Since I behaved and answered them nicely, and actually gotten a better idea of what I was doing wrong and should do instead, I sat down and did some more digging into some of the finer details of the story I'm trying to create.

I've decided, and you can totally say I TOLD YOU SO as many times as you'd like on this one (and you guys know who you are ;) ), that I really really do need more of a grasp on my characters and should probably make a bio or background or something to help me know them more.

Are you guys done dancing and saying HELLLLOOOO yet??

I realized this when I found myself once again thinking the reaction or solution to a situation wouldn't work because that's not what I'd do, it's not who I am, or it's not how I'd react.  I'm basically drawing a person, coloring in a few things and then filling the rest in with me...that doesn't work.  That doesn't create anything, so there is no character.  It's just me in a costume.  No wonder I keep coming to a spot and then stopping because I cannot see myself there, I cannot see myself in a different life and I can't come up with things to happen to get to the end.

Since I've never done this, I'm scratching my head on how to go about figuring out who this character really is and how to get into her mindset.  I can write a bio, I've practically done it already but it hasn't gotten me a sense of her yet.  So something is missing and I have to find out what it is.  It's obvious this story, and any other I try, will go nowhere unless I figure out how to make these characters real to me....and stop making me the character.

Maybe writing it down first would be good

So this novel I'm working on is literally all in my head.  It's what I think about at night before I go to sleep, because oddly enough it helps.  If I don't focus on something, I go through everything about that day and the next and so on, basically everything you can think of, I'm thinking it as I'm trying to fall asleep. 

But when I think of this story, I can focus on it only and then I fall asleep.  Not before I've made progress or revised a scene or two. 

It's the single minded focus that helps me sleep, not the story itself. 

What is in my head is noticeably different, to me anyway haha, than what I have on paper.  In my head, it's perfection, the ultimate dream/fantasy, everything is peachy for the most part.  Like it's a hunky movie star instead of a high school foot ball coach.  And she works for her parents but in the 'dream' has her own undecided successful business.  On paper, well it becomes too perfect and too fantasy and too peachy for me.  I have had to change the story a lot.

So much that it makes it hard to convert my 'dream' to my writing.  It makes me forget things and I'll get to writing and get things backwards. 

Makes me wonder which one I should change.  The written or the imaginary?  My imaginary one is farther along than my written one by dozens of chapters.  But my written one has less sparkle and more reality.

BTW: What do you think of me sharing more stuff about my book?  And would you be interested to see how far I am? 

Ohhh I can breathe again!

Yesterday was terrible, pure 100% terrible.  And I had braced myself for feeling just as shitty if not worse today.  But so far, so good.

Hot damn.

I still have the pressure and the drainage which turns into uncontrollable coughing, but I can breathe.  It's such a beautiful thing, aint it?

Now if only Jocelyn was feeling better and/or blow her nose so she's not covered in dried snot.  I don't know fashion but me thinks, that is a huge no no.

Somehow I felt like writing yesterday, so I did.  Except what came out wasn't where I left off.  It was during the part that I skipped forward in my story.  I didn't fight it, I just let it go and wrote, and with it realized something.

I'd taken my character from sever depression to instant healing in one page without any explanation.  Ooops.

Then, when I went back over what I'd done, everything was so...well soooo positive and upbeat and easy.  Nothing is easy, I know better than that.  But that's what positive thinking will do to you.  Turn your story into a perfect fairytale, where NOTHING goes wrong and everything that you wished happened, happens.  Ick, who wants to read that?

I hate that I keep changing directions, it bugs the living shit out of me.  I hate that I keep messing up and keep going back and fixing it and that leads to a huge fix, not a small one.  It really irritates me.  But I do know, I'm learning this way.  I also know that my lack of confidence and obsessive indecision is having a HUGE part to play.  If it weren't for that I don't think I'd be going back and forth so much.  Or maybe that's wishful thinking.

Do professional authors have this problem?  Do they get so far and hit a wall and go back to fix it...at the exact same spot with EVERY story?  How the hell do they get past this part?  Cause I'm still 0-100 at this point.

Sometimes chaos is a gift

I've been writing like a fiend...all in my notebook and now have 30+ pages to transfer to my laptop.

I've been keeping up with my routines (for the most part), which is something I haven't been able to do in weeks.  The house is looking better, not fab, but better.

Packing is...well it's going slowly but it's still happening.  We are now at 24 days until the move.  I'm trying to stay positive about this number. Thinking 'We've got 24 days until we move into the bigger, newer, prettier house' instead of 'Holy fucknugget, we have 24 days left and we have barely begun to pack'.  Makes things feel a lot less stressful and me more productive...which in turn keeps my butt moving.

We have Bailey's soccer practice twice a week, as well as Saturday school to make up for the snow days.  The whiny kid inside me says 'Nooooo that's too much I just want to stay home' then I remind myself that I'm getting out of the house more and it makes me feel good once I'm there, it's also keeping the kids from becoming hermits like me. 

I do feel like I'm being pulled in a million directions, failing at every one of them, and about to give up at times.  But I'm getting through it.  I force myself to focus on today only.  On one segment of the day at a time ONLY.  It's making it easier to get through the day, even when I'm juggling 15 things all unrelated.

I have to say, and this will so come as a shock for some of you who have read my blog for a while now, I'm proud of how I'm getting better at this.  I really truly am.  And when I feel like I'm done and I've fucked it all up again, I remind myself that I have done it, or something close to it, before and I succeeded so I know I can do it again. 

I won't lie and say my brain goes 'Ok Nikki let's do this' it's more like 'Fuck you I could care less what happened yesterday or last week, this is today and today I suck'. 

I OCD the bitch shut by saying it over and over again, and eventually she shuts up, gets off her ass and starts something.

Maybe I needed more chaos to get my butt in gear, because it seems to be working.

Mwuahahahaha

I'm so so excited to say that my writing is going awesome, like AWESOME.  Every time I sit down to write it just flows, and I have to say I'm all giddy about it.

There is however one little snag, I've been doing my writing longhand in a notebook.  I have pages and pages to type up now.

But I'm in absolutely no hurry to do so.  This is working for the moment and I'm not going to mess with it too much because I want this flow to continue.

I have been writing off and on all day, but do most of it waiting in line for Bailey after school.  Which I'm sure is quite amusing to those parked near me as I make gestures and smile and do other things to test a scene out loud.  Something that I really hate being caught doing, it's slightly embarrassing.  I don't notice I'm doing it until someone points it out, and well then I could be a relative of a tomato. 

Now, I'm off to do some housework and continue writing about falling in love...aaahhhhh.

I figured it out

I haven't been able to really write on my novel lately and I really thought it was because my brain is talking in other languages.  But I'm pretty sure that's not true.

I wanted to write on Friday but when I tried I just couldn't do it.  So I tried something else, something I never do because it always backfires on me.  I skipped ahead in the story.  Eeek.  But I wrote and it all just started pouring out.

And I think I know why.

I was writing about a girl who was seriously depressed and miserable, and my head isn't in that zone these days.  I'm too positive, perky and happy to be writing about a girl who can't eat or shower or get out of bed without being told to.  By skipping ahead, to the part of the story that I've been thinking and building for the last few years, everything worked.  I didn't have to try to get my brain in that mood to make things work or to see things in her eyes.  I was already there.

That also fixed a dilemma for me, because I wasn't sure if I should show her healing and moving forward after her world was destroyed or just skip that part.  I do want to write a book about depression because it's one of those things you don't truly understand until you are there and everyones story is different, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet.  I think I still have my own healing and my own growth to do first.  Besides, I don't know if I could get my mind in that mode only for my writing.  I'm afraid if I really force myself to go there, I may stay there and that I can't do. 

But hey I have my background and flashbacks all set up, LOL. 

Clear minded

You know lately I've had this overwhelming urge to DO SOMETHING.

I don't know what it is, I'm just...I want to do something, anything, and I don't know what to do or where to go or how to figure out what it is. 

I try to use it for good, like house cleaning, but LOL you know me and housework don't get along very well.  I tend to spend all my energy by thinking all day about what I'm wanting to do.  I have all sorts of ideas and plans and well LOL, I OCD it to death pretty much.  And yet I'm still sitting here with that energy to get up and do something, with nothing to do because I can't decide.

I love OCD sometimes, at least it keeps me hopping...

I could tell you all thing things floating in my head to give you a picture of what's going on up there, but I'm pretty sure you already know the miss matched, jumbled, IN ALL CAPS thoughts that are running around in circles squealing like a kid whacked out on sugar.

Phew that was a tough sentence hehe.

So it's not that I don't have options or ideas, I have plenty and so many that are like ooooh that sounds like fun or I really really need to do that one because blah blah blah.  You see I have this thing with decisions, have you noticed?  I'm afraid to make the wrong one, so I debate, I research, I eeny meeny miny mo it over and over because I still doubt myself.

The other day I said it was the day to get out of my lazy funk, and I tried but all this energy is building up with no where to go and it's interfering with everything I try to do.

And I'm starting to think that maybe I need to look at more than one outlet.  What if this boredom type feeling I have is growing and building because I'm not releasing that energy in enough areas?  I've been medicated for a long time, and it's just been bubbling below the surface and now with no pills it's erupting.  Or is that my OCD talking?  Wanting to do it all and bury myself in everything...

I don't know, but I do know that today I have a list of things to do around the house and I'm itching to do them.  I have writing to do on my novel, and want to do it now.  I want to blog.  I want to bury myself in genealogy.  I want to build a decorating plan/folder/wishlist thingymajig.  I want to put together the activity book I have sitting on a desk.  I want...ok see I'll stop but I'm telling you right now there's about 5 other things I want to do right this very second.

Someone, anyone, tell me what to do first....;)